Occasionally, I’ll spot an article that details “the hardest jobs in the world,” and break out in despairing maniacal laughter.  I’m what passes for Kent Wayne’s brain—a literal hamster on a wheel that’ll live off cocaine if it ever becomes a viable option. 

You may be asking what’s so hard about my job.  Run on the wheel, flick a few dials, check out the monitors, and work that suspicious-looking pump in the far-right corner, the one that mysteriously appeared on Kent’s tenth birthday.  (What does it do?  I don’t have a clue.  But I pump that fucker on a daily basis, because I have no idea what’ll happen if I stop.)

Anyways, I digress.  The hardest part about being a brain hamster is—

“REEE!  REEE!  REEE!”  Red-light alarms begin flashing and wailing.  An automated voice declares, “KENT WAYNE’S PENIS IS STAGING A COUP.”

“Mother of FUCK!”  I scramble off my wheel and start swiping the air, conjuring a bevy of holographic layouts.  Data and imagery stream and combine, cueing me into Kent’s vitals and thought processes.

His penis curls up and points at his eyeball, filling a monitor with its giant dick-slit.  “You’ve lost, brain hamster!  I’m about to push Kent’s success rate past 70%, simply by texting my glorious veinage and girthy upcurve!  Enough of your ineffective conversational wiles—now is the winter of my discontent!”  The ocular monitors shift to a dating app, where Kent is swiping right like crazy.  It’s not really him—his consciousness is still deep in REM—it’s his traitorous fucking peen.

“No, you fool!”  I flick dozens of fail-safes, inundating Wiener with hormonal commands.  No dice—somehow, he’s locked me out of the parasympathetic bio-net.  “You don’t know how to finesse a woman!  They don’t appreciate a dick-pic until AFTER you’ve passed the safety check, made them laugh, and convinced them you’re not a drooling moron!  You can’t just—”

“Save it, brain rat!”  Wiener chortles like a cartoon villain.  “I’m gonna drown in mouths and vajeens!  MUAHAHAHA!” 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Every boner-killing construct in the history of Kent Wayne—oatmeal raisin cookies, culture wars, Karens, deep dish pizza—hits my womb-hammer all at once.  Wiener screams, “No—NOOOOOOO!!!!”  The coup de grace is Kent’s ex Irma Horfendorff, beamed into Wiener’s mind as a finger-wagging hologram.  She mercilessly berates him, screeching for more jewelry fashioned from diamonds.  He argues back with vehement force, insisting the Kimberley Process is a motherfucking joke—even if a clean one is mined from the earth, it still encourages mass exploitation because 90% of them are refined in Surat, where horrific working conditions make them into the equivalent of an actual fucking blood diamond.  It has no effect.  She raises her voice to a high-pitched keen, a glass-shattering frequency that makes his frenulum ripple and flare like the frill on the Dilophosaurus that ate Dennis fucking Nedry.  An agonized scream erupts from his dick-lips, harmonizing with her shriek in a dual-toned deluge of rage and pain.  At the same time, the air around him blurs and warps—her sonic attack could bring down armies, change the course of history, and banish Astaroth back to the Void. 

When it’s all said and done, he sags limply onto my balls, wreathed in smoke and moaning in agony.  After a second, he slowly turtles backward into the root, until he resembles a miniature pig in the blanket.

Ha!  That’s what you get, fuckwad, for throwing a coup against your betters! 

Kent Wayne’s Brain Hamster wins again!

😀

Have your genitals overridden your hardworking brain hamster, and steered you onto the path of romantic catastrophe?  Never fear!  Buy my books, magically barrage them with anti-sex frequencies, and put them in their goddamn place!

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1 

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