Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“Is that IT?” Taylor Swift throws her head back and laughs raucously.  “Pathetic!  You only gave me a dozen orgasms, Kent!  You’ll never be anything more than a second-rate man whore!  Take this fistful of crumpled ones and get the fuck out of here!  AHAHAHA!!!”  She throws a wad of dirty cash at my tear-streaked face.

“You’ll see!” I cry as I bundle up my clothes and try (unsuccessfully) to hold back my tears.  “Someday I’ll be rich and powerful!  You’ll regret treating me like this, Taylor!”

“The fuck did you say?”  She bolts up from the bed and fixes me with a glare.

“Aaah!  Nothing!”  I let out a terror-fart and try to flee, but she blurs in front of me and grabs me by the throat, lifting me off the floor.  Damn her pop princess black magic powers!

“Gllk…please!” I gasp, clawing at my throat.  “Can’t…breathe…”

Her eyes glow red with devilish malice.  Her lips widen into a predatory smile.  Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Soccer Mom Prime comes busting through the wall, chopping the air with both hands and sprinting forward like the T-1000.  Taylor turns around and manages a quick “What the—” before SMP launches into the air like a Neo with boobs, flashing a triple kick into Taylor’s throat.  The alpha mom lands, kung-fu backsweeps Taylor off her feet, and snaps her neck as soon as she her back hits the deck.

“Well.”  Soccer Mom Prime claps the dust off her hands.  “That’s the end of that.”  She gives me an appraising once-over.  “Come on, get that wiener out so we can pound one out.  SUVs this way.”  She strides toward her double-parked Ford Expedition.

I dust myself off and follow in her footsteps.  Soccer Mom lovin’—OH yeah!

😀

 

 

Has your pop idol finally gotten tired of you, and no longer gives your beautiful genitals the respect and courtesy they friggin’ deserve?  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Only a few more weeks until Halloween  In most cases, that means a bunch of horned-up doofuses getting blackout drunk, throwing on some OMG-I’m-so-crazy-let’s-fuck-like-spastics costumes and dancing badly to some top 40s singles, but every so often, it involves a truly terrifying brush with horror…

 

 

Hallo-fucking-ween.  Fuck.

FUCK.

For the vast majority, it’s a once-in-a-year opportunity to act the fool and mash genitals with a desperate rando, but for your favorite author and perennial Man Whore (me, Kent Wayne, in other words), it’s utter fucking hell.  My soccer mom lovers lose all interest in me; they’re locked firmly into Good Mother mode, so they can shepherd their kids through a dizzying maze of high fructose corn syrup, artificial coloring, and suspect preservatives.

Anyways, October 31 is when I fully embrace Grumpy as Fuck, Old Man Kent.  I stay at home, sitting on my front porch rocking chair, shaking my fist at teenage delinquents and snarling old-timey phrases (“Dad-blasted whippersnappers!”  “Cork-eating nimbertops!”  As well as the occasional:  “I fucked your mom!”  HEH heh heh!  That one always messes with em cause it’s usually true).  When I get tired of screwing with the young’uns, I go inside and write.  That’s what I’m doing right now.

Clickity clickity clack.  Words flow from my brain to my fingers, painting the page with bold streaks of concepts and narrative.  Suddenly, the lights dim and fritz.  My house goes dark.

“What the…”  I rise from my chair, feeling tentatively around with extended arms.

An evil, reedy voice cuts through the dark:  “Heh heh heh!  HEH heh heh!  It’s me, Kent—Grammar Nazi Prime.  I’m gonna turn your manuscript into a dead, soulless piece of crap, full of oxford commas and played-out adjectives.  You are FUCKED.”

Tears stream down from my face as I inadvertently shit myself.  “STAY AWAY FROM ME, MONSTER!”

No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My grapefruit-sized nuts plop out from my pants and shine with dazzling, soul-stirring brilliance.  They light the room with shining spears of rainbow light, bringing Grammar Nazi Prime’s shadowy, spindly form into clear relief.  He recoils and screams.

“AAAAHHH!!!” he cries.  “EARTH’S PRIMARY LOCUS OF CREATIVITY AND TESTOSTERONE!  NOT FAIR, KENT!  NOT FAAAAIIIIIRRRRR!!!”

And then he disappears in a flutter of bats.  Whew!

Saved by my bulbous, pendulous nuts!  Fuck off, forces of darkness!

😀

 

 

Are you trying to spend Halloween in peace and quiet, but grammar-obsessed nitwits insist on picking at your goddamn manuscript?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

One sentence—that’s all I need.  Half the time, I start my writing sessions with whatever rando combination of words come to mind.  Let’s reach in the ol’ Kent Wayne brain and—

Der-boobies-look-better-when-you-coat-them-in-oil-especially-after-they-get-pressed-together-so-I-can—

—WHOA!  Not what I was looking for!  I need story ideas for books, dammit, not Brazzers scenes!  I screw up my face, squinching my eyes shut.  My tongue slips out without my intending it as I strain my noggin, trying with all my freakin’ might to conjure up a viable story idea.

HNNNNGH!

Nothing.  Sigh.

So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Ernest Hemingway bursts through my wall like the frickin’ Kool Aid guy, dressed in pointy elf-shoes and a strongman onesie.  He lifts an oversized bottle of whiskey to his lips, takes several giant chugs—galumph Galumph GALUMPH—and wipes his mouth with his coarse-haired wrist.

“AAAAH!” he exclaims.  “Best breakfast EVER!”

Then he uppercuts me right in the stomach.  I bend over and my eyes bug out—WHOOF—and he shoves a handful of magic mushrooms into my surprised mug.

“Get that down yer gander, you whissy-slipped dunderfop, you!”

I flinch back and protect my face.  “Don’t hit me!” I squeal.  “Your knuckles are extra hairy—for some reason, it makes your punches worse!”

He puts both hands on his hips and roars with laughter.  “The power of Old Timeyness!” he cackles.  “Now tell me if those fungi didn’t do the trick—I’ll eat my hat if they didn’t!”

I slowly straighten, my eyes widening as starfighters, Penis Dragons, and hot ass Soccer Moms drift through the air in winged SUVs.

“Whoa,” I whisper.  “Yeah…yeah I think it did.”

“Knew it would!”  He slaps on a leather World War I fighter ace aviator helmet (complete with a pair of oversized goggles), bends both arms at the elbows, and squats like he’s about to take a shit.  A 1950s, Rocketeer-style jetpack materializes on his back and he blasts off into the sky, calling me milksop, mollycoddle, nincompoop, and all kinds of other old-timey insults we should definitely bring back.

But none of that matters.  Got an idea for my story, and it’s got soccer moms in it!  Ha HA!

😀

 

Do you need a creative boost from a whiskey-swilling, pipe-smoking, onesie-wearing Man among Men?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

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Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“SACRILIEGE!” Beta Male Prime cries from atop his tofu throne.  He points his scepter at me and screams, “HIS GENITALS ARE FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL!  FEED HIM TO THE DICK-WORMS!”

“NO!”  I writhe helplessly in the grips of his testosterone-deprived lieutenants.  “KEEP YOUR DAMN DIRTY DICK-WORMS AWAY FROM MY DAMN DIRTY DICK!”

(Might’ve come out wrong, but you get the gist.  I wipe beneath the head every time I shower—I swear!)

My pleas fall on deaf ears.  An army of nutless fucksticks envelop me in a sea of toneless limbs.  I thrash and buck but to no avail; there’s too damn many of ’em.

So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!”  Chuck Norris—dressed in nothing but his black belt, denim speedos, and a knee-length Odin-beard—busts into the chamber and starts doing squats with several hundred roundhouse kicks thrown in every few seconds.  Meat-scented pheromones fill the throne room, flooding the Beta Males’ lungs with an unbearable blast of Eighties Macho.  As “Eye of the Tiger” rings through the air, my captors clutch their necks and drop to their knees, their eyes bugging from their goddamn sockets.

A second later, after they’ve all died, Chuck puts his hands on his hips and looks me square in the eye.

“Say, Kent…do you wanna—”

“No, Chuck.”  I shade my eyes with a thumb and forefinger, embarrassed and exasperated at the same time.  “I do NOT want to get naked and do concentration curls with you while we stare at ourselves in a full-length mirror.”

“Suit yerself,” he mutters.  “Commie pussy.”

 

 

Are you in need of a flame-jump driven, 1980s, action-star save?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

“This is our only option.”  Yoga Mom Prime grabs my cheeks, mashes my lips with a desperate kiss, then turns away and strides toward the overheated quantum space-fold engine.

“No!’ I scream, stretching a hand out.  “There’s another way—there has to be!”

She looks over her shoulder and throws me a faint smile.  “Your wiener was incredible, Kent.  Your lovemaking skills are nothing short of epic.”  Her nose crinkles.  “Your hygiene, though…” she shakes her head and her smile returns.  “But never mind all that.  Goodbye, Kent.”  She turns away and continues walking.

Tears leak down my cheeks.  I can’t believe she’s gonna sacrifice herself.  If there was only some way to save her and the rest of the Earth…

And then it comes to me.  There’s still a way.  I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A blazing nexus of energy forms in front of me, materializing into the interdimensional beauty known as Soccer Mom Prime.  She grabs Yoga Mom Prime by the shoulder and yanks her back from the sparking engine.

“We need to have a threesome with Kent Wayne—NOW!  The resulting orgasms will counteract the engine and force reality back into its original shape!  Quick—hop onto his award-winning, upcurved wiener and make out with me!”

Yoga Mom Prime responds with a quick nod.  “Let’s do it!”

I’m still crying, but for a different reason this time:  out of pure effin’ joy.  Hot DAMN!

😀

Has your lover volunteered to bravely sacrifice themselves, leaving your genitals dry, untended, and screaming for attention?  Never fear!

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Time to punch out.  Grab the wallet, the phone, hoodie…hop in the car, start the engine…ok, let’s plug the jack into my phone and fire up a podcast…

Wait—this isn’t my phone.  What the…

Oh no—I’ve taken Susie Wellington’s phone by mistake!  I spin the wheel, taking the next exit, then another one so I can head back up the freeway.  I never lock my phone!  Gotta make it back before she can—

It’s too late; I see people jumping from my office building—little black figures flailing their limbs against the twilight-dimmed horizon.  They’re plummeting to their death, screaming in horror from the unutterable evil that’s been unleashed from my phone.  As it spreads and grows, I see nearby pedestrians burst into flames or wither into mummies.  High-rise buildings break and collapse, torn asunder from the disgusting foulness pouring from my phone.

Susie’s activated my iTunes playlist and played it on speaker mode!  Jesus Christ—couldn’t you tell just by looking at it that I’ve got the world’s shittiest taste in music EVER???  FUCK!

Tears leak down my cheeks.  Snotty sobs erupt from my mouth.  My unholy playlist has triggered the apocalypse.  I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds.

No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Time rewinds.  ZzweeooZ’BOOP!  Suddenly I’m back in the office conference room, my hand hovering over Susie’s phone, the one I’d mistaken for my own in that other reality where I’d inadvertently blown apart existence into a giant swirl of death-ridden shit-stew.

And I make the right choice this time:  I snatch up my own phone and stuff it in my pocket.

NO one gets to see my vile-ass playlist!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Have you accidentally destroyed All That Is and All That Was through your damnable taste in music?  Never fear!

Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

WITHIN THE GUT OF KENT WAYNE, PROLIFIC AUTHOR AND CONSUMMATE MAN WHORE:

 

“MICROBES…ATTTAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!”

I, microbe 14673 of the 670th Gastro Intestinal Brigade, charge the fresh rush of mountain dew, special edition biscuits n’ gravy lays potato chips, accompanied by the obligatory mouthful of Elmer’s Paste (someone tell me—why the fuck is this asshole maowing down glue like a brain-addled pre-schooler?)

Legions of microbes perish in a giant wash of toxins, dissolved and deconstructed in the blink of an eye.  I’m numb to the horror; I’ve fought countless battles in this desolate hellhole.  As I slice through chain after chain of molecular poisons, one of my comrades halts in his tracks and suffers a complete breakdown.

“Get UP, motherfucker!” I snarl, booting him in the back of his plasmid ass.  “If we don’t fight off this meal, then we are well and truly fucked!”

“Look.”  He nods at the newest horror making its way through Kent Wayne’s esophagus.  “Our host-body just ate an entire pack of spicy sausages.”

“Oh my God.”  Horror washes through my mind.  “He’s gonna—”

“Shit like there’s no tomorrow,” my fellow microbe affirms.  “In the next few minutes, most of us are gonna fly out his butt and get flushed down the toilet.”

I can’t take any more of this fucking BULLSHIT!  I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT!!!

So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

 

 

WITHIN THE WRINKLES OF KENT WAYNE’S BALLSACK:

 

What the…where am I?  WHO am I?  My body is all slimy…looks like a tadpole…

“This is it, sperm!” A squad leader roars.  “Get ready to launch!  Spare no mouth, anus, or vajeen!”

I cast a dazed look around and realize I’m surrounded by dozens of sperm cells.  They all look determined as fuck; they’re wriggling like crazy, ready to jet from the glans and defile their targets.

Relief dawns as I realize I’m one of them.

Yeah, mofo!  Starching orifices is WAY better than fighting off an unending mountain of inedible shit!

😀

 

Are you a beleaguered stomach microbe looking to escape your horrible fate?  Never fear!  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜