Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

My name’s Kent Wayne:  Eleven-Year-Old Extraordinaire.  President of the Chess Club, Commissioner of Hallway Monitors, and Regional Spelling Bee Champion.

I run my school, in other words.

But this is sixth grade—elementary-grade rules no longer apply.  Puberty has reared its ugly head, striking ninety percent of the student body.  Wouldn’t be a problem if everyone’s pituitary was on the same page, but unfortunately, that’s not the case.  True to stereotype, the most potent growth spurts have favored the least deserving:  upper middle-class, small-minded jocks who think that might makes right.  They’ll enjoy life for the next decade or so, but once they’re chained to a soul-killing job, rebellious brats, and a milfy wife that centers her existence around personal trainer side-dick, those very same jocks will beg for Ragnarok.

But ten years is too fucking long.  I can’t let primitive douchetards run amuck, dammit.  To that end, I’ve scheduled a planning session with my trusted lieutenant:  Maximoff Harkins (real name Timmy Powolski, but I’ve always wanted to work with an Alfred Pennyworth analogue).

I walk into the science classroom and flap a hand at its only inhabitant:  Mr. Jensen.  “Leave us.”

Jensen knows the score.  He taps a sheaf of papers on the desk, then gets up and leaves.

I plunk down in his chair and kick my feet up.  My fingers steeple beneath my chin.  “Harkins, we have a problem.  Fucking Jace Miller has assumed the mantle of Head Jock in Charge.  Might as well call him Chief Tormentor, because he’s making everyone’s life a living—”

A loud bang.  I bolt up from my seat, just in time to glimpse Jace as he kicks the door open.  As it swings back toward him, he checks it with his shoulder and strides in, trailed by a quartet of brainless minions.

“Well well well.  Look who it is:  Kent Wayne, the supposed king of sixth fucking grade.  Gimme your lunch money, nerd.”

I clench my teeth.  “Not a chance, dickbag.”  I throw a glance at Harkins.  “Get out of here.  You weren’t trained for this.”  He looks torn, but when I throw him a wink, he realizes I’ve got something up my sleeve.  He reluctantly slips out of the room.

Jace smacks his fist against his palm.  “Money or wedgie.  Your choice, geek.”

I roll my eyes.  “God, you’re a walking caricature.  Haven’t you seen a John Hughes movie?  At least try and be original, won’t you?”

He looks puzzled for a second, then reassumes his disdainful sneer.  “Enough with the fancy science talk.  Pay up, Wayne.  In money or noogies.”

“A John Hughes reference isn’t ‘science talk.’  It’s a pop culture—”

“RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”  Jace and his minions charge toward me, reeking of BO and mob mentality.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Cabled muscle erupts across me, and I grow several inches in the span of a second.  My wiener grows thick and veiny, tickling the top of my kneecap with its substantive head.  My pendulous balls fill with sperm, swelling my sack until it resembles something akin to an exposed cat brain.  This is my body when I’m a thirty-something adult, I realize; when I’ve entered my prime and laid claim to my destiny.

Kent Wayne.  Man Whore and author, at your service.

“Jace, are you ready to go ho—”  Jace Miller’s hot-ass mom, Stephanie, walks in and stops short.  Her eyes wander up and down my hirsute body, growing to the size of friggin’ dinner plates when she spots my wiener poking out from my shorts.

“COME HERE, MAN WHORE!”  She sprints into my arms and we begin making out like horny high schoolers.  All moan-y and super slobber-y.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Jace’s expression.  His lower lip trembles as he realizes what’s happening.

“Mom?  MOM????”

He drops to his knees, clutching the air like Vader at the end of the third shitty prequel.  “NOOOOOOO!!!!”

Music to my ears!  HEH heh heh!

😀

 

 

Are you a beleaguered middle-schooler who desperately needs to smack down the resident alpha-jock?  Never fear!

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

After I suffered a heart-attack-by-orgasm (BEST way to die, HEH heh heh!) and ditched my human meat body, I reincarnated as a Labrador puppy.  Right now I’m zoomin’ and chewin’, humping up a storm.  GodDAMN is it good to be a canine!

Hump the owner’s leg!  Ha HA!  Hump the neighbor’s cat!  Ho HO!  Lick all my gross-holes!  Nyahaha!

“KENT WAYNE!  GET YOUR FURRY ASS OVER HERE!” my owner screams.

Not on your hairless LIFE, human!  Gonna insert my disgusting, lipstick-looking wiener into a hundred more orifices, then—

“We have him surrounded!  Box him in and bite the crap out of him!”

Oh no!  I look wildly around; the neighborhood chihuahua gang has sprung an ambush!  They’re gonna fuck me up with their small dog fury!

So I reach deep into my past life mind and tap the sci fi epic called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My owner’s cup of kickass Go Juice floats toward me, its logo glowing with otherworldly power (in my later years, I would learn to associate this logo with the sound STAHR-BUKKS).  Angelic voices rise in the background, filling the air with ecstatic melody.  I tilt my doggy head back and open my little maw.

Galumph GALUMPH GALUMPH!

So THIS is what they call “coffee!”  Ye GODS!

My nubby little paws fly into a frenzy, beating the balls off my chihuahua foes.  They flee like the not-dogs they are, yelping and crying for their Cat friends.  Ha!  I knew they were aligned with those feline fuck-faces!  Labradors Eternus!

Ha HA!  😀

Have you taken an oath to protect Dog and all that is Dog, against all enemies feline and chihuahua?  Never fear!

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

One beer, two beer, three beer, four beer…

DEVIANCE ENSUES!

 

 

Huh?  What the fuck?  Last thing I remember was chugging beers with a gang of rowdy soccer moms, screaming at me to whip it out and twirl it over my head like a fleshy lasso, but then I started drinking, and…

“Murrrgh…”  I clutch my head and squint through my fingers, looking around slowly so as not to exacerbate my aching brain.

The harsh light of a naked bulb floods the room.  My legs are bound to a chair, which is bolted to the floor in front of a plain, steely table.  I’m in an interrogation room.

“SCUMBAG!”  The door swings open and bangs against the wall.  A pencil-necked Beta Male strides angrily into the room, slamming both hands against the table.  “STEALING ALL THE WOMEN THROUGH THE USE OF YOUR ANKLE-LENGTH WOMB-HAMMER!  HOW DARE YOU!!!”

“Hey pal, it’s not all sunshine and roses for me,” I snap.  “Do you have any idea how much I have to hydrate to produce semen by the gallon on a daily basis?  I spend a goddamn fortune on Gatorade!”

“Well you’ll be glad to know we’re gonna relieve you of your problem.”  The Beta Male draws a wicked, back-curving knife from a thigh-strapped sheath.  “Your obscenely large wiener will make an excellent prosthetic.”

“AAAHHH!!!  NO!  FUCK YOU!”  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A fistful of protein powder materializes in my hand.  I fling it into the Beta Male’s face, and he immediately bursts into flames, writhing and screaming like Harvey Dent in the Dark Knight.  His knife lands within reach and I snatch it up, sawing quickly through my bindings.

Kent Wayne escapes again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Have you been spirited away into a jealous Hater’s dungeon of Hate?  Never fear!!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Where am I?  Last thing I remember was my family gathering ’round, ready to pull my plug after a long battle with terminal illness…

“Use the Force, Luke.”

I look to my right and gape in astonishment.  It’s Obi Wan Kenobi, in astral form!  I look down at my transparent, light-infused body and my eyes widen a notch further.  Oh shit—I’M in astral form!  We’re racing alongside Luke’s X-wing, free from the bounds of time and space.  My death on Earth must have launched me into this immaterial realm.

“Hey man,” I grin at Kenobi and extend my hand.  “Huge fan.  This part is so clutch; whenever I was a kid I’d get up and cheer as Luke—”

“Not now, imbecile.”  Obi Wan throws me an irritated glance as our thought-forms flit through space, tracking side-by-side with Luke’s starfighter.  “Don’t you dare fuck this up for me—I’ve been coaching this Tattooine redneck for the last several months, trying to get him to sack the hell up.  You wouldn’t even be here if not for a cosmic glitch.  I’ll send you on your way soon enough.”

Luke shoots his proton torpedoes and they slip into the exhaust vent.  Obi Wan pumps his fist.  “YES!  Eat my ass, Darkside cockbiters!”  Then he turns to me.  “Now it’s your turn.  Gonna send you to the lowest hell in the Dyriddian Hierarchy.”

“No, wait!”  I hold both hands out.  “You forgot one crucial thing!  If you don’t—”

SEEYA, smell-scrote!”  He gives me the finger, and I go spiraling into the acausal reaches.

“FUUUUUUUUCK!”  Countless realms swirl by, enveloping me in a blast of nonsensical concepts.  If I don’t do something soon, I’m gonna be sitting on a thorny demon cock for the rest of eternity.

So I reach in my mind, tapping the concept for an epic sci-fi novel called Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The reach of my psyche expands across the multiverse.  For a single, exhilarating instant, I’m spread across the entirety of existence.

I have to do this now, before the entire Star Wars saga gets irreparably fucked.

“LUKE!” I holler.  “LEIA’S YOUR SISTER!  DON’T FUCK YOUR SISTER!”

I can feel his subconscious taking in this oh-so-important piece of information.  When the time comes, his cock will stay where it rightfully belongs:  in his goddamn pants.  Whew!  You’re welcome.

As for me, I ain’t gonna spend the rest of my days in some bunk-ass hell.  Nah, bitch, Imma head over to the Enchanted Booty Forest!  Elven Soccer Moms, here I come!

😀

 

 

Are you the last line of defense against the Star Wars franchise becoming even more fucked than it already is?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, 4, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99!

By the pimple-free taint!!!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 234, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition!  Hold off on writing your post-apocalypse dystopia, replete with four-armed cannibals and dickburgers with cheese, and go tell everybody!  WHOOO!!!

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.

Today is the LAST day that Echo 2, 3, 4, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99!

By the Predator-mouthed vajeen!!!  Today is the LAST day that Echo 234, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99!  Stop contemplating the deep and unshakable horror of burping up sperm (I wanna hear “sperm-burper” used in a comedic context somewhere, dammit) and go tell everybody!  WHOOO!!!

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.

Echo 2, 3, 4, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99 for today and tomorrow!

By the fiery-feeling frenulum that inspires a panicked doctor’s visit!!!  Echo 234, and Echo 1 & 2 Combined Edition are $0.99 for today and tomorrow!  Quit arranging your lawn gnomes into jaw-droppingly original pornographic poses, and go tell everybody!  WHOOO!!!

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

I’ll be posting a variant of this ad in the morning and afternoon until the sale ends on November 22.  Apologies if it gets repetitive.