My name’s Kent Wayne: Eleven-Year-Old Extraordinaire. President of the Chess Club, Commissioner of Hallway Monitors, and Regional Spelling Bee Champion.
I run my school, in other words.
But this is sixth grade—elementary-grade rules no longer apply. Puberty has reared its ugly head, striking ninety percent of the student body. Wouldn’t be a problem if everyone’s pituitary was on the same page, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. True to stereotype, the most potent growth spurts have favored the least deserving: upper middle-class, small-minded jocks who think that might makes right. They’ll enjoy life for the next decade or so, but once they’re chained to a soul-killing job, rebellious brats, and a milfy wife that centers her existence around personal trainer side-dick, those very same jocks will beg for Ragnarok.
But ten years is too fucking long. I can’t let primitive douchetards run amuck, dammit. To that end, I’ve scheduled a planning session with my trusted lieutenant: Maximoff Harkins (real name Timmy Powolski, but I’ve always wanted to work with an Alfred Pennyworth analogue).
I walk into the science classroom and flap a hand at its only inhabitant: Mr. Jensen. “Leave us.”
Jensen knows the score. He taps a sheaf of papers on the desk, then gets up and leaves.
I plunk down in his chair and kick my feet up. My fingers steeple beneath my chin. “Harkins, we have a problem. Fucking Jace Miller has assumed the mantle of Head Jock in Charge. Might as well call him Chief Tormentor, because he’s making everyone’s life a living—”
A loud bang. I bolt up from my seat, just in time to glimpse Jace as he kicks the door open. As it swings back toward him, he checks it with his shoulder and strides in, trailed by a quartet of brainless minions.
“Well well well. Look who it is: Kent Wayne, the supposed king of sixth fucking grade. Gimme your lunch money, nerd.”
I clench my teeth. “Not a chance, dickbag.” I throw a glance at Harkins. “Get out of here. You weren’t trained for this.” He looks torn, but when I throw him a wink, he realizes I’ve got something up my sleeve. He reluctantly slips out of the room.
Jace smacks his fist against his palm. “Money or wedgie. Your choice, geek.”
I roll my eyes. “God, you’re a walking caricature. Haven’t you seen a John Hughes movie? At least try and be original, won’t you?”
He looks puzzled for a second, then reassumes his disdainful sneer. “Enough with the fancy science talk. Pay up, Wayne. In money or noogies.”
“A John Hughes reference isn’t ‘science talk.’ It’s a pop culture—”
“RUAAAAAHHHH!!!” Jace and his minions charge toward me, reeking of BO and mob mentality.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Cabled muscle erupts across me, and I grow several inches in the span of a second. My wiener grows thick and veiny, tickling the top of my kneecap with its substantive head. My pendulous balls fill with sperm, swelling my sack until it resembles something akin to an exposed cat brain. This is my body when I’m a thirty-something adult, I realize; when I’ve entered my prime and laid claim to my destiny.
Kent Wayne. Man Whore and author, at your service.
“Jace, are you ready to go ho—” Jace Miller’s hot-ass mom, Stephanie, walks in and stops short. Her eyes wander up and down my hirsute body, growing to the size of friggin’ dinner plates when she spots my wiener poking out from my shorts.
“COME HERE, MAN WHORE!” She sprints into my arms and we begin making out like horny high schoolers. All moan-y and super slobber-y.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Jace’s expression. His lower lip trembles as he realizes what’s happening.
“Mom? MOM????”
He drops to his knees, clutching the air like Vader at the end of the third shitty prequel. “NOOOOOOO!!!!”
Music to my ears! HEH heh heh!
😀
Are you a beleaguered middle-schooler who desperately needs to smack down the resident alpha-jock? Never fear!
Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜
