If you’re versed in the nerd world, you know the term “Daywalker” from Blade, arguably the first movie that marked the beginning of the modern day superhero genre.  Ironically, there’s an equivalent in the nerd world as well.  That would be me—one foot in the nerd world, one foot in…well, you can call it what you like.  I’d rather steer clear of tribalism, and let my interests guide me wherever they want to guide me.

Sure, I can blather on about metabolic conditioning, muscle confusion, progressive overload, and macros and micros, but I also played Magic the Gathering as a kid, when my friends and I got tired of generating characters for D&D campaigns we almost never used, ’cause it was way more fun to create characters than calculate a laundry list of modifiers that needed to be applied to different rolls of the twenty-sided die, or think about how my avatar would react to options A B and C. 

So along with my interest in athletic pursuits, I like to visit gatherings of local nerds, hiding my musculature with baggy clothes, distracting from my cheek bones and jaw line with Clark Kent glasses, and snort-laughing along to allay any lingering suspicions. 

Tonight is different—they’re noticeably rattled.  When I ask what’s up, Leonard (the de facto nerd leader) sputters, “Douche-bros have allied with alien Grays!  They’re gonna sacrifice virgins to our ET overlords in exchange for access to human-friendly craft!”

“Uh…really?”  I raise an eyebrow.  “First I’ve heard of this.”

Ronald grabs my collar and yanks me close, bringing me a couple inches away from his pimple-peppered face.  “Spend more time on TOR and Reddit!  Did you hear what he said, Kent?  Virgins!  That’s us, goddammit!  We’re gonna be thrown to a bunch of telepathic sadists!  There’s a reason they probe rectums and mutilate cows!  They—”  He stops and gives me a suspicious once-over.  “Hey…why are you ripped?  When I grabbed you just now…”  Realization dawns in his eyes.  “You’re not a nerd!  Guys!”  He looks from side to side, meeting the gazes of his geek-dork brethren.  “This guy’s a plant—HE’S PHYSICALLY FIT!”  I try and protest, but he seals the case by yanking down my pants and pointing at my dickprint.  “There’s no way he could be one of us!  To hell with a footlong, that thing’s a goddamn giant Jersey Mike’s!”

“Whoa, hey!”  I yank my pants up.  “Come on, man!”  I raise both hands, laughing nervously as I back toward the doorway out of Leonard’s mom’s basement.  “It’s 2023—there’s no need to be so insular and factional!  I can enjoy D&D while powerlifting or rolling with some friendly jiu jitsu practition—”

“GET HIM!” 

I’m swamped by a horde of stereotypical dorks.  I manage to land a jab-cross-hook, but before I can follow with a hip-swinging calf-kick, they smother me in a pile of limbs and BO. 

“TEAR HIS DICK OFF!” Leonard screams. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

Their moms charge out of an interdimensional portal, yanking them off me and shoving them violently away.  “Leave Kent alone!  Why can’t you be like the loveable nerds on Big Bang Theory?  Nobody likes a vindictive incel—it’s the same damn vibe as your frat-bro enemies!  You wanna end up like Elon?”

My would-be attackers exchange puzzled glances.  Leonard gives her an uncertain stare.  “I mean…”

“The answer is NO, you idiot!” she rages.  “His micropenis energy is off the goddamn charts!  Now fuck off so we can have shlorpy coitus with this persecuted Man Whore!”

As the bevy of ladies descend upon me, the nerds look on in utter horror, vomiting, crying, or dropping to their knees while clutching the air in finger-quivering nihilistic rage. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you run afoul of a mob of hater nerds, the Sith lord equivalent of the lovable goofy ones?  Never fear!  Buy my books and make shlorphy-shlorp with their disapproving mothers!

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