Yet another weird ad for my novels

Oh man, I cannot believe I’m about to explore Dagobah.  Finally—after all that shit with the second Death Star, balance is restored to the motherfucking Force.  Now that it’s safe, I’m gonna tour the galaxy and take in the sights.  Tatooine, Hoth, Endor…not gonna lie, I’m a giant Luke fan-boy. 

I throttle my X-Wing, easing it onto the swampy terrain.  Pop the cockpit, climb down the ladder, then make my way toward Yoda’s hut.  I stop outside, put my hands on my hips, and study the exterior with an appreciative gaze.  Bad.  Ass.  This is where Luke trained in all the cool stuff.  Telekinesis, one-armed handstands…

My thoughts are interrupted by frantic grunts, interspersed with curses and desperate moans.  What the fuck?  I unholster my blaster and start creeping forward.  Who the fuck is inside that hut? 

I part the vine-draped entrance with the muzzle of my blaster, hunkering down to accommodate the low-built ceiling.  As I round the corner, I spot a robed figure crouched on his haunches, pumping away like a horned-up monkey.  He’s saying something about Lannisters…

“Hey!” I yell.  “What the fuck are you DOING?”

As the guy falls backward, his dick plops out of a hole in the melon.  Cinnamon buns are glued onto either side, and a winking smiley-face is drawn onto its surface.  My mind goes blank, stunned by the depravity unfolding before me.  It takes a couple of seconds to realize…

“LUKE?”  My mouth drops open.

The Jedi master yanks up his pants.  “Never go full Lannister!  I mean…who are you?  What are you doing here?”

My eyes drift over to the desecrated melon.  Cinnamon buns, smiley face….

Oh no.  GROSS.

“You…”  I look at the melon in disbelief, then back at Luke.  “Leia…”  I shake my head, disgusted and shocked.

“No!” he protests.  “We kissed on the Death Star—that was it!  NEVER go full Lannister!”  A second later, his expression hardens.  “I can’t let you live.”  He reaches out with a hand, cutting off my air with his Force-trained mind.

“HKKK…”  My blaster tumbles from my weakening grasp.  Black walls begin closing in, hazing the edges of my sight with impending oblivion.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its hidden reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Space-time wrinkles, forming a radiant eddy off to my left.  Mace Windu steps out from its locus, staring incredulously at me, Luke, and the Leia-melon.

“HEY!” he yells.  “Get yo’ melon-fucking mind off this GODDAMN BYSTANDER!” 

Luke releases me and I drop to the floor, gasping and clutching at my ravaged neck.  “Mace!”  He raises both hands, palms out.  “I can explain!  Just—”

“I told you before,” Mace growls.  “I don’t give a shit about the alien titties, but you keep on with this incestuous melon-fucking, and I will go Old Republic on yo’ sister-kissing ass.”

“Last time!” Luke blurts.  “I swear!”

“It better be.”  Mace’s eyes widen into his trademark glare.  “Come on.”  He jerks his head at me.  “Time to vamoose.”

As I follow behind Mace, he spares the hut a disgusted glance.  “Melon-fucking sister-kisser.”

 

Have you incurred the wrath of a Jedi pervert?  Never fear!  Buy my books and escape his clutches!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommuni

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

A Door into Evermoor gets five stars on Amazon!!

SkerJumber Yibs! A Door into Evermoor gets five stars on Amazon! Thank you to everyone who’s bought and reviewed it, ESPECIALLY those five star reviews! Five star reviews are like $1000 tips for us indie authors! 🙂 🙂 😀 #WritingCommunity

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, and zany ads WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Give my books a read and a review!

What the two-hander is going on, all you porn-brained deviants who’ve watched too many fuck videos and are now convinced that a blow-jay has to be both fists stacked atop each other plus the mouth but your puny gerbil-dick fails to meet the requirement so you spend several hours every day punching the heavy bag while ugly-crying harder than Will Ferrell, after which you go out and buy a dozen kitted-out guns, a Ferrari, and a giant truck to make up for your shortcomings but none of it helps so you grab a wakizashi and prepare to commit seppu—

DON’T DO IT!  Come on, man—just because your wiener is on par with a long skin tag or a wobbly baby tooth doesn’t mean you can’t do oral! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀


Check out my first YA Fantasy book: A Door into Evermoor!

Check out my first venture into YA fantasy!  A disaffected teenager stumbles into a fantasy realm filled with Wayfarers, Wolven, Elerican Witches and magic revolvers!  All this and more in A Door into Evermoor! #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: A Door into Evermoor.

Get A Door into Evermoor here:  A Door into Evermoor  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1   Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!🙂 🙂 😀

Check out my sci-fi series: Echo!

Echo is where I started my writing journey. The series has four books, and is filled with musings on society and existence, along with big doses of violence (especially in book 2) as well as psychic stuff and existential philosophy (book 3 and 4). You can see me get a firmer grip on dialogue, description, action, perspective, and symbolism as you progress through the series.

Here’s the link: Echo.

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜   #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Yet another weird ad for my novels

I stuff a handful of shrooms into my gob.  Nompf omf momf and—

GALUMPH!

—here we go!

———

The world resolves into a cliff-dotted range of grass-coated rocks.  Off in the distance, lively waterfalls hiss and sputter.  What the hoozis?  Must have hop-skipped into another dimension.

Suddenly, I hear rapid clapping and slimy gulping, coming from somewhere off to my left.  Nice—someone’s close by.  Hopefully, whoever that is can help me out. 

I start making my way through a deep gully, bordered by sheer walls of damp stone.  Don’t know where I am, but the scenery’s pretty.  I just hope there aren’t any monsters, like sandworms or exogorths or—

I round a corner and my mouth drops open.  Ho.  Lee.  Shit.

Sam and Frodo are spit-roasting Gollum, pumping away with their stout Hobbit dicks.  Frodo’s got back, Sam’s got front. 

(Fucking knew it!)

I shuffle backward, intent on leaving with no one the wiser, but Sam spots me and shouts, “OY!”  As he pulls out, Gollum glances at me, and Sam finishes right in his eyes. 

“IT BURRRNNNNSSSS!!!”  Smeagol crooks his arms and wails at the sky. 

Sam shouts, “Get him Mr. Frodo!  If Rosie finds out, she’ll be cock-stomping mad!” 

I turn around to beat a hasty retreat, but Sam grabs a spud out of their stewpot, screams, “PO-TAY-TOES!” and slings it as hard as he can, hitting me in the side of my right knee.  (Fuck!  Forgot they can throw rocks like nobody’s business!)  My foot goes numb, I stumble to the ground, then scoot frantically away on my hands and my butt. 

“Don’t!”  I show them my palms as they back me against a gully wall.  (Jesus Christ, Gollum is HUNG!  Who would have thought?)

“We can’t let you live,” Sam hisses.  “You know too much.”

“What the fuck, man?  I have nothing against gay people, buttplay, or—”

“Watch him, Mr. Frodo!  I’m going to get a knife!”  Sam goes running toward their campsite. 

Frodo stares at me with those creepy big eyes.  “If Gandalf finds out, he will turn against us.”

“GANDALF?!?” I sputter.  “Maybe you haven’t read the news, but he’s the LAST person you should be concerned about!  Look—hook up with whoever you want, as long as you’re not hurting anybody!”  My eyes flick over to Gollum.  “It’s just…”

“What?” Frodo prods.

“Standards, maybe?”  I hiss through my teeth and give him an awkward, questioning look.  “I know you’ve been on the road, but—”

“I’ve got it, Mr. Frodo!”  Sam tromps back, knife in hand.  “Let’s cut him up and throw in the stew!”

Fuck.  THIS.  Ain’t no way I’m getting eaten by the Middle Earth version of cannibalistic rednecks.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“What devilry is this?”  Arwen comes running over, looking angrily from Hobbit to Hobbit.  “Why are you harrying this handsome wanderer?”

The Hobbits exchange a nervous look.  Sam says, “Ah…I…”

“Away with you!”  She flaps a disgusted hand.  “And for Ilúvatar’s sake, put on some clothes!” 

As the Hobbits go scrambling off, she reaches down and helps me up.  “Never once, in all my years on Middle Earth, did I think that Gollum bore such fleshly might.”

“I know, right?”  I dust off my thighs.  “Guy’s packing a .50 cal barrett.”

She gives me a once-over, curling a lock of hair behind her ear.  “Judging by the bulge on thy inner leg, you are just as blessed as Smeagol Trahald.”

“I’m flattered,” I chuckle.  “But I got a thing for super-hot soccer moms.  You check off the first box, but—”

“As of today, I am two thousand, nine hundred and one years old.”

My jaw drops.  “You…uh…”  Then I clear my throat and regain my composure.  “Well let’s get to fucking!  Hot damn!”

And so my entry into Middle Earth concluded with another joyous entry:  into the Elven equivalent of a blazing hot soccer mom.  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have a trio of Hobbits decided to throw you in their stew because you accidentally saw them fucking up a storm?  Never fear!  Buy my books and escape their wrath!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

A Door into Evermoor gets five stars on Amazon!!

GerShnobbelYooben McThobberYogs! Josh throws A Door into Evermoor, five stars on Amazon! Thank you muchly, Josh! And thank you to everyone who’s bought and reviewed it, ESPECIALLY those five star reviews! Five star reviews are like $1000 tips for us indie authors! 🙂 🙂 😀 #WritingCommunity

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, and zany ads WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Give my books a read and a review!

What the cum-blindness is happening, all you adventurous deviants who’ve watched too many porns and now you and your partner have agreed that a cumshot would be cool, but when you unload in their face it goes in their eyes and triggers a deep, wordless rage that causes them to sputter and hack like a zombie from 28 Days Later, now you’re ducking and weaving as they snarl and gnash, leaving you no choice but to employ your deadly Muay Thai, but as you throw teeps and crosses and crisp snappy jabs, they tap into a panoply of Bloodsport-inspired powers, spiting your Bolo Yeung cumshot with slow-motion blocks and a devastating series of balletic splits jump-kicks—

Run, motherfucker, RUN!  You can’t fight a cum-zombie who throws Jean Claude splits-kicks!  Goddamn!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀