HOLY FUCKING HELL!
I’ve been calling dozens of pizza parlors, searching for a decent NY slice, and they’ve all said the same damn thing:
“We only serve Chicago deep dish.”
AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
Due to my trembling fingers and blurry bitch-tears, it takes me five tries to dial Whole Foods. I ask to be routed to their pizza person.
“Whole Foods Pizza.”
“Do you serve…do you serve…” I can’t get the words out.
“We just switched to Chicago Deep Di—”
“FUCK YOU!” I scream.
I throw my phone against the wall, drop to my knees, and sob into my hands. What the fuck is HAPPENING…
Wait! Gotta dial the source! I grab my phone and call Lombardi’s, whimpering in frustration as the dial tone sounds in my ear.
Come on come on come ON…
“This is the city of Chicago. We know who this is. And yes—you’re fucked, Kent; we’ve annexed every pizza parlor in NYC, along with the wannabes outside the tri-state area. Whaddaya think a’ THAT, fuckface?”
“YOU EVIL SHITS!” I scream into the phone. “YOU GODDAMN MONSTERS!”
“No—NO!” I throw the phone again. This time, it breaks into a sparking mess.
Only one option left. I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
“WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS?” Gandalf appears in a crack-a-boom lightning strike. “WHAT CAUSES THE MAN WHORE OF LEGEND TO CRY LIKE A SNIVELING BITCH-PIG?”
“The pizza, Gandalf.” Long, shiny snot-strings dangle off the end my tear-soaked nose. “THEY’VE MADE IT ALL DEEP-DISH!”
He recoils in horror. “Evil blaggards—how DARE they! Not since Saruman refused to wash his foreskin for a fortnight and a day, have I heard of such a barbaric travesty! This CANNOT STAND!” He closes his eyes, grasps his staff with both hands, and slams its tip against the ground. Reality warps and hazes; the time-space continuum distorts into a nonsensical coil, rendering his next words into a slow-motion cry:
“LET. THERE. BE. N. Y. PIIIIIIZZZZAAaaaaa…..”
And then he’s gone. In his place is a steaming pizza box, with solid black check marks by olives and pepperoni.
Could it be? Did he really…
The box flips open, revealing a cheesy, bubbling masterpiece. YES!
I bury my face in a slice of GobberNoms, crying tears of joy and trying not to stroke my massive boner.
FUCK deep dish! You KNOW I speak the truth!
Has the world gone topsy-turvy, and turned all that was good into the lowest of evils? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜