“You and me!” I yell as we bungee-jump off the bridge.  “Best buds for life!”

“For LIFE!” my penis yells back. 

We re-declare our bond with each new adventure:  skydiving, jet-skiing, snowboarding, crocheting…then, as we’re dancing the night away at an Ibiza rave, sharp pain erupts from his glans. 

“What—who the hell?”  I look wildly around, but his attacker has vanished into the crowd.

“Kent…help me.” 

I cradle Wiener in my arms.  “You’re gonna make it, I promise!”  I scan his shaft, zeroing in on a small pair of holes near the top of his frenulum. 

“Hurry…” he mumbles.  Then he passes out.

FOUR WEEKS LATER…

I’ve tried everything—EVERYTHING.  Regenerative therapy, top-tier urologists, the best acupuncturists in the goddamn world…nothing works.  All he wants to do is sleep in a coffin-shaped fleshlight.

“Come on,” I beg, tears streaking both my cheeks.  “Best buds for life, man—best buds for life!”

Wiener remains unresponsive.  Before I can voice another plea, glowing mist swirls under my door, forming into an unmistakable cape-limned figure.

“I have come for what’s mine,” Dracula intones. 

“You!”  I fix the vampire with a furious glare.  “I should have fucking known!”

“Muurrrghh…”  Wiener stirs in my arms.  “So…hungry…”

Dracula flares his cape, raises his fingers in a classic oogie-boogie gesture, and gives me a fang-heavy, red-eyed snarl.  “Surrender to the inevi—”

As I give him the finger, I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality-distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Wiener elongates in a burst of flesh, punching straight through the roof and ripping it clean off the walls.  The full moon glares into my bedroom, highlighting the vampire as he cranes back in shock.

“Oh SHI—”

That’s all he gets out before Wiener plummets downward, slamming Dracula’s head into his undead torso.  One moment he’s a recognizable human-shaped figure, the next he’s a mess of bone-skewered organs.  Wiener pumps up and down for good fucking measure, making the Hulk-Loki beating look like G-rated weak sauce.

Once he’s done, Wiener rears back into the full moon sky, unleashing a triumphant roar from his gore-strewn dicklips.  I wince and cover both my ears, but rest assured—I’m smiling on the inside.  Who needs stakes or silver bullets, amirite?

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has Dracula bitten your gorgeous genitals, then tried to enslave them with his vampire bullshit?  Never fear!  Buy my books, enlarge your nethers, and smash him into a pile of squishy-ass meat!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

I stifle a sigh as I roll down my window.  Man, I haven’t gotten a ticket in YEARS…as the officer makes her way over, I keep my hands on ten and two.

“Morning, ma’am.”

“Morning.”  She studies me impassively over the rim of her ray-bans.  “Wait a second, are you…would you mind pulling out your wiener for me?”

I shrug in response.  “Not the first time this has happened.  I’m fine with it, just as long as we don’t get caught.”

As I unzip, she laughs dismissively.  “No, it’s nothing like that.  You’re Kent Wayne, zany author and award-winning Man Whore, aren’t you?”

“Yes ma’am.”

She leans in and stares at my meat.  “I’d recognize that wiener anywhere. Me and my gal-pals are giant fans.  Just wanted to see it in person.”  She steps back and gives me a nod.  “You’re free to go.  If I wasn’t in uniform, I’d ask for a selfie with your upcurved thicky.”

“Wow!”  I zip up and smile at her.  “You just made my day, officer!”

She returns my smile and waves me on.  “See you around.  And ease off the gas, would you?”

“Absolutely!  Thank you!”

“No problem.”

I pull onto the road, shaking my head and grinning with pleasure.  Hot damn, that was unexpected.  Definitely not complaining—it’s a nice reminder there’s some decent people out and about.  I think I’ll pass it on and service my next client free of charge.  Maybe add in some Mountain Dew and Olive Garden, because who doesn’t love Mountain Dew and—

What the FUCK?  As I zoom past a Tesla, I catch a glimpse of its owner, shirt over his head, jerking his hamster-tail-sized dick with a pair of tweezers.  Right as he finishes, he pulls his shirt off his face and catches my gaze in the rearview mirror.

Elon MUSK???

Oh SHIT!  I slam pedal to metal, but his turbo-boosted car steadily eats the distance.  Suddenly, in a Michael Bay-worthy transformation, it morphs into a gigantic robo-suit with Elon’s head poking out of the top. 

“NO ONE CAN KNOW!”  He levels a missile-podded arm at my car, cutting loose with a trio of rockets.  They weave three smoky trails before slamming into the road, triggering sky-high plumes and billowing flames. 

I weave back and forth, avoiding the destruction by mere inches.  “Come on, man!  I’m just a hard-working Man Whore!  I’m not gonna tell anyone about your thumbtack-sized penis!”

“FUCK YOU!” he screams.  Three more rockets tear up the road.  His left arm-cannon starts glowing with feathery blue light.  Purple motes materialize around it, drawing inward as it consolidates energy from ambient particles.

Holy.  SHIT.  He’s gonna cut loose with a supersized death-ray.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Giada’s voice booms from my speaker:  “All wings, report in.”

Rachael Ray says, “Milf 10, standing by.”

Nigella Lawson: “Milf 7, standing by.”

“Milf 3, standing by.”

“Milf 6, standing by.”

“Milf 9, standing by.”

And so it goes, until I hear Martha’s authoritative voice:  “Milf Prime, standing by.”

My heart surges with hope as I spot a squadron of milf-piloted x-wings, cresting the horizon and speeding toward me.  They unleash a torrent of turbolaser fire, blasting Elon with giant streams of energized fury.  Much to my delight, I can hear him howling in rage as his robo-suit explodes into charred, smoking fragments.

“Thank you!” I sob.  “Thank you, Food Network milfs!”

Giada’s voice comes through again:  “We’re big fans of that upcurved thicky.  Keep doing what you’re doing, you filthy pig he-slut.”

“AbsoLUTELY!”  I look up as Rachael coasts by my window.  She gives me a cocky, index-and-middle finger salute, then jets off into the sky-blue yonder.

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you interrupted Elon’s tweezer-powered pleasure?  Never fear!  Summon a bunch of hotties in X-Wings, and stave off his wrath with some turbolaser fury!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

“I was just here to learn Dark Side lightning!  You can fuck all the way off with the rest of your angry incel bullshit!”

“WHAT???”  Palpatine, Vader, and Darth Maul fix me with furious glares. 

The Emperor sputters, “You think you can just half-ass your apprenticeship and—GET OVER HERE!”

“Holy FUCK!”  As I take off running, I narrowly duck a bolt of energy.  Darth Maul kick-jumps off a nearby column, then swipes at me with his two-headed light-dildo.  I stumble sideways, barely managing to avoid its tip, then dive into a roll as Vader flies in with a downward chop.

“THERE’S NOWHERE TO RUN,” Vader intones through his cock-breathed modulator.  “I HAVE YOU NOW.”  He grips the air with his hand, lifting me up off the ground and telekinetically squeezing my pendulous balls.

“Ah—SHIT!”  My limbs spread into a levitating crucifix.  God, it feels like someone’s whacking my nuts with an apocalypse-ready baseball bat!  “You’re supposed to choke my throat, not my clit-hammers!”

“YOU ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT—YOU THINK EVERYONE HAS A GORGEOUS SET OF HANGERS THAT CAN STIMULATE CLITS WHEN YOU’RE HITTING IT DOGGY STYLE?  I BARELY HAVE A GODDAMN COCK!”

“Whose fault is that?” I rasp.  “You could have lived out your days with a super hot princess, but you chose to go full-on psycho!  Fuck around and find out, you dick-helmeted piece of shit!”

“QUIET!”  He squeezes my nuts, eliciting an agonized howl from the depths of my soul.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I rip an arm free of his telekinesis, then reach into my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.

The lights in the Star Destroyer abruptly cut out.  Vader releases me and fires up his saber.

“What the fuck?”  Darth Maul looks irritably around.  “Who would dare?  Show yourself!”

A woman starts humming the Darth Vader theme.  “Duh, duh, duh, Duh duh-duh, Duh duh-duh…”

Vader swings from side to side.  “I SWEAR TO GOD, I’M GONNA—”

Martha Stewart jumps out from the shadows, ripping both arms off the Sith-twisted cyborg.  He screams in agony, just like in the third shitty prequel—“NOOOOOOOO!!!”—before she starts beating the absolute shit out of him with both appendages.  In a matter of seconds, his mechanical body is dented and smashed beyond all recognition. 

“Stay back!  Back, damn you!”  Emperor Palpatine edges away, fingers crackling with Dark Side power.  Darth Maul follows suit, holding his lightsaber out with a trembling hand.

Martha gives a dark chuckle.  “After I was sentenced to federal prison, I dedicated every second to becoming a badass.  Learned Dark Side lightning on my second day there.  It’s not that you don’t have a chance…”  She meets their eyes with a malicious grin. 

“It’s that you never had one.”

Palpatine screams in rage and terror, throwing all his energy into a massive bolt.  Martha swats it away with practiced ease, then extends her hand in a Force-choke gesture.  Instead of cutting off the Emperor’s air, she telekinetically rips off his withered balls—SPLUTCH.  Darth Maul turns to run, but Martha quickly swings her hand toward him, causing the Emperor’s balls to fly into Maul’s mouth. 

“HKKK…”  Maul drops to the ground and clutches his chest, struggling to breathe around the desiccated testicles.  “So…CHEESY…”

“Shut up!” Palpatine yells, tears streaming down his sagging cheeks.  He’s lying on the floor, clutching the void where his balls used to dangle.  “I wash them on a daily—”

Martha blurs forward, chucks him a dozen feet up in the air, then bisects his body—starting at his anus—with a Force-powered uppercut. 

I can’t help but gape as the bloody halves thud to the floor.

Martha, still facing away, cracks her neck in badass satisfaction.  “Come on, Kent—take off your pants and pull out your wiener.  Let’s put those clit-hammering balls to good use, shall we?”

“Yes, ma’am,” I squeak.

OH yeah!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you infiltrated the Sith so you can learn Dark Side lightning, only to be endangered by a shitty twist of fate?  Never fear!  Buy my books and summon Martha Stewart so she can beat the first one to death with his own fucking arms, choke the second one to death on the third one’s balls, then finish things off with an ass-splitting uppercut!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing