I stuff a handful of shrooms into my gob.Ā Nompf omf momf andā
GALUMPH!
āhere we go!
āāā
The world resolves into a cliff-dotted range of grass-coated rocks.Ā Off in the distance, lively waterfalls hiss and sputter. Ā What the hoozis?Ā Must have hop-skipped into another dimension.
Suddenly, I hear rapid clapping and slimy gulping, coming from somewhere off to my left.Ā Niceāsomeoneās close by.Ā Hopefully, whoever that is can help me out.Ā
I start making my way through a deep gully, bordered by sheer walls of damp stone.Ā Donāt know where I am, but the sceneryās pretty.Ā I just hope there arenāt any monsters, like sandworms or exogorths orā
I round a corner and my mouth drops open.Ā Ho.Ā Lee.Ā Shit.
Sam and Frodo are spit-roasting Gollum, pumping away with their stout Hobbit dicks.Ā Frodoās got back, Samās got front.Ā
(Fucking knew it!)
I shuffle backward, intent on leaving with no one the wiser, but Sam spots me and shouts, āOY!āĀ As he pulls out, Gollum glances at me, and Sam finishes right in his eyes.Ā
āIT BURRRNNNNSSSS!!!ā Ā Smeagol crooks his arms and wails at the sky.Ā
Sam shouts, āGet him Mr. Frodo!Ā If Rosie finds out, sheāll be cock-stomping mad!āĀ
I turn around to beat a hasty retreat, but Sam grabs a spud out of their stewpot, screams, āPO-TAY-TOES!ā and slings it as hard as he can, hitting me in the side of my right knee.Ā (Fuck!Ā Forgot they can throw rocks like nobodyās business!)Ā My foot goes numb, I stumble to the ground, then scoot frantically away on my hands and my butt.Ā
āDonāt!āĀ I show them my palms as they back me against a gully wall.Ā (Jesus Christ, Gollum is HUNG!Ā Who would have thought?)
āWe canāt let you live,ā Sam hisses.Ā āYou know too much.ā
āWhat the fuck, man?Ā I have nothing against gay people, buttplay, orāā
āWatch him, Mr. Frodo! Ā Iām going to get a knife!āĀ Sam goes running toward their campsite.Ā
Frodo stares at me with those creepy big eyes.Ā āIf Gandalf finds out, he will turn against us.ā
āGANDALF?!?ā I sputter.Ā āMaybe you havenāt read the news, but heās the LAST person you should be concerned about!Ā Lookāhook up with whoever you want, as long as youāre not hurting anybody!āĀ My eyes flick over to Gollum.Ā āItās justā¦ā
āWhat?ā Frodo prods.
āStandards, maybe?āĀ I hiss through my teeth and give him an awkward, questioning look.Ā āI know youāve been on the road, butāā
āIāve got it, Mr. Frodo!āĀ Sam tromps back, knife in hand.Ā āLetās cut him up and throw in the stew!ā
Fuck.Ā THIS.Ā Aināt no way Iām getting eaten by the Middle Earth version of cannibalistic rednecks.Ā So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality-distortion powers.Ā Magic flash.
āWhat devilry is this?āĀ Arwen comes running over, looking angrily from Hobbit to Hobbit.Ā āWhy are you harrying this handsome wanderer?ā
The Hobbits exchange a nervous look.Ā Sam says, āAhā¦Iā¦ā
āAway with you!ā Ā She flaps a disgusted hand.Ā āAnd for IlĆŗvatarās sake, put on some clothes!āĀ
As the Hobbits go scrambling off, she reaches down and helps me up.Ā āNever once, in all my years on Middle Earth, did I think that Gollum bore such fleshly might.ā
āI know, right?āĀ I dust off my thighs.Ā āGuyās packing a .50 cal barrett.ā
She gives me a once-over, curling a lock of hair behind her ear.Ā āJudging by the bulge on thy inner leg, you are just as blessed as Smeagol Trahald.ā
āIām flattered,ā I chuckle.Ā āBut I got a thing for super-hot soccer moms.Ā You check off the first box, butāā
āAs of today, I am two thousand, nine hundred and one years old.ā
My jaw drops.Ā āYouā¦uhā¦āĀ Then I clear my throat and regain my composure.Ā āWell letās get to fucking!Ā Hot damn!ā
And so my entry into Middle Earth concluded with another joyous entry:Ā into the Elven equivalent of a blazing hot soccer mom.Ā Kent Wayne wins again!Ā HEH heh heh!
š
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