Superman insistently pats my cheek.  “Wake up, buddy—hey!  Nice underwear!  Little tight, though…I can see the veins on your root and your shaft.  Man, this is cool, I can measure your heartrate by tracking the in-and-out bulge!  What’re you, like 50 beats per minute?  You’re pretty shredded—definitely got an athlete’s BPM.”

“Huh?  Whazzuh?”  I blink and squint, forcing my surroundings into hazy focus.  We’re in a dingy warehouse, lit by a couple of harsh naked bulbs.  My hands are tied behind my back, securing me to a rusted, floor-to-ceiling pole.  “What the—” My eyes widen in fury.  “LET ME GO!”

He throws his head back and laughs.  “You think you can fuck my mom, then doo-bee-doo-bee-doo your way through your he-slut existence?”

“I’m a professional Man Whore!  I didn’t know who she was, she came to ME!”  I strain against my zipties.  No luck.

“We’re gonna have fun, you and me.”  His eyes glow red.  “Gonna heat-vision your frenulum, for starters.  Gotta hold back, though…Bruce wants a piece of you too.  Ever since you threesomed with Selina and Wonder Woman—”

“They paid me!” I sputter.  “None of you capes are packing any goddamn meat!  Jesus Christ, when you’re in skintight undies and your crotch is damn near Ken doll-smooth—”

He holds up a hand.  “Enough.  You’re cutting into our torture time.  Need to get some juicy screams outta you before I call up Bruce and let him get his.”

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I wiggle like a madman, bringing my pocket close enough to my hand to where I can snatch my eReader out of my pocket, then open its display to a Kent Wayne novel and activate its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Lois steps out of an interdimensional portal and puts her hands on her hips.  “Let the Man Whore go.”

Superman responds with a smirk and a chuckle.  “What are you gonna do, Lois?  You know you don’t have a chance in…”  The color drains from his face.  “What the…”  He drops to his knees and clutches his chest.  His cheeks quiver, sweat beads on his temples.  “Kryptonite.”

She lifts up her skirt, revealing a giant emerald penis.  “Made it into a strap-on.”

“Lois,” he manages.  “Don’t…”

“Small-penised psycho.  You think you can torture my favorite fucking Man Whore?  Get ready to reap the green-cocked whirlwind.”  She starts walking toward him.  “First thing I want is a big hawk tuah.  Put your heart into it, or God knows where I’ll put this throbbing jade wiener.”  She throws me a wink and mimes a Call Me with her thumb and pinkie. 

As I get up and flee the nasty-ass warehouse, I can’t help grinning like the cat that got the cream.  That’s what you get for trying to heat-vision my frenulum!

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has a godlike metahuman targeted you for their sick-fuck brand of superpowered torture?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon their Kryptonite-dildoed lady-friend, and kick off your revenge with the classic hawk tuah!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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