I blinks sleepily…then bolt up in bed. My vision hazes into focus. Oh shit–there’s a quartet of ski-masked guys standing above my futon.
“Don’t kill me!” I scream. “My penis is far too delicious!”
“Nah, we got something better in mind.” He nods at his colleague. “Put him inside the virtual reality prison.”
“Wait—what?” I stick an arm out. “No, hold on. What the hell are you—”
They slip a helmet onto my head, then the world goes dark.
DEEP IN THE GRIP OF A VIRTUAL REALITY PRISON…
What the fuck? Am I in stockades? What kind of medieval bullshit—
“Kent! I asked you what you thought about this GODDAMN OTTOMAN!!!”
Oh shit.
“And why the fuck haven’t you bought me another diamond? We discussed this, Kent—you pledged your balls as collateral, and you can be good and damn sure I’m gonna collect!”
Oh NO.
It’s my ex: Irma Horfendorff. She’s taken me out for the one activity that hurts my will to live like nothing else on this blasted Earth:
Shopping.
A couple of Orcs push the stockades, forcing me to keep pace with my former tormentor. My eyes glaze over as she blathers on and on about kitschy knick-knacks. This is worse than a powerpoint. God, if I have to hear another monologue about coasters or thread count—
“KILL ME!” I scream. “JUST KILL ME NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH!” I break into sobs. “Ah-God-please! KIIILLLLL MEEEEEEEE!”
She lifts an eyebrow and replies, “Not until we’ve seen the kitchen appliances. And after that, we have several more stores I want to check out.”
“CHRIST ON A STICK!” I roar. “YOU’RE SICK, YOU HEAR ME??? SICK!!!”
She keeps on yammering, chipping away at my eroding sanity. Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The virtuality reality helmet comes off my head. I’m back in my bedroom, staring at the four fuckfaces that dared to make me go shopping with my ex. Honey badger rage pours through my veins.
“RrrrRUUUAAAHHH!!” I jump up from the bed, uppercutting the nearest one in half. Before they can run, I lunge at another and rip out his throat. The furthest one flees out the door but I manage to pin his unfortunate cohort.
“Please, Kent!” he begs. “Spare me!”
“Can’t…talk. TOO…ANGRY!!!” I rip off his arms and proceed to beat him to death with the bloody stumps.
Never, EVER, make me go shopping with my ex!
Have dastardly intruders forced their way into your bedroom and trapped you inside a hellish reality? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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