“Get the fuck out of here!” my dick roars. “Fucking peon!”
“Yes sir! Sorry sir!” The production assistant scurries away from our room.
“Little harsh, don’t you think?” I throw Wiener a pointed look.
“They fucked up the lighting on our last shoot. Made me look like a goddamn sea creature.” Wiener aggressively puffs a half-smoked cigarette, then leans back and shoots me a baleful glare.
“Somebody thinks they’re a Hollywood diva,” I mutter.
Wiener smacks me across the mug—wh’PAP! I tumble off my chair and sprawl across the floor. “What the…” I dab trembling fingers against my lips. Bright red blood shines off their tips. “You…you hit me!”
Wiener looms tall. Makeup lights turn him into a menacing phallic shadow. “I’m the star, bitch. Now gimme the crackpipe! GIMME!”
“You smoke crack?” I give him a disbelieving stare. “Who ARE you?”
“Oh for the love of—” He fishes around in my pants’ pocket and takes out a piece of burn-stained glass. He clamps down on it with his dick-lips, and orders, “Light it, fuckstain.”
“No!” My horror transforms into indignant outrage. “This has gone too damn far! Just because you’re the only sentient penis to win an Oscar—”
“SEVEN Oscars, motherfucker!”
“—doesn’t give you the right to act like a goddamn degenerate! You put that pipe down and—”
“That is IT!” Wiener flings the crackpipe into the wall. It shatters into a mess of broken fragments. “God, why did I have to get stuck with such a worthless host-body? Hope you bought some good insurance—I’m about to show you the back of my glans!”
My diva-star dick is gonna beat me to death. Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My crazy-ass ex, Irma Horfendorff, busts through the door and grabs Wiener’s neck. “Hold the fucking phone! I never got my diamond ring!”
Wiener instantly turns bright purple red. “HHKKK…even if it’s not a conflict diamond, which, by the way, isn’t adequately screened by the Kimberley Process, it’s most likely refined in the city of Surat, where terrible working conditions taint it with the lifeblood of countless third-world—”
“QUIET.” She squeezes harder, causing his veins to bulge into stark relief. “I don’t give a SHIT. DIAMONDS, bitch.”
“All right, Irma.” I laugh nervously. “That’s enough. I can take it from here.”
“Is it?” She raises an eyebrow. “Is it enough?” She squeezes a little harder, earning a strangled-sounding GRRRK from Wiener’s dicklips. For a heart stopping second, I’m convinced his head is gonna pop off his neck.
Then she lets go. Wiener drops to the floor and sucks in a lungful of air—HUUUUHHHHH—then breaks out in a fit of violent coughs.
“Um…thanks, Irma.” I rub the back of my neck.
“No problem.” As she walks out the door, she looks back and throws me a shark-like grin. “He still owes me a diamond fucking ring.” Then she starts humming the piece from Lord of the Rings, the tune that plays when the One Ring entrances its prey.
Kent Wayne wins again…I think?
Have your genitals gone off the crack-smoking rails? Never fear! Buy my books, summon your ex, and let them genitals know what’s up!
Get A Door into Evermoor on kindle here: A Door into Evermoor. Paperback here: A Door into Evermoor, paperback. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1
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Kent Wayne 
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