It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

NerbShnobberDobben GerThoobenFace, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Sometimes, my writerly daydreaming takes over my brain, and I end up wandering into unintended places (physical places).  That’s what happened earlier today.  I was deep in a fantasy about interdimensional robo-fights when I suddenly realized I’d somehow meandered into a nearby Container Store.  One of my go-to choices for picking up Soccer Moms.

And I’m wearing sweatpants.  Dickprint?  100% visible.

Typically, this isn’t a problem.  Advertising the goods, right?  But right now, I’m dehydrated from a hard lifting sesh followed by a grueling jiu-jitsu class, so…

“GET HIM!”  A Soccer Mom looks away from an astonishingly clever selection of receptacles and points at my knee-length womb-hammer.  “DRAIN HIM OF SPERM!”

“NO!” I cry.  “I’M DANGEROUSLY LOW ON FLUIDS!  YOU’LL KILL ME!!!”

They couldn’t care less.  They sprint toward me, their SUV keys jangling in their purses like a suburban death knell.  I try to flee but one of them launches her cart across the shopping floor.  It slams my ribs, blindsiding the fuck out of me.  I glimpse a confusing jumble of ingeniously built organizers and ergonomically designed storage bins before I tumble to the ground, gasping in terror.  I may know a little bit of grappling, but I’m no match for an army of hands, each one strengthened from years of pulling away markers, paste, and various forms of rancid filth from their infant hellspawn.  They tear off my shirt like cheap tissue paper.

No options left.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My knee-length wiener telescopes outward, until it’s roughly the length of a pool-cleaner’s rod.  A twist of my hips, and—

HUP!

—I jam the other end into the crack between a display case and the floor, allowing the rebounding tension to vault me high into the air.  As my feet leave the ground, I bicycle my arms and legs to max out my distance, screaming triumphantly like an ‘80s action star who’s just killed hundreds of cheesy villains and is now escaping via the time-honored Flame Jump (slow motion, of course).  As I collapse into a roll and dash into the parking lot, I look over my shoulder and catch a glimpse of the Soccer Mom Leader.  A single tear rolls down her cheek.  The wind carries her voice to my ears.

“Fly free, Man Whore,” she whispers.  “Fly free.”

Kent lives to write another day!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Is your body too dehydrated to keep up with the demands of your sexed-up admirers?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Saint Momo here.  You probably haven’t heard of me, but I’ve got the street cred:  visions, clash with corrupt clergy-folk, mid-tier miracles (transubstantiation, bilocation, laying on of hands, etc. etc.), harrowing torture, then a relaxing vacation in the Eternal Beyond.  I lived as a beret-wearing newsie in the early twentieth century, back when tommy guns, speakeasies, and words like “dame,” and “gams,” were still in style .  My Noo Yawk smart mouth has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count, which is why the Mob guys named me Momo, a none-too-subtle dig on my lack of brains—specifically my thought-mouth filter.

Got me a spiffy set of wings, a Flaming Sword, and a new set of divine powers.  Mikey (yep, that Mikey) tasked me with finding the oaf known as Kent Wayne and convince him to write his freakin’ books.  We’ve loaded fresh concepts into his thick skull, but instead of feeding the Infinite Expansion, he spends most of his time boffing Soccer Moms.  Fornication’s okay, but jeez louise—take a break every now and then.  Apparently, he always smells like chlorine and fish, but he’s so friggin’ charming that it doesn’t slow his game.

Okay, let’s get this party started.

“KENT!” I thunder, as I materialize in his studio.  “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???”

“AAAAAHHHH!!!”  He swivels in his office chair, his laptop open to MyFriendsHotMom dot com.  “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU???”

“Lay off the Soccer Moms,” I order.  “The Big Guy’s peeved.”

“The Big G—” Realization dawns in his neander-fuck face.  “Nah, bruh.  You heard wrong—I got a pass.”

“You’re pissing me off.”  I reach down to my waist and activate my Flaming Sword.  “We can do this easy…or we can do it real easy, if you get my drift.”

“Don’t believe me, eh?”  He opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“Witness my wiener in it’s true form!” he cries, rising to his feet and dropping trou.  Due to the magic eReader, the spell that disguised his piece as a knee-length womb-hammer discoheres.

I now see it for what it truly is:  a luminous bar of nameless colors, each one thrumming with soul-piercing melody.  His disgusting scent fades from my mind, transcendent rapture blasts through my being.  This is what they referenced when they wrote of Nirvana, of hypostatic union, of the Glory of Being…

“All right all right!”  I cover my eyes, turning away from the Light of Creation.  “Mortal Affairs must have dropped the ball and given me a bunk tasking!  Put it away!”

He zips back up and plops in his chair.  Sonofabitch doesn’t say a thing—just steeples his fingers and giggles like a psycho.  “HEH heh heh!”

I fly off into the aether, shaking my head in utter befuddlement.  Why would the Big Guy give him that much power?  File under “mysterious ways,” I guess.

Gotta say though:  I can definitely see why the Soccer Moms love him.

 

 

Has some dickhead from on high come down from their aerie and given you shit about your freewheeling ways?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

KerShnobberSnozzen, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

I’ve built corporate empires, destroyed third-world nations both overtly and covertly, and ordered the assassination of countless whistleblowers and good-hearted activists.

That’s right.  I’m the trillionaire mogul you’ve never heard of:  Thatcher Van Aldershire.

I’m currently on vacation (when am I not, is the question?) at an unnamed island with my fellow Bilderbergers.  The caviar is fresh, the coke is plentiful.  Every night, an hour after sundown, we sacrifice fresh virgins to the Owl God Moloch.  Sometimes it’s one, most times it’s twenty.  Par for the course when you’re a deviant trillionaire.

After brunch (where we feasted on infant brains and human bacon), we discussed our newest project:  thwarting the indie author known as Kent Wayne.  Somehow, this Soccer Mom-obsessed imbecile has seen through the veil of First World tedium (probably got lucky with a massive dose of mushrooms, yet another reason to keep them illegal) and started writing books about fulfillment and meaning.  This cannot stand.  He must be silenced before the unwashed masses storm our castles with pitchforks and bludgeons.

Accordingly, we’ve gathered together in our Magisterium Maleficium (a chamber built for masked orgies and unholy magic) to perform a ritual that will bend space and wrinkle time, and bring Kent directly to us.

“AGH NAMUN RA—HETAKI NORI-DE, MOLOCH SHA BIN-TAH!”  Our Dark Cleric screams the last words of the incantation, causing a blazing portal to open within our chalk-circle pentagram.  Every one of us—arranged evenly around the perimeter—hold our breath in anticipation.  The portal brightens, threatening to shred our sanity with brief glimpses of the Unknowable Beyond, then—

Ka-KRACK!

The portal’s gone.  In its place is a befuddled moron, or as you know him:  Kent Wayne.

“SEIZE HIM!”  Our Cleric points with a long-nailed finger.  Mercenaries rush him from all sides.  Kent looks bewildered, then his gaze steels over.

“Knew this was coming.  I came prepared, bitches.”  He reaches in his pocket and opens his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My vision clears a moment later.  Kent is on his knees, maowing down plate after plate of spicy sausage, materialized before him courtesy of his eReader.  His eyes bug and his cheeks bulge as disgusting nom-noises fly from his mouth.

“NO!” I cry.  “SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE—”

The spicy sausages have done their work.  Kent’s asshole dilates wide; an ominous rumble quakes the air.  Everyone runs, trying to escape his gastronomic payload.  Too late.  A tsunami of Gross pours out his backside, propelling him through the roof of our evil hideout while swamping the room with fecal death.

Damn you Kent Wayne!  We almost had you!  We almost—

………

…………………..

 

 

Have you been kidnapped by an evil-ass cadre of baby-eating trillionaires?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

The After-Being!  A post-life stretch of blissful eternity where all my desires are instantly made real!  I romp amongst legions of soccer moms, making pew pew noises each time I bust!  They accept my idiocy with easy laughter; this is the After-Being, after all!  Neither my juvenile humor nor my stinky seed elicit a violent reprisal from a hidden taser!

But then the sky darkens.  Ominous thunder rumbles through the cloudscape.  A winged, trench-coated figure appears on the horizon and flies toward me.

“Uriel.  What do you want?”  Officially, he’s the After-Being’s Chief Gaoler and Deporter of Souls.  Unofficially, he’s a giant dick.

“Kent.”  He flips open his ID badge with a practiced motion.  “Time’s up, man.  You’re gonna work for me as a Clerk of Gaols and Deportation.”

“FUCK you!” I snarl.  “There is no WAY I’m giving up ungodly orgasms and pew pew noises!  No way in HELL!”

“Language,” he chides.  “Remember where you’re at.  Now come along peacefully, before I open a can of Flaming Sword on your ornery ass.”

Gulp.  Flaming Sword is no small matter.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A portal opens below me.  By its auric signature, Uriel can instantly see it leads to Earth.

“No!” he yells, reaching toward me.  “Do NOT go in that portal, or I swear to the Big Guy I’ll—”

Too late, asshole!  SHEEEEEOOOOOOOP!

WHHOOOoooOOOaaaaAAAAFUCKMEINTHEGOATASS!!!!

Per-SKOOP!

And now here I am, in my human body, ready to wield my prodigious member in service of Soccer Moms!  (This ain’t the After-Being, though, so I gotta take it easy on the asparagus, and fucking FORGET about the pew-pew noises).  Eat smegma, Uriel!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Is a divinely appointed dickhead trying to saddle you with a shitty 9-5 you could’ve easily gotten on the physical plane?  Fuck that cocksmear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

LerYoobenFozz BerSnonkenGibbers, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.