Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the coffee-poop is happening, my fellow java enthusiasts who have enjoyed a nice cuppa joe, then suddenly gone pale as your asshole clenches like an anaconda’s death-grip, forcing you to whisper “Dear God no” before sprinting out of the room, plunking d0own on the toilet, and screaming to the point where a network of veins sprouts across your forehead and pulses with the beat of your runaway hear—

Holy fucking SHIT!  Limit your intake to two or three cups a day, you goddamn addicts!  Save your guts from an uncontrollable outflow of Unspeakable Evil!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

There once was a time when you could write freely.  When you could put forth crazy-fun stories about Elves, psychics, Gray Alien abductors, or brain-hijacking worms without people getting all up on your writerly nuts.

That time has passed.  This is 2020.

Plague.  Riots.  Murder hornets.

And now?

Writing snobs.

Not just Grammar Nazis—I’m talking about all kinds of finger-wagging wrist-slappers, ready to jump in your shit ’cos you’ve broken the Rules.  Passive Voice Assholes.  Emo-poets.  Most English professors.

From my experience, they’re all men with extraordinary small wieners (you can tell by the simmering rage in their expressions) and unsightly dad-bods.  Men who are too uptight to connect with that divine creative spark, and resort to sniping at those who can.

Only in 2020, the sniping is literal.

I run across the frozen ground, flinching as rounds snaps by, cracking against trees or digging into the earth.  Drones let loose with miniature missiles, ringing me in with plumes of fire that erupt from the deck.

“YOUR ASS IS OURS, WAYNE!  SINCE WHEN DID YOU THINK IT WAS ACCEPTABLE TO WRITE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES, OR WRITE ANYTHING OTHER THAN MEANDERING POETRY???  THERE ARE SCHOOLS AND DEGREES FOR LITERATURE—WE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANOTHER AUTHOR FROM OUTSIDE ACADEMIA!”

Fuck!  A missile explodes behind me, lifting me up and sending me soaring.  I touch down and roll, marveling at the fact that I haven’t been hit by any shrapnel.  I push through a thick wall of bushes, breaking through the tree-line into—

Oh SHIT—a goddamn cliff!

I screech to a halt, backpedaling wildly and falling onto my butt.  A couple more steps and I would have plummeted to my death.

Drones crest the firs and pines, illuminating my body with harsh floodlights.  Even though I can’t see them, I know invisible lasers are dancing across my torso, marking me for 5.56, 7.62, and .308.

“YOU’RE FINISHED, WAYNE.  SURRENDER.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Ernest Hemingway falls from the sky dressed in an old-school strongman singlet.  “EAT MY ASS, YOU NERDY FUCKING SCALLAWAGS!”  He assumes an old-timey boxing stance and starts throwing hairy-knuckled punches, exploding peoples’ faces and knocking them toothless.  Holy fuck!

I hightail it out of there, glancing back over my shoulder just in time to see him take a swig of whiskey and hold a lighter to his face, blowing a whoosh of flame into the midst of the writing snobs.

Part of me feels sorry for them, but…

Nah!  Fuck those cock-smears!  Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Are you being nitpicked by a bunch of a bunch of pedantic, uncreative finger-waggers?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the dick-gobble is going on, my fellow oral enthusiasts who enjoy either giving or receiving some enthusiastic head that sounds like mac-n-cheese noises on steroids or the GLK-GLK-GLK of an eager frat boy shotgunning beer as fast as he—

Hey, hey HEY!  How about some foreplay, motherfucker?  Eat a little taint before you beat up a pair of tonsils with a swollen dickhead!  If you’re one of those deviants who goes straight to the GLK-GLK-GLK, you’re one of the reasons society’s going to hell in a handbasket!  Jesus!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

[Kent Wayne.]  Professor X’s mental presence forms in my head.

[Huh?  Oh hey Professor.  (Guys, be quiet; don’t let Chuck know that we’re—) ]

[Oh for God’s sake, Wayne!  Are you having another foursome with Jean, Psylocke, and Storm???]

Jean and Storm chuckle.  Psylocke tickles my bung with the end of her pinkie.

“Hey hey HEY!  Exit only, sweetie!”  I push her hand away from my dirt star.  “Careful—that thing’s a deadly weapon.  If I didn’t load up on Tums before making sex with you, I’d risk melting your faces with a furnace-hot death-fart.  Get out of here!”

The three ladies run out of my bedroom, sheets wrapped around their torsos, giggling like crazy.

[Uh, sorry Professor.  What can I do for you?]

Professor X projects a sigh.  [I can’t believe that—never mind.  Scott and Logan are measuring their penises again and it’s getting heated.  I need you to step in and intervene.]

[Dick-measuring contest?  Pshhh—I can lay that to rest in a hot second.  I’m just gonna walk in there and—]

[Do NOT show them your oversized wiener, Kent!  The last time you did it, they fought off suicidal urges for two months straight!  I can’t have you—HHHGHHHKKK!]

[Professor?  PROFESSOR!]  Fuck.  Someone hit him with a psychic attack.  All I can detect is mental static.  Gotta—

[Hello, Kent.]  A sinister laugh.

[Da fuq?  Who are you?]

[I’ve waited a long time for this.  You and your stupid stories…someone should have beaten the creative out of you before you started school.]

Oh no.

NO!

GRAMMAR NAZI PRIME!!!

I snarl, [People need hope and inspiration.  They need to be called to a higher—]

[The hell you say!] he snaps.  [That’s not what they need—they need proper sentence structure, correct punctuation, and OXFORD GODDAMN COMMAS!]

Fuck this turd.  Gonna boot him from my mind post fucking haste.

So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

[What did you do?]  His suspicion turns to panic.  [WHAT DID YOU DO???]

[Witness my penis in its true form.]  I project a smile and a wave of my hand in front of my crotch.  [Prepare to feel wildly insufficient.]

My awakened wiener roars to life, blossoming into its true form.

It screams, [I’M A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON, BITCH!]

That’s right—residing in my penis is the soul of a dragon.

And it’s too much for Grammar Nazi Prime.  He cups his hands around his microphallus, drops to his knees, and breaks into sobs.  Any moment now, he’s gonna commit seppuku.  Par for the course when you realize you ain’t packing shit between your legs.

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Has a low-down Grammar Nazi invaded your psyche?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the poop-sploosh is happening, my fellow bathroom transgressors who’ve given in to spur-of-the-moment panic and tried to disguise the horrid, watery splash of your feces by wailing unintelligibly at the top of your lun—

Whoa dude, WHOA!  Instead of assaulting peoples’ ears with nasty ker-plops or unnecessary screams, why not exercise a little sphincter discipline and cut your turd a bit at a time, so’s it doesn’t sound like a giant alien mothership crash-landing in the middle of the ocean?  Jesus Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Man, it’s a little past one.  Can’t fall asleep…

“House—run me a holo-doc.”

“Subject?”

“The year 2020.”

3-D images appear above my bed.  The Great Pandemic, civil unrest, forest fires, swarms of murder hornets…holy shit, I can’t believe it got THIS crazy just a hundred years ago.  I  glad it’s 2120, where I can laze about in my maglev condo, cavorting with Soccer Moms who’re willing to support me with cash tips for sex…

I close my eyes, drifting off into sweet, restful slumber.

A woman says, “Kent.”

“Huh?”  I rub my eyes with my thumb and forefinger.  “Da fuq?  House—activate lights.”

The lights click on, but the woman snaps her fingers and the lights click off.

“I prefer the dark.”

“Who are you?”  I squint at her silhouette.  “You’re breaking and entering—the maglev police are gonna have your ass.”

“Nope.”  She holds up a craggy metal device:  a pistol-grip with a small holographic projected above it.  “Entanglement scanner—beats any comms short of  Intergalactic Security Services’ quantum crypto.”

My eyes adjust to the darkness.  Puckered frown, angry wrinkles around her eyes, hair cut into a short, blonde bob…

Oh my God.  IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING KAREN!

“What…what…”  I scoot backward on the bed, mouth dropping open in astonishment and horror.  “Your kind hasn’t been seen since 2020.  How—”

She cuts me off with a sinister chuckle.  “We went underground.  Learned how to fake impartial consensus and critical thinking, even though it damn near killed us.  Now we rise, ready to live-laugh-love the world into submission.”

“No.”  I look down at my once-mighty penis.  It’s shriveling into a tiny, frightened nub that could easily be mistaken for a spot of acne on a baby hamster.  “NO!!!”

Her grin widens.  “You’re first on our list—there’s no room in the Karen Empire for hot Asian sci-fi Man Whores such as yourself.  Your big, dark, upcurved dick is an abomination—albino-white penises are the goddamn future.”

“Eww.”  My face twists with disgust.  “Like a baby mole-rat’s?”

“ExACTLY like a baby mole-rat’s.”

I shout “GROSS!” and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Logical proofs form around me, coating my body in glowing equations.  Aristotelian formulas, syllogistic deductions and exotic symbols…they contour around me in mathematical splendor.

“What…”  She takes a step back.

“Inductive reasoning, fallacy negation, and common sense.”  I make a fist, channeling the equations into a star-bright circle around my right hand.  “You don’t stand a chance.”

“No.”  She raises her arm in a futile attempt to ward me off.  “NO!”

“OH yeah!”  I join my hands at the base of my palms, curling my fingers into hadouken position.  “EAT LOGIC, BITCH!”

SHOOOOOOM!

The Karen claws the air and shrieks in fury.  As she dematerializes, she screams:

“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE!  DAAAAMMMNN YOOOOoooo….”

Ha HA!  Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Has a rabid Karen attacked you in your home?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the piss-bottle is happening, my fellow lazy-ass Lazers who’ve gotten sick of getting up to go the bathroom and instead started to pee in Gatorade bottles and now reaped the foul fruits of your disgusting practice by accidentally taking a big ol’ gulp of uri—

GROSS!  Why the hell would you invite the conundrum of deciding whether to gulp your own piss or spray it across the room in surprise and disgust???  Just wear a diaper, goddammit!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Jerking it…jerking it…jerking it…

HO-ACHI-MAMA!

Just as a bunch of finger-length tadpoles erupt from my wiener, I realize 2020 has struck again—they immediately aerosolize into a black-tinged mist, sweeping out of my condo with a demonic “OOH-HOO-HA-HA!”

Damn you, 2020!

THREE SECONDS LATER, KENT WAYNE’S SPERM HAS WREAKED HAVOC ACROSS THE WESTERN SEABOARD, REDUCING ENTIRE FORESTS TO CRUMBLY DUST AND MELTING THE FACES OFF MILLIONS OF CITIZENS…

No!  NO!

I run outside, grabbing my hair with both hands.  Neighbors and friends drop to their knees, struggling to breathe as they claw at their necks.

Ted Yari locks eyes with me, fighting to inhale through a cloud of my swimmers.  “Fuck…YOU.  Kent…Wayne…”

Then he collapses onto his side, eyes rolling back as he breathes his last.

FUCK!

As I run through a field of corpses, the sky turns hellscape red.  Sporadic gunfire sounds in the distance.  Above the skyline, a chopper spins out, leaving a trail of smoke hanging in the air before disappearing behind a hill and blossoming into a bright orange fireball.

What am I gonna do?  WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I keep running, trying to think of some way to reverse this madness.  A dying Karen points at me and snarls like Gollum as her face turns to ash.

(Whoop, ’scuse me a second…)

I stop in front of her and piss on her corpse.

HEH heh heh!

Sorry—couldn’t resist.  I zip up and keep running.

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A giant vortex forms before me, swirling round and round in a furious gyre.  What the FUCK, man???  My magic eReader is supposed to save me!

Then a beautiful woman forms inside the vortex:  a hot-ass Soccer Mom with pointy ears, clad in a diaphanous gown that clings to the curves of her beautiful figure.

“ Join us inside the Enchanted Booty Forest.”  She reaches out  and gives me a smile.

Enchanted Booty Forest???  Don’t have to ask me twice!  Hot damn!

I break into a sprint, taking a flying leap into the vortex.  I glimpse Earth going to absolute shit before I’m teleported into a wonderland of Elven Soccer Moms who spend most of their day in scanty lingerie, hitting each other with pillows and laughing sexily before they settle down and start making out.

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Has 2020 turned your beat-off sesh into an apocalyptic deathstorm?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the Roman Face Mask is happening, my fellow big-dicked pranksters who’ve successfully messed with your sleeping friend by placing one testicle in each of their eye sockets, then laying your big ol’ thicky on the line of their nose, approximating the noseguard of a Centurion’s helme—

You DEVIANT!  Stop posing for the camera with devil-horn hands, get your penis off your friend’s face, and go be respectable like the rest of society!  That thing is for procreating—it wasn’t meant to be used as a prop in hilarious photographs!  Jesus Christ!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Everyone says there’s a male g-spot, but I call bullshit.  I’ve spent the last twenty minutes rooting through my butthole and nothing’s happening.  Was this just a ploy to make me finger myself?  Damn you internet!

Sigh.  Guess it’s a lost cause.  I’m about to pull out when the ground starts shaking.  Oh shit—a random earthquake!  Just stay calm and—

My spasming finger presses my butthole chakra, activating the full potential of my auric body.  Uh-oh—my consciousness just separated from my physical form.  Here we go—I’m about to shoot into the astral reaches!

Oh daaaaAAAAANGG—

YIBBER-YOB-MCGOO!

…….

…………….

Huh?  Where am I?  Seems I’ve been launched into a cloudscape littered with lackluster concepts…

“Welcome to the Adultinate,” a voice says from behind me.  “Where the evils of adulthood come together and form a boring-ass realm.”

I turn around.  A bespectacled, dad-bodded, balding nerd walks toward me.

“Who are you?” I ask, casting a nervous glance to my left and right.

A sinister laugh.  “You should know, Kent.  Don’t you recognize me?”

“Stop playing games.  I need to get back to my Soccer Mom lovers—without my thick, upcurved wiener, they won’t be able to have their daily orgasm.  They’ll go batshit crazy and panic-buy every grain of quinoa on the western seaboa—”

“Those are silly pursuits, Kent Wayne—I should know, I was once like you.”

My dread turns to stone cold terror.  “Who ARE you?”

“You know who I am.”

“No.”  Unwanted knowledge surges through me.  “NO!!!”

It’s me!  the Fully Adult (Respectable Edition) version of me!

I drop to my knees as gallons of vomit fly from my mouth:  “BLUUUUHHHH!”  My butthole lurches and quivers violently.  Then it too, lets loose with a stream of filth.

“Ughhh…”  I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

“Time to end this.”  He unzips his pants.  I behold the horror of my inevitable future—a baby-dick micro-peen.

“No…NO…OH-GOD-SO-UGLY-BLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRR!!!!”  More vomit blasts from my mouth.

“Yes.”  He gives me a sick, twisted grin.  “Take a good, long look, Kent—this is what you become.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Sacred energy builds in my balls, activating my coke-can-thick wiener and making it grow twenty feet long in less than an instant—

—SPLUTCH!—

—spearing my evil doppelganger right through the eye.  Momentary shock streaks across his face before he drops to his knees…then onto his side.

“That’s right, bitch.”  I coil my giant doing around my thigh and tuck it into my sock.  “I’m a professional Man Whore—I can’t waste time with no fun-size gerbil-dick or a respectable lifestyle!  Get the fuck outta here!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

Have you played with your butt chakra a little too long, and now you have to kill an evil, Respectable version of yourself?  I’ve got just the thing!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited