A deep, aggro voice bellows, “Knock fucking knock!”  It’s accompanied by rude-ass banging—someone beating the hell out of my condo door. 

“What the fuck?”  I open my door.  A dozen dude-bros in shitty costumes eye me with disdain. 

“Trick or fucking treat,” the first one grunts.  He thrusts out a trash bag.  “Fill ’er up, fuckstain.”

I regard them all with doubt and skepticism.  “You’re in your twenties.  Half of you are rocking a five-o-clock shadow.”  My eyes settle on their leader.  “And you’ve got a full-on beard.” 

“Just give us the candy, goddammit!  What’re you, a fucking socialist???” he snarls. 

I cross my arms.  “Do I believe government should own all means of production?  No.  Do I believe in an ethically oriented balance of power between private ownership and public services that maintains dignity at the lowest levels, while providing opportunity and access to innovators, hard workers, and risk-takers?  Yes.” 

His face goes blank.  “What does that have to do with…”  Then he shouts, “Fuck this guy!  USA!  USA!”  His neander-fuck friends take up the chant.  “USA!  USA!”  He rips off his shirt, Hulk Hogan style, and screams, “GIVE ME THE CANDDDYYYYYY!!!”

As they charge, I fart into my hand, fling it at the horde, and yell, “Cup a’ cheese, bitches!”  Two of them stumble, gagging and clutching their desecrated throats.  In the span of a second, their hair goes white and their faces age several decades. 

Another throws a jab and a cross.  I parry the jab, slip the cross, and fake an overhand.  He braces and blocks, which opens the window for me to shoot in, clinch his waist, and roar with unchecked skull-crushing fury—

“FUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!”

—right before I suplex his ass into the floor.  Unfortunately, the rest of his buddies catch me in the scramble and pin me down. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Their hot-ass moms jump through an interdimensional portal and start beating and haranguing their douche-bro sons.  Some of them have predictable-as-fuck names—Hunter, Brayden, Chastin, Ashford—but a bunch have regular monikers that I would bet my dick are purposefully misspelled:  Jayson, Qris, Patrikk, and the like.

Pretty soon, the horde of douche-fucks are scattered across my condo hallway.   Their moms stand me up and immediately start groping me. 

“Mom?”  Hunter’s eyes widen in disbelief.  “What the hell???”

“This here’s a top-shelf Man Whore!” she crows.  “You think we’d let you injure his upcurved dick?  Absolutely not!”

Brayden’s mom hikes up her skirt and gets on her knees, inviting me to slide right on in.  Invitation accepted!  As I pump away, slappity-slap-slapping, I meet Brayden’s eyes and raise my hand in a triumphant shaka.  “Shit’s tight, brah!  Thanks for not wrecking it on your way out!”

“No!  AH GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!!”  He clutches the air and rages at the sky. 

I accompany my cavorting with saucy beatboxing, heavily influenced by seventies-era bow-chicka-wow-wow.  The rest of them ugly-cry like Will Ferrell at his mid-2000s best, vomit on the deck, or get on their knees and prepare to commit seppuku. 

Yeah, I hate douche-bros, but I can’t say the same for their fine-ass moms.  Those ladies comprise the majority of my clientele…I like to call it the duality of Man Whore. 

Anyways, fuck it (literally, in this case).  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have twenty-something hooligans tried to bully you into giving them handfuls of candy?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their moms, and destroy their souls with a vigorous round of shlorpa-shlorp-shlorp! 

Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing