“Thanks for inviting me over for Thanksgiving.”  I look at my ex, Irma Horfendorff.  “I know we’ve had our differences, but—” 

“Over and done with,” she responds with a dismissive flap of her hand.  “Time to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones.”

My ex-mother in-law, adds, “Can’t stay angry forever, you know?”

“Absolutely.  So what are we having?”  I clap my hands and rub them eagerly together.  “All the classics, huh?  Mashed pertaters, gravy, stuffing, green beans…”

“Look closer at the turkey,” Irma urges.  “We put something special inside.”

“Special?”  I crane forward and peer into the bird.  “What are you talking about?  I don’t see anyth—”

“Your motherfucking HEAD!”  Irma’s mom rams my skull forward while my ex thrusts the turkey over my face.

“AH!  FUCK!”  I flail around, trying to pull my noggin out of the turkey’s perfectly brined and seasoned rectum.  “TRAITORS!”

Irma and her mom start pummeling me with body shots, riddling my flesh with machine-gun punches.  At the same time, they assault my ears with horrendous complaints—why didn’t I get a bigger diamond ring?  Why don’t I get a frame for my futon?  Why the hell don’t I use any coasters?

I dig my fingers into the bird, ripping it in half and screaming, “Because I like to draw smileys in the GODDAMN STAINS!!!” 

My triumph is short-lived—Irma jabs my eye with a hefty rolling pin, giving me a one-way ticket into a world of pain.  Her mom uppercuts me in the nuts with a gravy-covered ladle, causing me to drop like I’ve been sniped by a .50 cal. 

If I don’t act soon, I am FUCKED.

So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The crotch in my sweatpants suddenly balloons, filling with the physical embodiment of evil and ruin.  I reach for my nuts, grab a handful of goo, and brandish it so they can see what’s up. 

They slowly back off, hands raised in a let’s-think-about-this gestures.  “Easy, Kent—this was a simple misunderstanding.  No need to throw any smegma.”

“Misunderstanding?” I scoff.  “A couple more seconds, and you would have fucking castrated me.”  The heinous gloop starts smoking and sizzling.  Demonic whispers begin echoing through the room.

“Not true,” Irma says quickly.  “It was all in good fun.  We were just—”

“FUCK YOU!”  I spin in a circle and whip out my arm, flinging long streaks of Absolute Nasty.  Sick green flames immediately erupt, accompanied by phantom skulls that fly and shriek and leave eldritch contrails hanging in the air. 

Irma and her mom turn and run for the door.  I sprint toward the window.  A couple of Balrogs emerge from my smeg, but just as they roar and expel a giant pulse of cataclysmic energy, I tuck into a ball, jump through the glass, and—

“FUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!”

—go full-on eighties action hero with a slow-mo flame jump.  Watch out, Stallone!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have your in-laws lured you with a tasty spread, then trapped you in a dead bird’s asshole and beaten the absolute shit out of your organs and ribs?  Never fear!  Buy my books, destroy their house with your unholy secretions, then cap it off with an eighties-movie flame jump!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

As teenage Kent, I know this is not where I’m supposed to be.  I’m supposed to be a muscled-up Man Whore, not a bullied high school senior.

“Check it out!” my nerd-friend Chauncey wheeze-whines.  “Hunter Brody’s letterman jacket!  He left it behind on the bench!”

I throw a furtive glance to either side.  “Anyone else in the locker room?”

“Just us,” he replies.  “Why?  What’re you gonna do?”

“That asshole keeps bullying me because his mom gives me fuck-eyes,” I growl.  “I can’t help it if I’m a goddamn milf magnet.  Watch the door.”

Chauncey jogs to the door.  I whip out my cock and start jerking it into the jacket.  Pockets, collar, fucking everywhere.  Fap-fap-fap-HNNGH!  Fap-fap-fap-HNNGH!

“I see them coming!” Chauncey calls.

“Almost—HNNGH!—done!”  I flex my PC muscles and deposit a giant load into a sleeve.  “All right, let’s get the hell out of here!”

But right as we try to bustle away, Hunter and his entourage push us back in.  “Whoa, where you going, Wayne?  Your hair looks a little dry—think it’s time for a moisturizing swirly.”

I throat-jab a goon, nut-kick another, and scream, “Run, Chauncy!”  He manages to slip free and wheeze-whine away, but the other two goons pin my arms behind my back.

“You’re dead, Wayne.”  Hunter gives me a douche-bag smile.  “But before I forget, Imma grab my jacket.”

Despite my 100% guaranteed impending doom, I can’t help but smile as his anguished cry erupts from the locker room:  “I.  Have.  CUM ON ME!  AHHHHH!!!”

The next thing I know, he’s charging toward me with pure murder written across his face.  No options left.  I rip an arm free, reach into my pocket, and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-boggling reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

As muscles fill out my bony frame, my penis expresses a guttural growl, snaking down my leg and tucking into my sock.  At the same time, Hunter’s hot-ass mom runs up the hall, beholding me in a mixture of wonder and awe.

“He’s finally legal!” she breathes.  “You just aged decades in less than a day!  How did you do it?”

I flex my pc muscles a couple of times, sending a rippling wave through the cock-bulge entwined around my thigh and calf.  “Best leave now.”  I eye Hunter and his shaken goons.  “Unless you want to die via rapid-fire mushroom-stamp.”

The goons take off as I throw Hunter’s mom a cocky (pardon the pun) smile.  “I’m sure you’ve heard that saying about gift horses.  What happens next is up to you.”

She flies into my arms, licking my face like it holds the secrets to life and existence.  As my wiener goes Hulk and starts ripping through my trousers, Hunter tearfully queries, “Mom?  MOM!”  He clutches the air like Darth Vader in the third shitty prequel and screams, “NOOOOOOO!!!”

OH yeah!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Give your high school bully his just desserts!  Buy my books and widen out his mom! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

Oh man, what a treat!  I get to see Maverick and the gang playing slow-motion volleyball in front of their hangar!  After a bunch of cheesy high-fives, most of em leave, with the notable exception of Mav and Hangman—they put on their shades and saunter into the hangar.

I start walking toward the entrance.  Maybe I can get an autograph or something.  At least a cool story?  (Hope they’re not dicks).

“Hello?”  My voice echoes through the wide-open bay.  “Mav?  Hangman?”

Someone’s making plane noises off to my right, near the back of the expansive hangar:  BEEEoorrr…BEEEooorrr…as I head toward the sound, it resolves into Hangman’s voice:  “Remember to suck the whole cockpit…”

What the fuck?  I freeze in my tracks.

Inside one of the windowed offices, Maverick—blindfolded, kneeling—is opening his mouth as wide as he can.  Hangman is circling around him, holding a F-14-shaped dildo in his hand, accompanying it with a bunch of flyby noises.

They’re also naked.  With boners. 

Hangman locks eyes with me.  “HEY!” he shouts. 

Maverick rips off his blindfold and stares at me in horror.  “Hubbard preserve us!”

As they burst out of the office, I raise both hands in a conciliatory gesture.  “Easy guys.  As long as you’re not victimizing anyone, I don’t give a damn WHAT your kink is.  Times have changed, you know?”

They exchange a glance, then regard me again with panicked expressions.  “We’re products of the eighties!  No one can see past our phallocentric obsessions!”

“Uh…what does that mean?”  I start backing slowly away.

Hangman levels a finger and snarls, “KILL HIM!”

I turn and book it, sprinting as fast as I fucking can.  I clear the hangar, run onto the sand, and chance a look back over my shoulder.  Christ, they still have boners!  Also, this is THEIR territory—they’ve played countless hours of sweaty shirtless volleyball, which means they’re used to the sand and their cardio’s INSANE!

“Gonna fuck your head off your neck and offer it to Xenu!” Maverick screams.  “You don’t stand a chance!  How many hours of shirtless volleyball have you played in your life???  I’m betting NONE!”

Fuck.  FUCK.  He’s right.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

The scream of twin fighter jets fills my ears.  Two birds soar overhead, firing their cannons and riddling the sand with six-foot dildos.  I dive onto my belly, covering my ears and opening my mouth as giant penises stab the earth—PHUT-PHUT-PHUT—causing it to erupt with enormous funnels of displaced soil. 

Do I need to keep running, or—nope.  As I get up and turn around, Mav and Hangman resolve in my sight.  They’ve both been impaled by weaponized dildos, propped up by phallic cylinders that run through their torsos and protrude from the ground.  Hangman’s out, but Mav is still conscious. 

“Muhhh…”  He reaches out for me, blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth. 

“Uh…”  I look in both directions and hiss through my teeth.  No one’s around, and I happen to standing in front of a guy who wanted to skullfuck my head clean off my neck.  Not sure what to do here, so…

I tiptoe up to him and give him a high-five.  “Yeah!  Good game!  You can be my wingman anytime!”

He reaches out and moans again.  “MUUUUHHH…”

“See you around, yeah?”  I hightail it out of there, humming the Top Gun anthem at the top of my lungs.

They say never meet your heroes, but I beg to differ—I think it’s okay, as long as you can summon dildo-shooting jets that’ll put ’em in their place.

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you inadvertently borne witness to the volleyball afterparty?  Are you running for your life ’cause Mav is trapped in a straitjacket woven from eighties-derived norms?  Never fear!  Buy my books and protect yourself with a lethal rain of dildos!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing