Yet another weird ad for my novels

Oh man, I cannot believe I’m about to explore Dagobah.  Finally—after all that shit with the second Death Star, balance is restored to the motherfucking Force.  Now that it’s safe, I’m gonna tour the galaxy and take in the sights.  Tatooine, Hoth, Endor…not gonna lie, I’m a giant Luke fan-boy. 

I throttle my X-Wing, easing it onto the swampy terrain.  Pop the cockpit, climb down the ladder, then make my way toward Yoda’s hut.  I stop outside, put my hands on my hips, and study the exterior with an appreciative gaze.  Bad.  Ass.  This is where Luke trained in all the cool stuff.  Telekinesis, one-armed handstands…

My thoughts are interrupted by frantic grunts, interspersed with curses and desperate moans.  What the fuck?  I unholster my blaster and start creeping forward.  Who the fuck is inside that hut? 

I part the vine-draped entrance with the muzzle of my blaster, hunkering down to accommodate the low-built ceiling.  As I round the corner, I spot a robed figure crouched on his haunches, pumping away like a horned-up monkey.  He’s saying something about Lannisters…

“Hey!” I yell.  “What the fuck are you DOING?”

As the guy falls backward, his dick plops out of a hole in the melon.  Cinnamon buns are glued onto either side, and a winking smiley-face is drawn onto its surface.  My mind goes blank, stunned by the depravity unfolding before me.  It takes a couple of seconds to realize…

“LUKE?”  My mouth drops open.

The Jedi master yanks up his pants.  “Never go full Lannister!  I mean…who are you?  What are you doing here?”

My eyes drift over to the desecrated melon.  Cinnamon buns, smiley face….

Oh no.  GROSS.

“You…”  I look at the melon in disbelief, then back at Luke.  “Leia…”  I shake my head, disgusted and shocked.

“No!” he protests.  “We kissed on the Death Star—that was it!  NEVER go full Lannister!”  A second later, his expression hardens.  “I can’t let you live.”  He reaches out with a hand, cutting off my air with his Force-trained mind.

“HKKK…”  My blaster tumbles from my weakening grasp.  Black walls begin closing in, hazing the edges of my sight with impending oblivion.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its hidden reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Space-time wrinkles, forming a radiant eddy off to my left.  Mace Windu steps out from its locus, staring incredulously at me, Luke, and the Leia-melon.

“HEY!” he yells.  “Get yo’ melon-fucking mind off this GODDAMN BYSTANDER!” 

Luke releases me and I drop to the floor, gasping and clutching at my ravaged neck.  “Mace!”  He raises both hands, palms out.  “I can explain!  Just—”

“I told you before,” Mace growls.  “I don’t give a shit about the alien titties, but you keep on with this incestuous melon-fucking, and I will go Old Republic on yo’ sister-kissing ass.”

“Last time!” Luke blurts.  “I swear!”

“It better be.”  Mace’s eyes widen into his trademark glare.  “Come on.”  He jerks his head at me.  “Time to vamoose.”

As I follow behind Mace, he spares the hut a disgusted glance.  “Melon-fucking sister-kisser.”

 

Have you incurred the wrath of a Jedi pervert?  Never fear!  Buy my books and escape his clutches!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommuni

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the two-hander is going on, all you porn-brained deviants who’ve watched too many fuck videos and are now convinced that a blow-jay has to be both fists stacked atop each other plus the mouth but your puny gerbil-dick fails to meet the requirement so you spend several hours every day punching the heavy bag while ugly-crying harder than Will Ferrell, after which you go out and buy a dozen kitted-out guns, a Ferrari, and a giant truck to make up for your shortcomings but none of it helps so you grab a wakizashi and prepare to commit seppu—

DON’T DO IT!  Come on, man—just because your wiener is on par with a long skin tag or a wobbly baby tooth doesn’t mean you can’t do oral! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀


Yet another weird ad for my novels

I stuff a handful of shrooms into my gob.  Nompf omf momf and—

GALUMPH!

—here we go!

———

The world resolves into a cliff-dotted range of grass-coated rocks.  Off in the distance, lively waterfalls hiss and sputter.  What the hoozis?  Must have hop-skipped into another dimension.

Suddenly, I hear rapid clapping and slimy gulping, coming from somewhere off to my left.  Nice—someone’s close by.  Hopefully, whoever that is can help me out. 

I start making my way through a deep gully, bordered by sheer walls of damp stone.  Don’t know where I am, but the scenery’s pretty.  I just hope there aren’t any monsters, like sandworms or exogorths or—

I round a corner and my mouth drops open.  Ho.  Lee.  Shit.

Sam and Frodo are spit-roasting Gollum, pumping away with their stout Hobbit dicks.  Frodo’s got back, Sam’s got front. 

(Fucking knew it!)

I shuffle backward, intent on leaving with no one the wiser, but Sam spots me and shouts, “OY!”  As he pulls out, Gollum glances at me, and Sam finishes right in his eyes. 

“IT BURRRNNNNSSSS!!!”  Smeagol crooks his arms and wails at the sky. 

Sam shouts, “Get him Mr. Frodo!  If Rosie finds out, she’ll be cock-stomping mad!” 

I turn around to beat a hasty retreat, but Sam grabs a spud out of their stewpot, screams, “PO-TAY-TOES!” and slings it as hard as he can, hitting me in the side of my right knee.  (Fuck!  Forgot they can throw rocks like nobody’s business!)  My foot goes numb, I stumble to the ground, then scoot frantically away on my hands and my butt. 

“Don’t!”  I show them my palms as they back me against a gully wall.  (Jesus Christ, Gollum is HUNG!  Who would have thought?)

“We can’t let you live,” Sam hisses.  “You know too much.”

“What the fuck, man?  I have nothing against gay people, buttplay, or—”

“Watch him, Mr. Frodo!  I’m going to get a knife!”  Sam goes running toward their campsite. 

Frodo stares at me with those creepy big eyes.  “If Gandalf finds out, he will turn against us.”

“GANDALF?!?” I sputter.  “Maybe you haven’t read the news, but he’s the LAST person you should be concerned about!  Look—hook up with whoever you want, as long as you’re not hurting anybody!”  My eyes flick over to Gollum.  “It’s just…”

“What?” Frodo prods.

“Standards, maybe?”  I hiss through my teeth and give him an awkward, questioning look.  “I know you’ve been on the road, but—”

“I’ve got it, Mr. Frodo!”  Sam tromps back, knife in hand.  “Let’s cut him up and throw in the stew!”

Fuck.  THIS.  Ain’t no way I’m getting eaten by the Middle Earth version of cannibalistic rednecks.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“What devilry is this?”  Arwen comes running over, looking angrily from Hobbit to Hobbit.  “Why are you harrying this handsome wanderer?”

The Hobbits exchange a nervous look.  Sam says, “Ah…I…”

“Away with you!”  She flaps a disgusted hand.  “And for Ilúvatar’s sake, put on some clothes!” 

As the Hobbits go scrambling off, she reaches down and helps me up.  “Never once, in all my years on Middle Earth, did I think that Gollum bore such fleshly might.”

“I know, right?”  I dust off my thighs.  “Guy’s packing a .50 cal barrett.”

She gives me a once-over, curling a lock of hair behind her ear.  “Judging by the bulge on thy inner leg, you are just as blessed as Smeagol Trahald.”

“I’m flattered,” I chuckle.  “But I got a thing for super-hot soccer moms.  You check off the first box, but—”

“As of today, I am two thousand, nine hundred and one years old.”

My jaw drops.  “You…uh…”  Then I clear my throat and regain my composure.  “Well let’s get to fucking!  Hot damn!”

And so my entry into Middle Earth concluded with another joyous entry:  into the Elven equivalent of a blazing hot soccer mom.  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have a trio of Hobbits decided to throw you in their stew because you accidentally saw them fucking up a storm?  Never fear!  Buy my books and escape their wrath!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the cum-blindness is happening, all you adventurous deviants who’ve watched too many porns and now you and your partner have agreed that a cumshot would be cool, but when you unload in their face it goes in their eyes and triggers a deep, wordless rage that causes them to sputter and hack like a zombie from 28 Days Later, now you’re ducking and weaving as they snarl and gnash, leaving you no choice but to employ your deadly Muay Thai, but as you throw teeps and crosses and crisp snappy jabs, they tap into a panoply of Bloodsport-inspired powers, spiting your Bolo Yeung cumshot with slow-motion blocks and a devastating series of balletic splits jump-kicks—

Run, motherfucker, RUN!  You can’t fight a cum-zombie who throws Jean Claude splits-kicks!  Goddamn!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀


Yet another weird ad for my novels

Nothing beats an afternoon nap.  Stretch my arms overhead, big ol’ yawn, and—

Directly above me, a bleached asshole spasms and dilates.

“What the—NO!”  I scrabble downward just in time.  As Amber Heard expels a foot-long dook, I fall off the bed in a tangle of sheets.  Craggy shit steams from my pillow, marking the spot where I lay a second prior.

She yanks up her pants and gives me a raspberry.  Two quick strides, then she dives through my window and rolls onto the lawn.  I run to the window and yell, “What the FUCK?!?!?!” 

Before she can answer, funnels of smoke pour from her ears.  She jigs in place, flailing and twitching, then collapses on my lawn in a crumpled heap. 

Holy shit!  A robot!

I sprint out my door and onto the lawn, crouching beside her as electric bolts fritz across her skin.  “Who sent you?” I demand, shaking her by the arms.  “WHO?”

She opens her mouth wide, projecting a wide blue cone of holographic light.  A dick-like head blinks into existence, mocking me with a sinister grin.

“Hello, Kent.”

“Bezos!” I gasp.  “You’re sending evil robots to shit on peoples’ beds?  Why?”

Jeff shrugs.  “Went to space, saved some whales…only so much I can do before I get bored.” 

“You won’t get away with this!” I sputter.  “As Batman is my witness, I swear I’ll—”

“Yeah?” he sneers.  “What are you gonna do, writer-boy?  I command an army of beautiful shit-robots—the newest models are ten times hotter, ten times shittier!  No one escapes my shit-tinged wrath—NO ONE!”  He slashes the air with an angry backhand, his features twisting with lunatic rage.

“We’ll see about that,” I hiss.  Then I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, tapping into its reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash.

———

“What the—” Bezos looks around, stunned and surprised.  “How’d you teleport me into the back of a cop car?”

“Don’t know and don’t care.  All that matters is that you can’t get out.”  I reach over to the console and crank up the heat.

He laughs disbelievingly.  “You think uncomfortably high temperatures will break my will?”

“That’s only part of it,” I reply, lifting a buttcheek and silently releasing a hissy fart.  “You wanna sic shit-robots on the innocent masses?  Reap what you sow, asshole, reap what you sow.”  Then I pause and cock my head.  “Smells like bread, doesn’t it?”  (People love the smell of fresh-baked bread—it’s the perfect way to ambush ’em with farts).

Bezos takes a reflexive sniff.  “Bread?  What are you—”  Then it hits.  As he breaks into a series of violent coughs, necrotic black veins crawl across his skin.  “You FUCKER!”  He lays on the seat and tries to kick out the window, but it ain’t gonna happen—the glass is reinforced.  “Oh God, the heat makes it so much worse!  I can’t—”  He stops talking, wracked by another fit of savage coughs.

“Please!” he gasps, slamming up against the grill between the front and back seats.  The vessels in his eyes start to burst, speckling the whites with hellish red.  “PLEASE!”

“Oh, look.”  I nod at the filthy brown cloud formed from my gasses.  “You’re in for a treat—this only happens with omega-level breakup farts.  The forecast for today is melted faces and death-ravaged bones.”

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

As the rain begins to fall, skin sloughs off Bezos’s frame, congealing into a gory puddle across the back seats.  Pretty soon, all that’s left is a hollow-eyed skeleton.

That’s what you get for shitting on my bed!  Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

 

Has a ruthless billionaire sicced a beautiful shit-robot on you, interrupting your sleep with a winking brown-eye?  Never fear!  Buy my books and claim your vengeance!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

Check out my high school absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl! (Yes, I know “absurdical” is a made up word)

Idiot demon-jocks, tons of profanity, copious psychedelics, and an airborne kiss at 300 mph, hanging from the back of a mushroom-shaped mecha!  All this and more in my comedy/horror/sci-fi absurdical, Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl!  #WritingCommunity

Check it out here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited 

Give my books a read and a review!

What the anus-magic is happening, all you weak-minded fools who’re extracting the beads one by one, but then that dog-like reflex to pull instead of dig grabs a hold of you and you start going hand over hand, faster and faster, and you think this is really neat it’s like the endless handkerchief magicians use on stage wow how many of these can you fit in your bum suddenly your partner lets loose with a howl of anguished protest and you think dear God in heaven what HAVE I DONE right before their desecrated butthole goes SPLOO—

What the hell, man!  You’re defusing a bomb, not playing a game of motherfucking tug-of-war!  No butthole will trust you ever again!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀

Yet another weird ad for my novels

“Next!”

The guy in front of me shuffles away, sobbing quietly while clutching a “Welcome to Hell” booklet.  Satan looks up from his desk and gives me a disinterested once-over.

“Kent Wayne, right?”  He licks his thumb, then pages through a sheaf of papers.  “Let’s see…”

“This is a mistake!” I wail.  “How the fuck did I end up HERE?  Come on, man!”

His brow furrows as he examines my file.  “Got a lot of complaints from multiple Karens…”

“That should work in my favor!” I argue. 

“You’re right,” he cedes.  “Those are bonus points.”  He continues scanning my earthly deeds.

I point at a page, filled with water emojis next to graphic pictures of my sexual exploits.  “See those orgasms?  I serviced a veritable army of horned up soccer moms!” 

“Yeah,” he cedes.  “Those are bonus points too…don’t really see why—aha!  Here we go.”  He waves a page in front of my face.  “You were blessed with the ability to write a story.”

“So?”

He points at a chart on the middle of the page.  “Look here:  time spent writing versus time spent jerking your dick.  The disparity is enormous.  It says here…”  He flips the page and studies the data.  “You could have ushered in the Age of Aquarius, had you not spent countless hours on myfriendshotmom dot com.”

“They have the best production value!” I protest.  “A perfect mix between POV, full-frontal doggy, and—”

“I’m sorry, Kent.  This is where you belong.”  He closes my file and thumps it with a big red stamp that leaves the phrase YOU’RE FUCKED emblazoned on the cover. 

“Next!”

———

First stop is the infernal mess hall.  I follow the others into a regular-looking dining room and take a seat.  Huh…this doesn’t seem so bad…

That changes when the waiter takes my order.  “What kind of dick would you like to eat?”

I cock my head, puzzled.  “You’re giving me a choice?”

He gives a shrug.  “It’s gonna be raw and uncooked, but yeah, you get a choice.  Bull dick, horse dick, elephant dick…what’ll it be?”

Ha!  They left me a loophole!  If I’m gonna eat dick, it’s gonna be the smallest possible one.  “Gerbil dick!” I proclaim triumphantly.  “Bring on the gerbil dick!”

“Okey doke.”  The waiter scribbles my order down and walks away.

Minutes later, he returns with a giant bowl the size of a sofa cushion.  He plunks it down and removes the cover, revealing a mounded pile of severed gerbil dicks.  “There you go.  Gerbil dick.  Eat it all or we’ll use your balls as a goddamn speedbag.”

I stare unbelievingly at the heap of dicks, then turn my hands up and scream at the sky. 

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

———

After I finish my bowl of dicks, I shuffle off to the bathroom, hanging my head in utter dejection.  Is that what I’m eating every night?  Fuck my life.  Oh well, at least I get to shit in peace.  I pick a stall, drop trou, and stare at the floor.

Not one second later, the door bangs open.  Steven Seagal walks a couple feet forward, unzips his pants, and pulls out his wiener.

“Whoa!” I exclaim.  “I am NOT gonna suck that!”

“Not why I’m here,” he deadpans.  “I’m gonna piss between your legs into the toilet.  You move the wrong way or poop too hard, and you’re gonna get splashed by some Eau de Steven.”

“No!” I shout.  “NO!  You’re holding me hostage with your goddamn piss?  During the one activity that brings me peace???”

“That’s the idea.”  He starts peeing into the toilet. 

Fuck.  THIS.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion potential.  Magic flash.

As globs of smegma pour off my wiener, I snatch up a handful and throw it into his mug.  He stumbles away screaming with half his face melted completely off, like a horror-movie version of the T-800. 

Satan appears in a cloud of brimstone, demanding, “JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HE—” before spotting the yellow-gray smegma dripping from my fingers. 

“Whoa.”  He raises both hands, palms out.  In less than a second, his demeanor changes from angry to terrified.  “Whoa, Kent.  Take it easy.  Don’t be a hero.”

“You’re sending me back,” I hiss.  “Or I burn your face off your motherfucking skull.”

Uncertainty flashes through his eyes.  “Uh…well…I don’t know if…”

I take a step toward him, hefting the concentrated evil in my hand.  “Face it is.”

“DON’T!” he screeches.  “Fine fine—we’ll let you go!” 

He snaps his fingers, causing reality to fragment and reconfigure.  I’m hit by an overwhelming twist of nausea, then…

Hot damn!  I’m back in my condo!

I take a seat at my desk and open Microsoft Word.  Gotta start writing, before they make me eat another bowl of dicks.  Then I’m struck by a flash of curiosity. 

I wonder…who’s on the latest episode of myfriendshotmom dot com…

One peek.  Just one little peek.  HEH heh heh!

😀

 

Has Satan made you eat a bowl of dicks, then sicced a piss-happy Seagal on you while you’re taking a shit?  Never fear!  Buy my books and escape his wrath!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

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