It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

NerHabberDabs, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Taylor Swift pushes my face out from between her legs.  She flashes me a cat-that-got-the-cream smile and steps out from behind her desk.

“Thanks, Man Whore.  I needed that.  Goddamn haters are hating extra hard these days.”

I shuffle out from beneath the desk, massaging my aching jaw.  Out of all my clients, she’s the most demanding on my well-trained tongue.  I’ve sprained my masseter muscle three times in the last month alone, courtesy of Taylor’s oral needs.

As I rise to my feet, she throws a wad of hundreds at my face.  I wince as it bounces off my nose.  “Buy some spicy sausages, Kent—I know you love ’em, you cheap piece of he-slut fuckbait.”

“Yes Taylor,” I reply meekly.  It doesn’t pay to diss Tadolf.

As I walk out, I allow myself a grin.  This isn’t a bad gig, servicing celebrity vajeen with my upcurved wiener and machine-gun tongue.  I—

“Hey!” someone screams as I exit Taylor’s Beverly Hills Mansion.  “I hired you as my personal fuck-slut!  You signed an exclusivity contract, motherfucker!”

Oh SHIT!  It’s Megan Fox!

I break into a panicked sprint, arms and legs pumping like pistons.  Others join her, screaming for my head on a pike.  Christina, Britney, Beyonce…

I hurdle a fence and turn a corner, only to be confronted by Rihanna, Angelina, and Sofia Vergara.  Boogersnatch!  I turn around, readyto run the other way, when Ariana, Kim, and Giada De Laurentiis box me in.

“Gonna cut your nuts off, cockpig,” Giada crows, slapping a ginsu against her palm.  “Roast ’em in extra olive oil, then serve ’em up with a light dusting of Himalayan sea salt!  Due to their size, there’ll be plenty for all!”

They break out into raucous laughter.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A throbbing, henna-threaded portal opens before me.  From its wondrous center, a lone figure slowly emerges:

Martha Fucking Stewart.

Her eyes narrow with prison-forged anger.  “You hairy axe-wounds need to back the hell off.  This donkey-cock is mine.”

They all exchange a nervous look—it doesn’t pay to fuck with Martha.  But they’re too pissed to let it go.  “That’s a giant negative, food-bitch!” Ariana spits.  “Kent’s broken his contract—he deserves to suffer!”  A chorus of affirmations rises from the mob.

Beneath her trademark bob, Martha’s eyes narrow a little further, into badass glints of eat-yer-face rage.  She sinks into a modified horse-stance, blading up against the mob.  Her left fist is down and out, her right fist is up and close, like an eighties martial arts star.

“Psionic armor,” she rasps.  “Altruan variant.”

All around her, burning lines of glowing light trace outward at different angles, connecting together into a psychomagical suit of armor.  Ripples of color wash through the transparent plates, defining each one with a fantastic sheen of graduated brilliance.  Last but not least, a see-through visor made of light-woven tech clanks down across her eyes.

Her lips draw back in a terrifying grimace.  “Come and get some, you low-down dick-rustlers.”

“RUAAAAAAHHH!!!”  They charge forward.

Martha snarls and meets their charge, beating ass like there’s no tomorrow.  I slip away in the ensuing chaos, crying and blubbering like the man-bitch I am.  This ain’t no place for a fuckpig He-Whore!

 

 

Are you an honorable hooker, caught in the evil machinations of horny celebrities?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Urgh.  Zombie Kent no like apocalypse.  Struggle is real.

Move slow, no talk, and once-mighty penis look like sad baby mushroom.  Long ago, I flick tip, but it fall off and now I can’t find.  Fuck zombie life.  Urgh.

Urgh.

URGH!

Me shuffle around suburb.  Once I visit soccer moms—insert throbbing phallus into welcome vajeens—but now phallus stop throbbing.  I once enjoy Cheeto and dorito, now I only eat icky human.  Gross.

Wait, what this?  I see eReader lying on ground, amongst dust and junk on studio floor.  I pick up and open to Echo, activating reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“RUAAAAHHH!!!”

I let loose with big roar.  Muscle and hair burst across body.  I now am back in true state!

Kent Wayne:  Ape-Man He-Whore!

I gallop away on all fours, big ol’ dingus swinging between legs like Hammer of Thor.  Must be some Soccer Mom around who want boning!  (Due to thickness of dingus, I call it The Widening).  Watch out world—here come Kent Wayne, Ape-Man He-Whore!  HEH heh heh!

😀

 

 

Has the apocalypse turned you into a soulless, shuffle-footed zombie?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

YerNobberGob, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Hey-how-ya-doin’.  My name’s Lydanthiel, guardian angel of Kent Wayne.  I’m pulling overtime, which is just another Tuesday for us GAs.  Sorry if I sound a little rushed–I’m juggling Kent’s health, wealth, and goddamn Beta Males, trying to impede his free-dicked lifestyle!

Guardian Angeldom has come a long, long way since we flew around with dorky-ass swords and glowing halos.  Right now I’m in a sweet-ass AMECH-X (short for Angelic Mecha, version 10), surrounded by the cool blue glow of aetheric holographics.  I’m currently in Phase-Realm 3, which is half-in your physical world, half in the imaginal.  My AMECH-X allows me a direct interface into both planes, channeling nonphysical energy into corporeal matter.  It’s also fitted with a cutting-edge suite of astral defense mechanisms; they provide some protection against immaterial assailants.

Case in point—GRAMMAR NAZI SPIRITS ON MY GODDAMN SIX!  MOTHER OF FUCK!!!

I reach up to a ceiling-mounted grip, pulling it down and twisting sideways.  It locks in place with a meaty-sounding CHK-CHANK.  Psychic chaff pours from my AMECH’s hip-vents, lighting the astral cloudscape with dual streams of unarticulated concepts.  When I glance at my cams, they translate into a series of glimmering emojis.

My pursuers aren’t buying it.  They stay right on my ass, chipping at my causal engines with their stereotypically dull-ass objections.  On my Earth-side monitor, I see Kent Wayne suffering the side effects:  legions of pissants pick at his writing, harping on him for incorrect use of pronouns or italics or whatever-the-fuck-stimulates-a-Grammar-Nazi’s-micropenis.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

An Independence Day-style beam of light cuts through the aether, funneling down from the astral realm into Kent Wayne’s pants.  His wiener goes full-on Godzilla, pee-slit flapping like a windblown flag as it lets loose with a furious roar.

“RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”

As Grammar Nazis burst into his physical home, he spears them through the chest with his unstoppable peen.  It’s like watching a xxx Neo; he flips, dips, and skull-fucks his enemies with balletic grace.  As I soar into the depths of an Elysium-bound portal, I catch a glimpse of him using his cock like a giant grappling hook—swinging off ledges, trees, and telephone poles to make his escape.

THAT’S what you get for being a nitpicky hater, you Grammar Nazi fucks!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Are unimaginative shit-eaters doing their absolute damndest to fuck your manuscript in its metaphorical ass?  Are you fending off a deluge of complaints concerning the improper use of semicolons, or suffering through boring-ass diatribes about the Oxford comma?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Ahh…another beautiful morning in the world of Kent Wayne:  sci fi author and perennial Man Whore.

I get up from my bed and my wiener unwinds rapidly—fwip fwip FWIP—before thunking against the ground.  I stroll to my window and gaze out at the sunny landscape.  What a wonderful time to be a man-whore…

“There!” someone shouts, pointing up at me.  “He shames us through his well-endowed existence!  Cut off his head and fuck the skull!”

Oh no!  My eyes widen as the horizon fills with thousands of figures.

BETA MALES!

“I’ll tie it around my thigh!” I scream, rapidly winding it around my squat-thickened legs.  “Tuck it into a sock so the head doesn’t show!”

“Not enough!” they shout.  “The bulge will be way too obvious, even if you wear an ankle-length mumu!  Prepare to get roasted over a coal-filled pit!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I reach over to my nightstand and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The heavens rumble.  A fifty-foot tall God of Old—Odin Allfather, He of One Eye and Taker of No Shit Whatsoever—rips through a pair of clouds and beats his hairy, eight-packed torso with a giant pair of gnarled-ass fists.

“WHO DARES THREATEN MY MAN WHORE HERALD?” He booms.  “I SHALL BISECT YOU AT THE ANUS WITH A BLUNTED HATCHET!”

“No, please!” the Beta Males scream, dropping to their knees.  “Spare our shrivel-cocked lives!  We’ll accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate!”

“VERY WELL!” Odin roars.  “PREPARE TO RECEIVE THE STINKIEST FACIAL OF ALL TIME!  I’VE BEEN EATING ROTTEN SPAM AND ASPARAGUS FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS, HOPING FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION!  NOW YOU SUFFER MY FOUL-SMELLING SPERM!  OH HO HO HO!”

The manliest deity of all time yanks off his tunic and lets loose with giant blasts of curdy Gross, deluging the Beta Males with his odious disfavor.

“YOU WANT IN ON THIS, KENT?  CUM ON THEIR FACES WHILE THE CUMMING’S GOOD!”

“You fucking bet!”  I unwind my wiener and start launching blasts of equally stinky ejaculate, coating the Beta Males in thick, webby cocoons.  As they cry and sob, me and Odin clutch the air with upturned hands and cackle like batshit madmen.

“OH HO HO!  AH HA HA!  MWAHAHAHA!!!  AHHHHH HA HA HAAAA!!!!!”

😀

 

 

Have you been targeted by a mob of envious, brain-dead mouth-breathers?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

NerDabberDoo, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.