It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

YoobleSloog BunDooberStops, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“Is that IT?” Taylor Swift throws her head back and laughs raucously.  “Pathetic!  You only gave me a dozen orgasms, Kent!  You’ll never be anything more than a second-rate man whore!  Take this fistful of crumpled ones and get the fuck out of here!  AHAHAHA!!!”  She throws a wad of dirty cash at my tear-streaked face.

“You’ll see!” I cry as I bundle up my clothes and try (unsuccessfully) to hold back my tears.  “Someday I’ll be rich and powerful!  You’ll regret treating me like this, Taylor!”

“The fuck did you say?”  She bolts up from the bed and fixes me with a glare.

“Aaah!  Nothing!”  I let out a terror-fart and try to flee, but she blurs in front of me and grabs me by the throat, lifting me off the floor.  Damn her pop princess black magic powers!

“Gllk…please!” I gasp, clawing at my throat.  “Can’t…breathe…”

Her eyes glow red with devilish malice.  Her lips widen into a predatory smile.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Soccer Mom Prime comes busting through the wall, chopping the air with both hands and sprinting forward like the T-1000.  Taylor turns around and manages a quick “What the—” before SMP launches into the air like a Neo with boobs, flashing a triple kick into Taylor’s throat.  The alpha mom lands, kung-fu backsweeps Taylor off her feet, and snaps her neck as soon as she her back hits the deck.

“Well.”  Soccer Mom Prime claps the dust off her hands.  “That’s the end of that.”  She gives me an appraising once-over.  “Come on, get that wiener out so we can pound one out.  SUVs this way.”  She strides toward her double-parked Ford Expedition.

I dust myself off and follow in her footsteps.  Soccer Mom lovin’—OH yeah!

😀

 

 

Has your pop idol finally gotten tired of you, and no longer gives your beautiful genitals the respect and courtesy they friggin’ deserve?  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Only a few more weeks until Halloween  In most cases, that means a bunch of horned-up doofuses getting blackout drunk, throwing on some OMG-I’m-so-crazy-let’s-fuck-like-spastics costumes and dancing badly to some top 40s singles, but every so often, it involves a truly terrifying brush with horror…

 

 

Hallo-fucking-ween.  Fuck.

FUCK.

For the vast majority, it’s a once-in-a-year opportunity to act the fool and mash genitals with a desperate rando, but for your favorite author and perennial Man Whore (me, Kent Wayne, in other words), it’s utter fucking hell.  My soccer mom lovers lose all interest in me; they’re locked firmly into Good Mother mode, so they can shepherd their kids through a dizzying maze of high fructose corn syrup, artificial coloring, and suspect preservatives.

Anyways, October 31 is when I fully embrace Grumpy as Fuck, Old Man Kent.  I stay at home, sitting on my front porch rocking chair, shaking my fist at teenage delinquents and snarling old-timey phrases (“Dad-blasted whippersnappers!”  “Cork-eating nimbertops!”  As well as the occasional:  “I fucked your mom!”  HEH heh heh!  That one always messes with em cause it’s usually true).  When I get tired of screwing with the young’uns, I go inside and write.  That’s what I’m doing right now.

Clickity clickity clack.  Words flow from my brain to my fingers, painting the page with bold streaks of concepts and narrative.  Suddenly, the lights dim and fritz.  My house goes dark.

“What the…”  I rise from my chair, feeling tentatively around with extended arms.

An evil, reedy voice cuts through the dark:  “Heh heh heh!  HEH heh heh!  It’s me, Kent—Grammar Nazi Prime.  I’m gonna turn your manuscript into a dead, soulless piece of crap, full of oxford commas and played-out adjectives.  You are FUCKED.”

Tears stream down from my face as I inadvertently shit myself.  “STAY AWAY FROM ME, MONSTER!”

No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My grapefruit-sized nuts plop out from my pants and shine with dazzling, soul-stirring brilliance.  They light the room with shining spears of rainbow light, bringing Grammar Nazi Prime’s shadowy, spindly form into clear relief.  He recoils and screams.

“AAAAHHH!!!” he cries.  “EARTH’S PRIMARY LOCUS OF CREATIVITY AND TESTOSTERONE!  NOT FAIR, KENT!  NOT FAAAAIIIIIRRRRR!!!”

And then he disappears in a flutter of bats.  Whew!

Saved by my bulbous, pendulous nuts!  Fuck off, forces of darkness!

😀

 

 

Are you trying to spend Halloween in peace and quiet, but grammar-obsessed nitwits insist on picking at your goddamn manuscript?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

The Weekly Update: Echo, Kor’Thank, Musings Volume 2, and the Strained Brains Podcast

Kor’Thank:  Drafting is done, currently editing  Musings, Volume 2:  Musing 437 (out of 700; Musings Volume 2 is musings 350-700), first pass (out of 4).  Thanks to All Who Bought Echo, Musings, or downloaded my podcast!  And BIG THANKS to those who posted positive reviews on Amazon or Goodreads!!!

News:  What up what up what upperson!!!  Things are going good, I’m struggling to bend the last pieces of Kor’Thank into place via the editing sword, checking for discrepancies, and simultaneously thinking of my next series, which will be a YA fantasy called the Unbound Realm.

That’s it for now!  If you’re a writer, then I wish you inspired drafting and insightful editing!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

It’s Free Sample Friday!!!

GanStoops McJibbleWiggles, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization.

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

One sentence—that’s all I need.  Half the time, I start my writing sessions with whatever rando combination of words come to mind.  Let’s reach in the ol’ Kent Wayne brain and—

Der-boobies-look-better-when-you-coat-them-in-oil-especially-after-they-get-pressed-together-so-I-can—

—WHOA!  Not what I was looking for!  I need story ideas for books, dammit, not Brazzers scenes!  I screw up my face, squinching my eyes shut.  My tongue slips out without my intending it as I strain my noggin, trying with all my freakin’ might to conjure up a viable story idea.

HNNNNGH!

Nothing.  Sigh.

So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Ernest Hemingway bursts through my wall like the frickin’ Kool Aid guy, dressed in pointy elf-shoes and a strongman onesie.  He lifts an oversized bottle of whiskey to his lips, takes several giant chugs—galumph Galumph GALUMPH—and wipes his mouth with his coarse-haired wrist.

“AAAAH!” he exclaims.  “Best breakfast EVER!”

Then he uppercuts me right in the stomach.  I bend over and my eyes bug out—WHOOF—and he shoves a handful of magic mushrooms into my surprised mug.

“Get that down yer gander, you whissy-slipped dunderfop, you!”

I flinch back and protect my face.  “Don’t hit me!” I squeal.  “Your knuckles are extra hairy—for some reason, it makes your punches worse!”

He puts both hands on his hips and roars with laughter.  “The power of Old Timeyness!” he cackles.  “Now tell me if those fungi didn’t do the trick—I’ll eat my hat if they didn’t!”

I slowly straighten, my eyes widening as starfighters, Penis Dragons, and hot ass Soccer Moms drift through the air in winged SUVs.

“Whoa,” I whisper.  “Yeah…yeah I think it did.”

“Knew it would!”  He slaps on a leather World War I fighter ace aviator helmet (complete with a pair of oversized goggles), bends both arms at the elbows, and squats like he’s about to take a shit.  A 1950s, Rocketeer-style jetpack materializes on his back and he blasts off into the sky, calling me milksop, mollycoddle, nincompoop, and all kinds of other old-timey insults we should definitely bring back.

But none of that matters.  Got an idea for my story, and it’s got soccer moms in it!  Ha HA!

😀

 

Do you need a creative boost from a whiskey-swilling, pipe-smoking, onesie-wearing Man among Men?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“Oh Martha…” I sigh and run my hand across the framed picture of Martha Stewart I keep on the pedestal of my completely uncreepy, candle-dotted shrine inside my walk-in closet.  “You’re so pretty, so tough…you refused to let those piece-of-crap SEC prosecutors have the last word, even when they threw you in prison…”

“KENT!”  My wife Irma Horfendorff’s knifelike voice slices through my reverie, causing me to flinch like a beaten dog.  “WHERE’S MY MONTHLY TRIBUTE, PAYABLE IN DIAMONDS OR HIGH-END FURNITURE?  YOU BETTER HAVE IT IN FULL THIS TIME, YOU BITCHSLUT FUCKSTINK YOU!”

“Coming, dear!”  I scurry out from the closet, trying to appease her with bright, false laughter.  “Calm down—you know how you get when you’re angry!  Please don’t fist me!”

“TOO LATE FOR THAT, KENTY!  GONNA USE A 20 OUNCE BOXING GLOVE, NO LUBE!  YOU’LL BE WEARING DIAPERS FOR MONTHS, AND YOU’LL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO GAPER MCGAPERSON!  MWAHAHAHAHA!”

No!  NO!  I halt in my tracks and wring my hands, agonizing over what to do.

Then my eyes steel over.  Fuck it.  Only one option left.  I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Martha Stewart crashes through the roof like a  Food Network version of the Son of Krypton.  She lands in a single-kneed crouch; a web of cracks sprouts on the floor, and a rain of busted drywall and broken ceiling spills down from above.

“Your ass is mine,” she rasps, rising to her feet.  Debris falls off her shadowed form.  “No one else’s.”

Irma Horfendorff bursts into the room, her lips drawn back in a ferocious snarl.  “Back off bitch!  Kent’s due for a Sauron-style pegging!  You’d best leave before I—”

Martha charges my demonic (now ex, thankfully) wife, her hands chopping the air with both hands like the T-1000.  Irma lets loose with a titanic roar, causing the air to blur and shake–I’m bucked off my feet, my nose and ears erupt with blood.

When I hit the ground, I turn onto my stomach and frantically belly-crawl toward the door.  I’ve countered Irma’s evil with Martha’s fury, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT. COST????

*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*

 

 

Do you need to stop your ex with an unspeakably powerful Food Network icon?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜