Hey-how-ya-doin’. My name’s Lydanthiel, guardian angel of Kent Wayne. I’m pulling overtime, which is just another Tuesday for us GAs. Sorry if I sound a little rushed–I’m juggling Kent’s health, wealth, and goddamn Beta Males, trying to impede his free-dicked lifestyle!
Guardian Angeldom has come a long, long way since we flew around with dorky-ass swords and glowing halos. Right now I’m in a sweet-ass AMECH-X (short for Angelic Mecha, version 10), surrounded by the cool blue glow of aetheric holographics. I’m currently in Phase-Realm 3, which is half-in your physical world, half in the imaginal. My AMECH-X allows me a direct interface into both planes, channeling nonphysical energy into corporeal matter. It’s also fitted with a cutting-edge suite of astral defense mechanisms; they provide some protection against immaterial assailants.
Case in point—GRAMMAR NAZI SPIRITS ON MY GODDAMN SIX! MOTHER OF FUCK!!!
I reach up to a ceiling-mounted grip, pulling it down and twisting sideways. It locks in place with a meaty-sounding CHK-CHANK. Psychic chaff pours from my AMECH’s hip-vents, lighting the astral cloudscape with dual streams of unarticulated concepts. When I glance at my cams, they translate into a series of glimmering emojis.
My pursuers aren’t buying it. They stay right on my ass, chipping at my causal engines with their stereotypically dull-ass objections. On my Earth-side monitor, I see Kent Wayne suffering the side effects: legions of pissants pick at his writing, harping on him for incorrect use of pronouns or italics or whatever-the-fuck-stimulates-a-Grammar-Nazi’s-micropenis.
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
An Independence Day-style beam of light cuts through the aether, funneling down from the astral realm into Kent Wayne’s pants. His wiener goes full-on Godzilla, pee-slit flapping like a windblown flag as it lets loose with a furious roar.
“RUAAAAAHHHH!!!”
As Grammar Nazis burst into his physical home, he spears them through the chest with his unstoppable peen. It’s like watching a xxx Neo; he flips, dips, and skull-fucks his enemies with balletic grace. As I soar into the depths of an Elysium-bound portal, I catch a glimpse of him using his cock like a giant grappling hook—swinging off ledges, trees, and telephone poles to make his escape.
THAT’S what you get for being a nitpicky hater, you Grammar Nazi fucks! Ha HA!
😀
Are unimaginative shit-eaters doing their absolute damndest to fuck your manuscript in its metaphorical ass? Are you fending off a deluge of complaints concerning the improper use of semicolons, or suffering through boring-ass diatribes about the Oxford comma? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
Dirty Sci-Fi Buddha 
I don’t fully understand what the fuck you are blathering on about but I was a grammar nazi English teacher and I think your writing is fabulous and the creative use of language fits the subject written. Slay the Jabberwocky snobs and ee cummings haters. ✍🏻
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Love the fact that you’re standing up for it and throwing the f-bomb at me, haha! You’re in good company–I believe Stephen King was also a Grammar Nazi teacher (high school, I think?) while he was toiling away on Carrie. Thanks so much for the kind words! I’m more trolling my lit PhD friend who adheres to The Rules–always be consistent with pronouns, even if it drags the flow (I’ve noticed popular authors don’t do this; for example, they rely on the scene’s context to use a “she” even though there’s multiple females who could be speaking, but they trust the content and tone of the speech to indicate which “she” they are alluding to), also he pooh-poohed the use of italics to denote personal thought, saying it’s more sophisticated not to. I like doing it both ways, like Stephen King does. He denotes personal thought through regular font, then DIRECT personal thought through italics. I hope all that actually falls in the realm of grammar, adding validity to my point, but my main assertion is that I think it’s great to learn The Rules, but it’s transcendent (divine?) to bend them effectively. And in J. Joyce’s case, with the m-dash replacing quotes, reinventing them completely. 🙂
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