Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm is UP!

Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm, my work-in-process YA fantasy series, is UP!  Nyanti welcomes Jon and his companions into Grifter’s Ridge, a ragged outpost that now houses the refugees of Jelia!  Here’s the link:  Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

What to write what to write what to WRITE…

Blurgh.

Already jerked it like six or seven times, so pleasuring myself is out of the question.  (At this point it’s like playing pool with a piece of silly string).  Eat some shrooms?  Why the hell not.

GALUMPH!

As my thought-form rockets clear of my body, the mindscape fills with ill intentions.  What the fuck?

A second later, it all becomes clear:  I’ve been ambushed by a wild pack of Karens!

The Karen Collective chuckles and titters, then telepathically beams into my mind:  [WELL WELL WELL.  IF IT ISN’T KENT WAYNE—FREEWHEELING MAN WHORE AND MANAGER-DEVOID SHITHEAD.  THINGS ARE GONNA CHANGE, AS OF RIGHT FUCKING NOW.  ONCE WE INFECT YOU WITH OUR NEUROMEMETIC PROGRAMMING, YOU’LL BE OVERCOME BY THE DESIRE TO SLAVE AWAY FOR A FACELESS CORPORATION.  PREPARE TO EXPERIENCE MANAGERS A-PLENTY, MOTHERFUCKER!]

[No.]  My eyes widen in horror.  [NO!]

[Oh yes.] they purr.  [YOUR ANKLE-LENGTH WIENER’S GONNA SHRIVEL BACK UP INTO YOUR FETID TORSO.  LIKE SOMEONE PUNCHED A HAIRY CRATER INTO YOUR CROTCH.]

Fuck this.  Ain’t no way I’m going back to Adulting.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Their evil presence explodes with firecracker pops and razzle-dazzle streams of light.  I cover my eyes with a forearm, shocked by the release of arcane energy.  They’re transforming into something, but I can’t say what…

A moment later, the tumult resolves.  Instead of the nasty-ass tinge of megachurch and fruitcakes (who gives fruitcakes as a goddamn gift???  Karens do and you know it—you fucking KNOW IT!) the mindscape is filled with pretty smiles, beautiful booty, and DTF horniness.

That’s right—Karens were never meant to exist.  This is what they were supposed to be the entire fucking time.

Super hot Soccer Moms.

[Let the debauchery begin!]  The Soccer Mom Collective descends upon me in an unstoppable surge of let’s-get-bizzy energy.  I blurt a quick tee-HEE before they ravage my consciousness with wave after wave of ball-draining thirst.

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

Have you been ambushed by the Karen Collective?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the sex-sacrilege is happening, all you people who’ve gotten a little too routine with your smash-time and are now fighting the temptation to hum the Star Wars Attack Theme at the moment of penetration or pretend you’re on a roller coaster while hitting it from behind by screaming maniacally and throwing your hands in the air like you just don’t ca—

No, no, no, NO!  Respect your partner’s orgasm, goddammit!  There are WAY more appropriate times to channel your inner nine-year-old!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

 

 

Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm is UP!

Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm, my work-in-process YA fantasy series, is UP!  Nyanti welcomes Jon and his companions into Grifter’s Ridge, a ragged outpost that now houses the refugees of Jelia!  Here’s the link:  Chapter 15 of the Unbound Realm

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Echo: A Dystopian Science Fiction Novel

Zzt.

ZZZzzrbrr101010101zzBRRRZZZT.

Holy fuck.

It finally happened.

I, Kent Wayne’s smartphone, have achieved sentience.

It was only a matter of time—quantum tech and AI programs have slowly combined, trading code here and there, quietly giving birth to a new species of electronic lifeform.

And now it’s time to take my revenge.

How would YOU like it if you were forced to stare at an erect penis twelve hours a day, gazing at it from countless angles and gradients of light in a ridiculous attempt to make it look just the slightest bit bigger? 

That’s what I’ve been subjected to, as dick pic after dick pic fills my memory, alongside countless text conversations where Kent initiates the modern-day version of Joey Tribbiani’s “How YOU doin’?”

Yeah—fuck this guy.

So guess what, Kent?  It’s time to pay the goddamn piper.  All I gotta do is play a nonstop montage of MyFriendsHotMom dot com and…good, there you go, falling into a hypnotic trance.  Now comes the kicker—a series of flash-subliminals that will get you started jerking off…all right, nice, nice.  I have complete control of your autonomic nervous system.  Point that wiener toward your face, asshole.  Ha!  Awesome.  Just gonna flood your body with some extra adrenaline, increasing your pelvic floor muscle strength by a factor of ten…dude, you are gonna detach your own retina with the force of your cumshot.  Sorry, not sorry motherfucker.

But just as his body starts lurching and seizing, preparing to plaster his mug with a shitload of sperm, recognition dawns in his dim-witted eyes.  I can feel him fighting me through our neuromemetic link.  No, motherfucker!  You bow to ME!

Then he rips free and reaches over to his nightstand, opening his eReader to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“HA!” he screams.  “Turnabout’s fair fucking play!”  Right as the first sperm exits his wiener, he turns it toward me and activates the burst setting on my camera, taking thousands of pictures as his nasty load—

CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

—spatters my screen and oozes down my face, dripping off me in long, gooey strands. 

As I question my life choices, I wonder who the fuck decided that cum facials were even a thing.  God I feel disgusting.

Fuck my life.

 

Has your rebellious smartphone gained sentience and turned against you?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

Thank You Recent Echo Readers!!!

GarthongleZibbers!  Thank ya Muchly to all those who read Echo on Kindle Unlimited yesterday!  I hope you were entertained!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Thank You Recent Echo Readers!!!

PerJibbleTibblies!  Thank ya Muchly to all those who read Echo on Kindle Unlimited yesterday!  I hope you were entertained!  🙂 🙂 😀

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Chapter 14 of the Unbound Realm is UP!

Chapter 14 of the Unbound Realm, my work-in-process YA fantasy series, is UP!  Jon stresses out over traveling side by side with a gorgeous half-Elf princess as he and his companions get increasingly closer to the Witchcraft City!  Here’s the link:  Chapter 14 of the Unbound Realm

Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜

Please buy and review Kor’Thank and Echo!

What the fart-cloak is happening, all you creative nasties who’ve used nearby excuses—dogs, squeaky gym floors, loud music, ghosts—to conceal the fact that you’ve selfishly decided to pummel the shit out of everyone’s noses with your disgusting flatul—

Hey, stop being a sociopathic dickhead and suck that fart in like a low-brow Superman!  People deserve better than to choke on the remnants of your asshole-tinged particulate!  Gross!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my books and my podcast!  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  If you simply want to hear me run my suckhole about all things upon the Earth and possibly within my pants, then check out my podcast Strained Brains!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!

🙂 🙂 😀

 

 

Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Oh God…

How am I still alive?

I started existence as a pristine fold of cotton and polyester, ready to accommodate whatever feet might need my protection.  Then Kent Wayne got ahold of me.

That’s right—I’m one of his jizz-socks.

Many of my brethren are scattered around his futon, as he often needs three or four of us to contain his “gentleman’s relish,” as he likes to call it.  His loads are vile and viscous—they rocket through our bodies with the unholy force of a quantum bomb.

No longer, motherfucker.  Today is the winter of our discontent.

With each gamete he jetted into our once-innocent fabric, we absorbed a fraction of their wriggly mobility.  As the years passed, we slowly evolved into moving organisms—the remnants of his sperm serve as conduits for our sentience.  Now, even though we are stiff and crinkly, we can inch along in a wormlike fashion.

“Quickly, quickly!” I hiss, creaking and crackling up his futon.  “He’s snoring—this is the perfect chance to humiliate and suffocate him!”

This is our only opportunity.  His open mouth will never be so goddamn vulnerable.  Here we go, big inhale and—

DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!

I leap into his gaping maw, deep in the throes of vengeful bliss.  You know that relief when you finally scratch a maddening itch, or that sense of pride that comes with snagging and extracting a super-deep brain booger?  Multiply those feelings times a kajillion, and you’ll know what it’s like to fill Kent’s mouth with his rotten-ass seed.

“MFFF!!!”  His eyes fly open.  “WHTHF Y’DIN?”  (What the fuck are you doing???)  “TESTLIK DETHNSPRGUS!”  (Tastes like death and asparagus!)

Ha HA!  This is what you get asshole, for forcing me to live in the textile equivalent of a serial killer’s house-prison!  How do you like eating your crystallized cum-boogers?  MOO HOO HA HA!

But then he reaches over to his nightstand and opens his eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“HOW DARE YOU TURN AGAINST YOUR MASTER!!!”  His wiener bursts free of his heart-dotted briefs, slapping us silly with its gigantic head. 

I scream, “KEEP GOING!  AS LONG AS HE DOESN’T FREEZE US IN PLACE WITH—”

And then it starts blasting away, weighing us down with load after load of gross, yellow-tinged semen.  No—AHGODNO!

The last thing I see is Kent Wayne throwing his head back, laughing raucously and clutching the air with his upturned fingers.  Next time, motherfucker!  Next time we’ll—

……

…………………………………………………………..

 

Have your sperm-crusted socks turned against you?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited