“Hey thanks for the invite.  I know I’m new to the Justice League, so I get how big of a deal this—”  As I open the door into Bruce Wayne’s penthouse, I jump back in shock.  “WHOA!  WHAT THE…”

Batman, butt-ass naked except for his doofy-eared cowl, is facing away, hands folded behind his back, staring out the hundredth-floor window.  

After a hanging moment, he rasps, “This city…this city never sleeps.”

“Um…”  I twiddle my fingers.  “Look, I’ll recuse myself from the League, alright?  I’m not into…whatever this is.  Anyways, I’mma leave you to it and be on my—”

“Doors.” 

Vault-like slabs KA-THUNK into place, barring me from fleeing his therapy-deprived ass (think I see a dingleberry in there—GROSS.)  Without turning around, he says, “Your power…it’s unique, to say the least.  I’ve fought gods and titans, mythical demons and interdimensional beings, yet none of their abilities have triggered me like yours.”

“Uh…you mean my prehensile wiener?”  I laugh nervously and rub the back of my neck.  “I mean…it’s 2024.  Weed is for boomers, psychedelics are passe.  Gotta change with the times, you know?  A prehensile dick was bound to appear somewhere along the—”

“It’s not just prehensile.”  His voice hitches and chokes as he suppresses a sob.  “The size and heft…the g-spot seeking curve, complemented by the perfect amount of graduated melanin…”  For a nerve-rending second, I’m afraid he’ll start bawling, but he regains his composure with a shaky breath—“Huh-huh-huh-HUH”— and begins speaking again.  “No one deserves such beautiful genitals.”

A long pause, then:  “No one.”

“Whatever you say man.”  I step carefully back, looking from side to side, trying to figure out an alternative exit.  “Not sure why you’re hating on me, but—”

“WITNESS GOD’S MISTAKE!”  He swivels in place, exposing me to a full shot of his withered sickly peen. 

“AGH!”  I raise both hands in a reflexive attempt to shield my eyes.  “It’s like a zombie-infected hamster tail!”

“I KNOW!” he rages, punching the wall and breaking it into clusters of ruined drywall.  “WHY DO YOU THINK I’M ALWAYS PISSED?  YOU CAN’T GET THIS GOOD WITHOUT SOME SERIOUS FUCKING ANGER ISSUES!  YEAH, MY PARENTS DIED, BUT THERE’S TONS OF ORPHANS OUT THERE—YOU DON’T SEE ANY OF THEM DEDICATING THEIR LIVES TO BECOMING NINJA-GENIUS CRIMEFIGHTING ICONS!”

My eyes narrow in dawning realization.  “It all makes sense…”

“AND WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE SO MANY GIRLFRIENDS???  I CAN NEVER FUCKING SEAL THE DEAL!  THEY ALWAYS RUN WHEN THEY SEE WHAT I’M PACKING!”  He blasts an antique vase with a full-strength punt, shattering it into a million tiny shards.  “And YOU.”  He turns on his heel and marches toward me, quivering forefinger pointed right at my face.  “You humiliate me through your very EXISTENCE!  I’m gonna turn you inside out, then fuck the remains with your own gorgeous-ass dick!”

Holy.  FUCK.  Ever been threatened by a one in ten billion, genius/athlete incel?  Let me tell you, it is straight-up TERRIFYING.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Talia, Selena, and Wonder Woman bust through the windows, surprising us into hunching down and turning away.  When I open my eyes, they’re all lined up—feet spread, hands on their hips.

“Easy there, pimple dick,” Wonder Woman warns.  “You’re not gonna deprive us of this handsome piece of cockmeat.  Not after the bait and switch YOU tried to pull.”  Talia and Selena chime in with, “Mm-HMM,” and “OH yeah.”

“You don’t understand!”  Batman drops to his knees and clutches the air.  “It looks infinitely better after I chub it up!”  I cringe in disgust as he starts bobbling it with his pinkie.  “Just wait for the blood to flow and—”

“Jesus Christ,” Selena winces.  “It’s like you’re playing with an underfed clit.  C’mere Kent.”  She yanks down my pants and unravels my wiener from around my thigh.  “Lemme see that real quick.”  Then she slaps Bruce with my ponderous glans—wh’PAP! 

He rolls onto his side, drool trickling from his unconscious mouth.  The ladies bump knuckles, then Talia throws me a nod and asks, “What do we do with him?”

I shrug in mock-puzzlement.  “I dunno…what’ll you do with me?”

They all exchange a knowing grin.  Which, I’m happy to say, means exactly what you think it means. 

Yep.  Mm-hmm.  Four-way.  HEH heh heh!

Kent Wayne wins again!

😀

Has Batman tried to kill you for upstaging his genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon superhero hotties to defend your nethers, and put Bruce in his button-wienered place! 

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