“Help!  HELP!” Kent Wayne’s scrotum yells.

“What?  Huh?”  I snuffle-snort awake.  “What the hell?”

His nuts try and suck up into his speedo, but it’s no use—they’re pendulous as hell, they’ve plopped out of the hammock, and there’s no way they’re gonna shloop back inside.  “This fucker fell asleep in the sun!  I’m burnt as hell man!  Now I sound as crinkly as I look—like a goddamn handful of char-grilled cellophane!””

Figures.  This dickhole treats his genitals like disposable commodities.  Never uses lube, tattoos me like a lightsaber (yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds—the shaft is grungy sci-fi cool, with all the buttons and ridges inked in painstaking detail, while the glans are colored in neon green.  Who the fuck has a goddamn lightsaber where the plasma blade is nothing but a rounded green nub?)

“Don’t forget me!” his butthole chimes in.  “He tattooed a goddamn apple around me, then a worm coming out with a book in its mouth!  What idiot thinks ‘bookworm,’ and decides to get it tattooed coming out of their ass???”

“Agh!”  His balls twist and flinch.  “HELP!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I rocket out of his undies and open his eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I double in size and become full-on prehensile.  That allows me to descend on his unsuspecting noggin and envelop his skull in the remains of my foreskin.  He wakes up and starts screaming into my folds.  He tries to pry me off, but I trap his hands in wads of penis-flesh. 

As we sprint past sunbathers, they stare at Kent in open-mouthed shock.  It’s not every day that you see a dude who’s been human-centipeded onto his own wiener, hands trapped in its smeg-sticky depths. 

That’s what you get, Kent Wayne!  HEH heh heh!

Has your host-body abused you and your fellow genitals with absurd tattoos, endless rounds of no-lube masturbation, and an overly strong dose of the afternoon sun?  Never fear!  Buy my books and wake them up with a human-centipede-style surprise! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Martha Stewart’s armored goon announces, “He-whores, get in your stockades!” 

After sharing a nervous glance with Ryan Gosling, I step into a set of medieval restraints.  Legions of man-sluts follow suit.  I can’t help but flinch as our locks click shut.

“I just wanted to have some fun with Martha, you know?” Gosling mutters.  “I don’t know about this…”

“You and me both.”  I wriggle in place, wincing as the wood bites into my skin.  “Her swimsuit cover was straight-up fire, but what does that have to do with—”

“FUCK you, Kent Wayne!”  Martha strides onto the pool deck.  “You shut your fucking mouth!”  She strides behind Channing Tatum and declares, “You’re mine, you hear me?  Every one of you!  MINE!”  She plunges her arm into his bare asshole, rips out his still-beating heart, and holds it up in the air. “You fuckers think you can send me to prison???  Think again, dickholes!”  Then she bites it like a crunchy red delicious, twisting her neck with savage enthusiasm as she rends an aorta with her blood-coated chompers.

Screams of fear erupt from our ranks.  Chris Hemsworth blurts, “Martha, we weren’t the ones who sent you to prison!  Please just—”

She reaches between his legs, rips off his scrotum, then shoves it into Jake Gyllenhaal’s mouth.  Grown-ass men blubber and wail, begging the icon to spare our lives and nether parts. 

“We gotta get out of here!” I whisper to my wiener.  “Hey—you hear me?  Any second now, she’s gonna—”

Martha draws a turbocharged dildo-sword, yanks the lawnmower-style starter-chain on its base, and starts waving it around with Kung Fu-master skill.  “Hope you like them prostates scrambled!”

Wiener peeks out from my sock and squeals in alarm.  Then he unwinds from my thigh, reaches in my pocket, and opens my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

As Martha lays waste to Keanu’s trademark stoicism—his face contorts, then he lets loose with a howl of prostate-scrambled agony—Superman swoops in, breaks the locks on my wooden stockade, then grabs my hand and we fly into the yonder. 

“Aren’t you gonna save them?” I demand.  “Keanu Reeves needs a new set of organs!”

Superman looks back, a single tear running down his cheek.  “During her time in prison, she dedicated her alpha-milf mind to learning the dark arts, along with every form of combat known to man.  She’s too damn strong, Kent—if I tried to fight her, she’d stuff my ass like a Thanksgiving turkey.”

The enormity of her power hits like a ton of bricks.  As we burst into sobs, we both hum the theme from Requiem for a Dream.

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Has a culinary icon marked your anus for scorched-earth destruction?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon a superhero, and make a skin-of-your-teeth escape!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing