It’s Free Sample Friday!

GlerBorgenYobben McThoobenGoobs, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the jerk-fatigue is going on, all you bored-as-hell meatbeaters who are pummeling your milkman for the fifth time in a single day, and you’re almost about to blow but you’ve lost a ton of sensitivity so now you’re sweating bullets because you refuse to give up but the only thing you can think of to send you over the edge is your finger in your unwashed butthole no good choices man game over man GAME OVER—

Cradle the balls, you unoriginal fuck!  Jesus man, take a breath and think it through—there’s a bunch of steps you can take before you ravage your own rosebud!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF KENT WAYNE’S BRAIN…

 

“Sup, Temporal Lobe?  Everything good?  Cerebellum?  Occipital?  Parietal?”

“I’m fine Frontal Lobe—thanks for asking.”

“All good on my end.”

“Doing A-OK.”

“All right.  Whew.”  I take a breath and relax.  “It’s just that—”

“We know, we know,” Precentral Gyrus says irritably.  “The Prophecy.  You’ve been moaning about it for years.”

“Well exc-yoose ME!” I snap.  “It isn’t my fault that Brain Stem foretold a hostile takeover!”

“We’ve been together for over a decade,” Gyrus responds.  “There’s no way that—”

Suddenly, the alarm starts blaring.  “UNSTOPPABLE PRESENCE DETECTED!  DEPLOY COUNTERMEASURES IMMEDIATELY!”

Wait—what?  “Unstoppable presence?”  What the fuck does that even mea—

“It’s his wiener!” Brain Stem shouts.  “HE JUST HIT PUBERTY!  IT’S TAKING OVER!!!”

A deluge of hormones washes over us, stealing our cognitive strength and sending us into a frenzied spin.  Wiener’s shutting down our capabilities and redirecting them toward its own foul ends!

Unless we do something, we are FUCKED!

So I reach deep into our memory, tapping the essence of a story called Kor’Thank and activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Our cognitive controls come back online.  Wiener immediately falls asleep.

“Holy shit,” Parietal Lobe pants.  “That thing is STRONG.” 

“It’s too strong,” I mutter fearfully.  “Like a Godzilla-sized honey badger.”

“And it’s HUGE.”  Cerebellum gapes in awe.  “It’s coiled around his ankle!”

“Thank fuck we were able to stop it.”  I take a deep, calming breath.  “Thank FUCK.”

And then I break into sobs.

Because it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.

DAMN YOU, WIENER!!!

 

Have your unbelievably powerful genitals threatened to hijack your puny brain functions?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the ass-hair is happening, my fellow old fogeys who never before had to worry about grooming your anoos but now all kinds of strange folk want to stick their tongue and fingers in and holy shit you’ve got a date but you forgot to shave GAME OVER MAN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO—

Whoa, take it easy there guy!  Two words:  asshole tattoos!  Incorporate your hairy butt into a picture of Mirkwood Forest, Biker Satan, or various other bearded figures to turn your nasty asshole into a charming piece of art!  Problem solved!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

It’s Free Sample Friday!

GorThoobenYobble PerShnickerTinkle, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the sex-armor is happening, all you lazy fucks who let your oozy goo settle on your body, waiting for it to crust up into a hardened carapace that’s capable of deflecting small arms fire, explosives, and level 3 directed-energy weapo—

NASTY!  Use some hibiclens, or at the very least some baby wipes, you unhygienic copulator!  No one wants to see you rampaging through the city covered in hardened bdussy like some pornographic monster from the deep!  Gross!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

I’m terrified by what the future might hold for us.  Pandemics.  More Jake Paul.  Super-Karens.

Which is why I’ve holed up in an apocalypse-proof bunker, biding my time until things settle down.  I pass the time by writing, exercising, and cooking up nommies.  Only three things I gotta do today:  write, exercise, and eat. 

But first things first:  MyFriendsHotMom dot com!

I click through scenes, marveling at the deluge of low-level workers who somehow hook up with super-hot milfs.  Poolboys, pizza deliverymen, plumbers…if only our society was as utopian as porn!  Glorious!

But just as I’m about to bust, my hatch explodes inward.  A stream of gun-toting SWAT guys flood in and sweep the room.  One of them screams, “He’s gonna blow!  If any of his super-sperm land on our skin, we’ll be impregnated with his rancid spawn!”

Three commandos sling their guns and rush to my wiener, squeezing it tight to keep mefrom spooging.  Christ it hurts!  Like ten pounds of pudding rolling around in my gut, trying like hell to escape my body!

“Why are you doing this?” I gasp. 

“We work for the Department of Adulting—they hate the fact that you’re relaxing and chilling when everyone else is busting their ass.  We were sent to abduct you and place you in a cubicle.”  His eyes widen in his sweat-soaked balaclava.  “Dude, this isn’t good for my mental health.  I can’t keep squeezing your enormous wiener.”

“Your MENTAL health?” I grimace in pain.  “How about my TESTICULAR health, asshole???  It feels like my sperm ducts are doing jiu jitsu!”

“What do we do?”  One of his teammates sobs quietly into his hands.  “What CAN we do?”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My wiener breaks free, whipping every which way as it sprays them down with my disgusting seed.  They scream and wail as my sperm go to work, burrowing into their orifices and infecting them with my DNA.   One by one, they drop to their knees and commit seppuku.

“What can you do?” I rise to my feet, brush myself off, and crack my neck.  “Not a goddamn thing.  I will NEVER work for your Adulting masters!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

Have the agents of Adulting come to snatch you away and stick you in a cubicle?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the were-whore is happening, all my fellow horndogs-in-hiding who dutifully resist the Call of the Whore while talking about spreadsheets and tepidly engaging in passive-aggressive snark only to lose your mind in the light of a full moon; ripping off your clothes and letting your swollen genitals flap in the wind whilst snarling and galloping on all fours and woe to those who want to smash without cocoa butter, because you aren’t stopping for nothing and NO ON—

Fuck man, get ahold of yourself!  Don’t assume your were-whore aspect willy-nilly or someone’ll split you in half with a silver dildo, +3 vs undead +5 vs were-whores!  Jesus!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

It’s Free Sample Friday!

YunDibbleShibble YerNonkerKuntz, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

It’s Free Sample Friday!

GerSnoobenYob McThorbenGobble, IT’S FREE SAMPLE FRIDAY!!!  Check out barbarian warriors, teen geniuses, and teen queens here:  Kor’Thank, and angry cyborg-shooter-soldier fellas here:  Echo.  And here’s the first few chapters of my YA fantasy series:  The Unbound Realm.  My podcast, Strained Brains, is available here:  Strained Brains

Happy Friday y’all!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited