Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Focus, Kent…FOCUS…

NYAAAAAGH!

I open my eyes, drenched in sweat and gasping for breath.  I look between my legs and sigh in defeat.

Goddammit.  Wiener’s still the same damn size.

It’s a big ol’ thicky, but nowhere near as ginormous as I want it.  I want an Argument Killer—the kind of wiener you can whip out when you’re losing badly in a heated debate, stunning the opposition into a hushed silence.  The kind of wiener that can transform your verbal ass-kicking into total pwnage.

Oh well.  Some other day, maybe.  Time to attend to my writerly duties.

I sit down at my computer and begin plinking away.  But just as I hit my 1000th word, screams erupt from outside my condo.  I jump up and run to the window.

Holy fuckgobble!  Motherfucking Beta Males—they followed me down from San Francisco!

“WE’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU, KENT!” one screams as he kneels on the hood of my car and ejaculates onto the windshield.  “WE KNOW YOU SPAT OUT THE TOFURKEY WE GAVE YOU—WE KNOW YOU LIED WHEN YOU SAID YOUR PENIS WAS ONLY TWO AND A HALF INCHES!”

Sweat breaks out across my brow.  It’s true—in order to work as an accountant up in San Francisco, I had to blend in—perfect my snort-laugh, wear super baggy clothes to hide my muscles, and pretend I was hung like a newborn gerbil.  Also, under no circumstances could I wear sweatpants—a big ol’ dickprint would have sent them into a murderous rage.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Martha Stewart, Giada De Laurentiis, and a host of other Food Network beauties make their entrance from a shining, interdimensional rip in the air.  They start ripping out gizzards, punching through chests, and biting giant craters into the Beta Males’ soft, jawline-devoid skulls.  I punch the air, hooting joyfully as the triumph on the Beta Males’ faces turns to utter and complete horror.

“Kent is OURS!” Martha screams.  “OURS—you hear me???  His wall-widening thicky is a goddamn TREASURE!”

Wait—they want to make sex with me?  A buncha hot-ass MILFS that can grill a perfect steak and bake gluten-free cupcakes?

oooOOOOOHHHH SHHIIITTTTT!!!!

My wiener bursts forth from my pants, roaring ferociously.  I beat my chest and howl right along with it.

Once it’s done, it slinks down my leg and coils around my right ankle.

Hey—what do you know?  An Argument Killer!  Thank you, Food Network MILFS!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Have a bunch of pedantic, finger-wagging haters decided to besmirch your ride with their zero-sperm semen?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the ass-smell is happening, all you dirty fucking birdies who’ve seen your partner wince and cringe as they’re about to give you oral pleasure but then they catch a whiff of the undying horror that resides in your colon and bravely fight through it even though a tear of despair wells up in the corner of their uncontrollably twitching eye as they ready themselves to plunge headfirst into a dark world of terror and madnes—

What is the MATTER WITH YOU???  Unless you want to embody Oppenheimer’s quote—I am become Death, destroyer of worlds—use a manpon, invest in a bidet, and freshen your back-puss just like you do your mouth!  Jesus fucking Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Thank You Recent Kor’Thank Purchasers!!!

NerGobberBlippers!  Thank Ya Big Big to all who bought Kor’Thank on Kindle yesterday!  Whoever you all are, Thank You Very Much!!!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

It’s Free Sample Friday!

Yerbernots, GerThoppenSchlong, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the fuckgobble is happening, all you go-for-broke oral warriors who like to make loud-ass noises while you’re pleasuring your partner (OMMANOMGLKGLKGLKMRRRUUUUAAAAHHH!) so they have some audio stimulation to go along with their tactile—

Jesus Christ, man!  Never, EVER go full-on demon-gasm!  Save that shit for when you’re decapitating a Demogorgon or mowing through an army of Blood Moon Orcs!  Fuck!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Ahh…another day in paradise.  Roll out of bed, uncoil the wiener from around my ankle, give it a quick scratch n’ sniff (don’t judge—I know plenty of you do it), fix a cup of coffee and sit down to write.

I knock out a few hundred words, relax into the rhythm and flow, letting my mind drift along the roads of potential and possibility.  No better therapy than a microdose and writing, lemme tell ya.  Add in some Soccer Mom sex and an episode of Adventure Time…man, there’s no comparison.

Suddenly, my screen goes black.

Huh?  Whafuh?  I tap the keys, irritated as hell.  All I’m doing is running a goddamn word processor, how the fuck does it crap out on me when all it has to do is—

“HEH heh heh!”

What the—I tap the speakers.  Did someone hack me?

“Hello, Kent.”

I straighten up, fighting the dread that boils in my gut.  I know that voice.

“It’s me:  Grammar Nazi Prime.”  The screen fills with a chinless visage, defined by receding hair and a complete lack of jawline.

“What do you want?”  I try to keep my voice from shaking.  “GET OUT OF MY COMPUTER!”

“We Grammar Nazis have had enough of your freewheeling writing, not to mention your ridiculous good looks and visibly giant dick-print.  You wear sweatpants almost every day, you insipid show-off.  Time to put you in your place.”

Before I can respond, a laser shoots from the screen directly into my forehead, intensifying rapidly with white-cored brilliance.  Holy shit!  I can feel my features shifting, my thoughts changing…

The laser cuts off.  Staring back at me from the faint reflection of the now-black screen is a horrific visage.

MOTHER OF BALLS HE TURNED ME INTO A KAREN!!!

“Oh ho ho ho…HEH heh heh…”  My chuckles turn to sobs before abruptly switching into belly-shaking laughs.  Tears stream down my cheeks as I fight the transformation.

“Nuh…NUH…NOOOO!!!”  I cover my face and flail blindly around, swiping my desk clean with a violent swing of my outstretched arm.  Oh God—I can feel the urge to watch televised megachurch building within me…the overwhelming impulse to buy nasty-ass fruitcakes for all and sundry…(who buys fruitcakes as a goddamn gift?  Karens do and you know it—you fucking KNOW IT!)

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Ropy white stems erupt through my condo’s floor and walls, blossoming into man-sized psychedelic mushrooms.  One of them wraps me up tight.  Another forces its way into my mouth like a blessed, mind-expanding cock.

“MRRF!  MRRF!  OM-NOM-NOMMY-MCNOMSKIES!”  I maow down a pound of shroom in less than a second.  The body buzz hits me like a mack fucking truck.  Oh shit I’m coming up—

YIBYOB-MCGOOBER-CUNT!

……..

…………………

Slowly, ever so slowly—after I spend untold eons staring into the Unnamable’s asshole—I reintegrate back into the physical world…

As Kent Wayne, sci-fi writer and accomplished he-slut, thank God!  Ain’t no Karen-energy in this big-penised Man Whore!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Has your mortal enemy neuromemetically transformed you into a finger-wagging Karen?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the dick-slip is happening, all my fellow well-endowed hole-wideners who’ve strategically placed the tip of your wiener above your waistband so it pokes out like a curious amphibian that’s emerged from the deep so it can sniff around for food and friendsh—

Oh my GOD!  Your nasty, leaky tip isn’t NEARLY as attractive as a celebrity nip, so gtfo with that dick-slip nonsense!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

It’s Free Sample Friday!

Yerbernots, GerThoppenSchlong, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the self-suck is happening, all you flexible hopefuls who’ve tried to fellate yourself and holy shit you’ve managed to get THE TIP IN YOUR MOUTH—

No dude, NO!  Haven’t you seen or smelt the nasty goopiness that comes outta that thing???  It’s like bleach mixed with snot!  GROSS!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

As I finish making love to Kathryn, the latest Soccer Mom to grace my bed, I let loose with my customary cry of coital triumph—“I’LL BE HOG WALLERED!”—and collapse onto my side.

Aaaah…not a single sperm left in my yib-yobs.  This is the life, lemme tell ya!

“Oh, Kent.”  Kathryn giggles and runs her hand up and down my yoked-ass chest.  “You say the funniest things whenever you climax.”

“I used to say, ‘Fast on your jollies!’ but it lost its shine.”  I grin over at her.  “Nonsense speak is a fine art, you know?”

She lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and shakes her head in wry amusement.  “Only you, Kent.  Only you.”

And with that compliment, backhanded though it may be, I drift off into a pleasant doze.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER…

Huh?  Whaffamuzzit?

I blink sleepily, rubbing my hand across my eyes.  Kathryn’s sitting up in bed, back rigidly straight, staring at the wall.  “What time is it?  Uh…is something wrong?”

Her shoulders shake.  Lightly at first, but then with increasing speed.  What the—

She’s giggling.

“Heh heh heh.  HEH heh heh!  Oh ho ho—MUAHAHAHA!!!”  She clutches the air and laughs maniacally.

Then she turns around and peels her face off like a Mission Impossible superspy, revealing a short blond bob and an evil, self-assured smile.

“I’d like to speak to the manager.”

Oh shit—she’s not Kathryn!  She’s a GODDAMNED KAREN!

I scoot backward on the bed, shaking my head in abject terror.  “No—NO!  STAY AWAY FROM ME!”

She crawls forward, chanting, “Manager.  Manager.  MANAGER!”  With each utterance of that hated word, my dick flinches and shrivels, until it disappears from sight and actually reverses itself:  a circular, hairy crater marks its absence.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The wall breaks inward in a scattershot crumble.  A stunningly hot lady grabs the Karen by the back of the head, shoots both hands in opposite directions, and—

KR-KR-KRACK!

—breaks her fucking neck.

“Come on, Kent.”  Soccer Mom Prime puts her hands on her hips and gives me a smile.  “You know better than to make love to a sub-par Soccer Mom.  They might be Karens in disguise, you big goof.”

My dick unclenches and emerges from its hole.  “Thank you, Soccer Mom Prime!” I blubber.  “God bless your super-hot ass!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Have you been seduced by a Karen in disguise?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited