“Check out these nipples!” Elon exclaims, lofting his surgically modified, six-inch milk-spouts.  “And don’t forget about my areolas!  Fuck a pepperoni—these things are as big as a goddamn pizza!  Come get you some a’ this billionaire titty milk!”

Bezos gallops over on all fours, mewling and sniveling like Gollum in heat.  As he latches on to a pebbly chest-dick, Bill Gates declines with a wave.

“No thanks.  I just ate a rack of fetus, heavily seasoned with truffle and cardamom.  You should try it.  It was prepared in a cassowary demi-glace sauce, sprinkled with fragments of Steven Seagal’s neckbeard.”

“Ha!” Elon crows.  “What kind of super-mogul are you?  You need to up the deviance, bro!  MicroSOFT?  More like Micro…”  He cups his chin and tilts his noggin, squinting up and to the right, then shakes his head in mild irritation.  “ ’S why I blew right past you, loser!  You self-owned with your company name!”  He thrusts a triumphant finger at bespectacled Bill.  “NERD!”  Then he reaches down and strokes Bezos, who’s fluttering his eyes and moaning as he gulps down milk.  “There, there—that’s a good Jeff.”

“Why the FUCK AM I HERE???”  I thrash against my polymer restraints, which are keeping me fastened to a cold steel table.  “I don’t have anything to do with your twisted-ass lifestyle!”

Bill strolls over and caresses my hair.  BLEGH.  Ever been fondled by zombified cave-worms?  0 stars, do not recommend.

“Blame the priests of Khalzach and Anakagor.  According to their grimoires, those who sup on a phallus that has pleasured ten thousand woman will receive power and knowledge beyond their ken.”

“AnakaWHAT?” I fume.  “What are you TALKING ABOUT???”

He regards me with a mixture of pity and disgust.  “You’re a run-of-the-mill peon.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”  He clears his throat.  “Boys?  Shall we commence?”

“That’s enough.”  Elon shoves Jeff away, evoking a screech of ear-splitting protest.  “Dibs on the glans!”

“Come on!” I blubber.  “Ten THOUSAND???  My body count isn’t nearly that high!  I’m a professional Man Whore—I’ve got spreadsheets that detail every one of my client interactions!”

Elon snorts.  “Please.  You think that accurately represents your promiscuity?  You’ve pleasured thousands more as a pro bono agent.  Look up ‘he-slut’ or ‘fuck-pig,’ and your face is right there in the motherfucking dictionary.”

Bezos gallops in a frantic circle, bugging his eyes out and braying, “HE-SLUT!  FUCKPIG!”

SHIT.  They’ve got me dead to rights.  No options left.  So I rip an arm free and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

As Elon’s milkers start to elongate, going from six-inch spouts to two-foot cannons, my other restraints turn to dust.  Billionaire titty-milk explodes from his nerps, clipping a support pillar and cutting it in half. 

“I CAN’T CONTROL THEM!” he screams.  “AAAAHHHH!!!”  He tries to cover up with both hands, but the pressure rips them off at the wrist, then decapitates Bezos with an errant stream.  I reflexively duck as Jeff’s head ricochets off the floor, wall, and ceiling—PING PING KA-TANG—before shooting clean through Bill’s sunken chest, leaving him gaping at the see-through hole that’s sprouted in the middle of his torso.

I am OUTTA here!  As I flee the depths of their subterranean lair, Elon howls, “Damn you, Kent Wayne!  DAAAAAAMMMMMNNN YOOOUUUU!!!”

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you been abducted by some rich deviant fucks who intend to feast on your hapless genitals?  Never fear!  Buy my books, turn their titties into industrial-grade cannons, and make your escape in the ensuing destruction!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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