I stifle a sigh as I roll down my window. Man, I haven’t gotten a ticket in YEARS…as the officer makes her way over, I keep my hands on ten and two.
“Morning.” She studies me impassively over the rim of her ray-bans. “Wait a second, are you…would you mind pulling out your wiener for me?”
I shrug in response. “Not the first time this has happened. I’m fine with it, just as long as we don’t get caught.”
As I unzip, she laughs dismissively. “No, it’s nothing like that. You’re Kent Wayne, zany author and award-winning Man Whore, aren’t you?”
She leans in and stares at my meat. “I’d recognize that wiener anywhere. Me and my gal-pals are giant fans. Just wanted to see it in person.” She steps back and gives me a nod. “You’re free to go. If I wasn’t in uniform, I’d ask for a selfie with your upcurved thicky.”
“Wow!” I zip up and smile at her. “You just made my day, officer!”
She returns my smile and waves me on. “See you around. And ease off the gas, would you?”
“Absolutely! Thank you!”
I pull onto the road, shaking my head and grinning with pleasure. Hot damn, that was unexpected. Definitely not complaining—it’s a nice reminder there’s some decent people out and about. I think I’ll pass it on and service my next client free of charge. Maybe add in some Mountain Dew and Olive Garden, because who doesn’t love Mountain Dew and—
What the FUCK? As I zoom past a Tesla, I catch a glimpse of its owner, shirt over his head, jerking his hamster-tail-sized dick with a pair of tweezers. Right as he finishes, he pulls his shirt off his face and catches my gaze in the rearview mirror.
Oh SHIT! I slam pedal to metal, but his turbo-boosted car steadily eats the distance. Suddenly, in a Michael Bay-worthy transformation, it morphs into a gigantic robo-suit with Elon’s head poking out of the top.
“NO ONE CAN KNOW!” He levels a missile-podded arm at my car, cutting loose with a trio of rockets. They weave three smoky trails before slamming into the road, triggering sky-high plumes and billowing flames.
I weave back and forth, avoiding the destruction by mere inches. “Come on, man! I’m just a hard-working Man Whore! I’m not gonna tell anyone about your thumbtack-sized penis!”
“FUCK YOU!” he screams. Three more rockets tear up the road. His left arm-cannon starts glowing with feathery blue light. Purple motes materialize around it, drawing inward as it consolidates energy from ambient particles.
Holy. SHIT. He’s gonna cut loose with a supersized death-ray. No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Giada’s voice booms from my speaker: “All wings, report in.”
Rachael Ray says, “Milf 10, standing by.”
Nigella Lawson: “Milf 7, standing by.”
“Milf 3, standing by.”
“Milf 6, standing by.”
“Milf 9, standing by.”
And so it goes, until I hear Martha’s authoritative voice: “Milf Prime, standing by.”
My heart surges with hope as I spot a squadron of milf-piloted x-wings, cresting the horizon and speeding toward me. They unleash a torrent of turbolaser fire, blasting Elon with giant streams of energized fury. Much to my delight, I can hear him howling in rage as his robo-suit explodes into charred, smoking fragments.
“Thank you!” I sob. “Thank you, Food Network milfs!”
Giada’s voice comes through again: “We’re big fans of that upcurved thicky. Keep doing what you’re doing, you filthy pig he-slut.”
“AbsoLUTELY!” I look up as Rachael coasts by my window. She gives me a cocky, index-and-middle finger salute, then jets off into the sky-blue yonder.
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Have you interrupted Elon’s tweezer-powered pleasure? Never fear! Summon a bunch of hotties in X-Wings, and stave off his wrath with some turbolaser fury!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing