What the sex-barrassment is going on, my fellow fuckers who’re pounding away, congratulating yourself as your lady rises up and begins squirting all over you, then it blasts you in the eye and you involuntarily flinch but you still soldier on, your impaired vision is getting in the way so you decide to manually finish and your lady starts helping but just as you bust her hand twitches your wiener up and your load shoots through your parted lips hitting you square in the back of the goddamn throat, now you’re choking and sputtering, stumbling around the room like Marv or Harry from Home alone, banging your knee on the dresser—OW!—slamming your head on the wall—DAMMIT!—then the sheets tangle around your ankle and you go careening out the door-sized windows, over the balcony ledge and—SHIIIIIIIITTT!!!—rocket toward the ground but you’re stopped short by the sheet which has caught on a bedpost, leaving you dangling butt-nekkid above the streets, cock-balls-and-asshole exposed to the wind while people take pictures and mothers scream and cover their children’s eyes, trying to protect their spawn from looking at your face which is coated in juices and glazed like a Krispy Kreme donut—

Amateur move, fuckface!  Looking at a squirt is like looking at a grenade—only do it through the safety of home video!  That’ll learn ya!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀

Hey guys, you know when someone’s tickling your b-hole with the tip of their pinkie and you’re acting all innocent, then they suddenly go three knuckles deep, four fingers wide and you burst into angelic song that quickly transforms into a demon-voiced roar of full-throated pleasure because you’re gasming so hard that you’re gonna need a motherfucking MOP after you’re—

JUST KIDDING!  That is DISGUSTING—I would NEVER do that!  Not only do I drive five miles under the speed limit, I only watch shows with a TV-G rating!  Geez—that was just a test!  Get your mind out of the gutter! 

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀

What the testicular insecurity is going on, all my fellow meat-slingers who’re packing a juicy thick womb-hammer but your nuts fail to measure up, so you die a little more inside whenever you see a porn where the sack is clapping stoutly against the clit or the butthole, and this haunts you to the point where you force a grin day after day, until your partner complements you on your piece and you scream, “So what you’re saying is that my balls look like pop rocks—aren’t you?  AREN’T YOU?!?!?!?”  Then you sprint out the door ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell, shoveling giant spoonfuls of melty ice-cream into your gob, swearing that you’ll make them all pay for making fun of your wrinkled little sack that’s so damn tiny it doesn’t even look like two separate balls, but more like a stunted peach pit that gets ridiculed at recess by all the other normal-sized peach pits—

What the FUCK!?!?  Hey man, do you have any idea how many men have been driven to sports cars, backwards baseball caps, and cringey-ass bro-code because their wiener could double as a frightened light switch?  And you have the nerve to complain about your goddamn BALLS???  Get the fuck out of here!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀