“You really need me for this?” I ask nervously.  “Isn’t this between you and Neo?”

“Come on.”  Trinity impatiently tugs at my sleeve.  “He’s stared so far up his metaphysical asshole, he’s completely lost touch with corporeal humanity.  All he says is ‘Whoa,’ while binge-watching Ancient Fucking Aliens.  I’m giving him an ultimatum:  I need some dick, or I’m gonna commit seppuku with a crusty ol’ dildo.”

I reflexively wince.  “Couldn’t you do it with something less—”

“That’s the problem with you soft-ass millennials!” she barks.  “Always on your phones, trynna discover new ways to eat someone’s butthole!”

Before I can ask her to clarify the connection between seppuku and analingus, she shoves me into the room with The One.  Just like she said, he’s staring intently at a glowing screen, periodically muttering “Whoa,” under his breath. 

“Here’s the deal!” Trinity snarls.  “Peel yourself away from these stupid-ass shows, or I’m gonna help myself to a piece of this award-winning Man Whore!”  She swings her arm back with golf-driver force, then pitches it forward into my unguarded buttocks.  I stiffen and blurt out a bitch-made “EEP!”

Neo looks disinterestedly at her, then back at the television, punctuating his nonchalance with an indifferent yet predictable, “Whoa.”

“That is IT!” she rages.  “You wanna test me, fucker??”  She unzips my fly and yanks on my dick-root, uncoiling my piece from around my thigh and whipping it out so it flops back and forth between my shins.  “Feast your eyes!  Makes your shit look like a frost-bitten pimple!”

Neo retracts, clawing backward on the sofa with his palms and heels.  “Whoa—WHOA!  No!  Dear God, NO!!!”

“Forget it,” she flaps a hand at him.  “I’mma have me a piece of this upcurve.”  She hefts my glans, appraising it as if it were a perfectly marbled slab of wagyu.  “Look at this thing!  Ah said Gyatt DAMN!”

“Um…”  I hiss nervously through my teeth and glance at Neo; he’s looking me up and down with hatred and disgust.  “Nothing personal, it’s just part of my job…”

Without letting up on his murder-filled gaze, The One deliberately waves his arms and his hands, then settles into a wide-legged stance.  FUCK.  He’s gonna tear me apart and shit on my corpse. 

Fuck it.  No options left.  I reach in my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

A panoply of holograms blink into existence, surrounding him in scenes from his fourth shitty movie.  His typically blank face blanks even more, then he drops to his knees and starts sobbing into his hands.  “You’re right!” he wails.  “It’s shit—IT’S SHIT!!” 

“Should’ve stopped with the first one,” Trinity agrees.  “Come on, he-trollop.”  She meets my eyes and jerks her chin.  “Time for a…what do you call it?  A ‘widening?’  Kinda gross, but it’s also cute in a mischievous kind of way.  Let’s go.”

Can’t say no to a hot AF milf.  I let her lead me out the door, hand around my wrist.  Before Neo disappears from view, I can’t help but throw him a shit-eating grin and say, “Whoaaaaa,” with the same tone I’d use with a self-satisfied “Yeaaaahhhh….”  The One throws his head back, ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell at his mid-2000s best. 

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

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