Ugh…Martha Stewart lured me into her van with pizza, mountain dew, and the most delicious variants of Elmer’s glue, but after using me like a cheap piece of meat on sale at Costco, she kicked my ass out into the unforgiving desert.

Wait…up ahead…is that a camper?  Do my eyes deceive me, or…

No, it’s real!

“Hey!”  I wave my arms above my head.  “HEY!”  A trio of faces peek out from the windows.  I’m too far away to make out details, but one thing’s for sure—I just found a ride out of this godforsaken deathscape!

“Please!  Help!”  I run up to the camper and bang on the door. 

Much to my shock, I’m greeted by the sight of Bill Gates’ bespectacled mug.  He’s rigid with terror, dressed in nothing more than a stained diaper.  

“Elon!” he squeals.  “It’s one of those filthy mud-eating Poors!  He wants to steal our yachts and spaceships!”  He gallops up the camper, burrows into the lap of a shirtless Elon, and proceeds to suckle on a bloated teat.

A stream of piss spatters my cheeks.  “Agggh!  Phhbbbttt!”  I stumble sideways and shield my face, but it stays locked onto me with unerring precision.  “What the—”

“This is more than you deserve, you uncultured troglodyte!”  Jeff Bezos crows from atop the roof.  “My urine is laced with stem cells and caviar!” 

“Jeffrey!” Elon yells.  “It’s unbecoming to deny aid and shelter!  There, there.”  He strokes Bill’s thinning hair.  “I shall protect you from the big mean Poor.”

As Bezos cuts his stream, the door to the camper clicks open.  “What are you guys doing out here?”  I step inside and scan the interior.  Everything’s high-end and fully automated. 

Elon continues stroking Bill’s hair.  “It does us good to roam amongst Poors.  The entertainment value alone makes it unquestionably worthwhile.”

“Uh…okay.”  My forehead wrinkles in mild consternation.  “Anyways, thanks for the save.  I was literally dying out there.  You guys got any water?”

The mogul raises a judgmental eyebrow.  “Jeffrey’s discharge wasn’t enough?”  He waves a dismissive hand.  “No matter.  You needn’t fuss over physical sustenance—your new destination will not require it.”

“What are you talking about?”

He looks down and says, “Oxygen mask, William.”  Bill detaches from his teat, unhooks a wall-mounted O2 mask, and fixes it onto his pasty skull.

I raise both hands and back toward the door.  “I just want some water.  If that’s too much, I’m happy to leave.”

Elon lifts a cheek, squinches his eyes, and lets loose with a long, flubbery beefer.  “OHHHhhhh….”  The camper floods with godawful stank.  The mogul takes a big ol’ whiff, relaxing as his features loosen with bliss.  “It’s how I get my best ideas,” he explains. 

I drop to all fours, overpowered by repulsion and nausea.  All I can do is dry-heave and moan. 

“It also feeds us,” he adds.  “You’ll be the latest Poor to fill our bellies—there’s nothing more delicious than human bacon.”

“Ba…bacon?” I manage.  “BLUURGGGHHH!!!”  My belly seizes and spasms. 

“Indeed.”  Elon cups his mouth and yells, “Jeffrey!  Ensure that our smoker is in good working order!  I’ll cure the meat!”  Bill prances around on all fours, Gollum-style, shrieking, “We makey bakey!  We makey bakey!”

Holy FUCK.  They’re gonna eat me.  No options left, so I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My penis untucks from the top of my sock, unravels from my thigh, then tears off the roof and thrusts into the heavens.  I’m treated to a much-welcome dose of instant ventilation as Elon’s fart disperses in the wind. 

The moguls wail and holler and make crosses with their fingers, as if they were warding off the evil fucking eye.  “You BASTARD!” Elon sobs.  “We can’t bear witness to anything above a low-end micro-penis!  IT’S ALL WE HAVE, GODDAMMIT!”

“IT BURNSSSSSS!” Bezos screeches, clutching the air with both hands.  Blood leaks from his clenched-shut eyes. 

Bill gibbers and shrieks, sprinting to and fro in a four-limbed gallop.  After a couple seconds, he grabs some juts on the wall and violently bangs his head against the hull.

Fuck this—I’m outta here.  I move toward the wheel, but a trio of vans pull up close.  I stop in my tracks as the windows rolls down.

“Hey.”  A soccer mom leans out from the driver’s seat.  “Saw you popping wood from a couple miles back.  That a Man Whore version of the Bat signal or something?”

I rub the back of my neck and offer an aw-shucks smile.  “I don’t know…maybe?”

“Hop in.”  She curls a hand, inviting me aboard.  “Your award-winning upcurve has made many a bucket list.  Can’t wait to sample the eminent he-trollop known as Kent Wayne.”

“Fuck yeah!”  I jog over to their van and slide in the back.  “Come thru with the sampling!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have deviant billionaires assaulted you with excrement and tried to make you into human bacon?  Never fear!  Buy my books, throw them into disarray with your award-winning genitals, then ride off into the sunset with a bunch of lusty paramours!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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