I used to be a world-renowned, award-winning Man Whore. Now I’ve got ear-hairs, liver spots, and a pathetic scraggle of snowy white pubes. Yeah, my wiener hasn’t shrunk (still wraps around my thigh and tucks into my sock) but it never gets to a hundred percent. Even the finest milf-porn won’t do the trick; I haven’t experienced a raging upcurve in well over a decade. Jerking off is a sad affair, like playing pool with a greasy jump-rope.
I stare at the withered old codger in my bathroom mirror. Time passes so damn fast. One day your dick is in sky-high demand, wearing sunglasses at night and getting comped for bottle service, the next it’s getting ridiculed by TikToking youngsters.
I look down and stare at my raison d’être, my ride or die, my phallic best friend who could’ve starred beside me in a witty buddy cop movie. “I should’ve paid more attention,” I whisper. “I was too busy booking you for thirsty holes, always striving for illusory treasure…a number in a bank account that doesn’t mean shit. But you were always here, in the crotch of my pants—the real treasure was the friend I had with me, all along the way.”
Wiener coughs weakly. I lift him up in my hands. “What is it? Do you need any—”
Then his dicklips start moving: “ ‘And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon…’ ”
I can’t hear the rest; I’m ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell at his mid-2000s best. After five straight minutes of snot-garbled sobs, it occurs to me that this can’t be my fate. There’s no way—entropy can suck my unshaven ass.
I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
BRRZT
Something metallic is on my head, covering my eyes with a wrap-around visor. I knew it! Someone trapped me in a virtual reality, like a shittier knockoff of the already shitty, fourth-movie Matrix! I’m not old—I’m in the prime of my panty-dropping LIFE!
As I grab the sides and lift it up, I hear panicked gibbering all around me. “He’s awake!” and, “How the fuck did—” followed by, “Seize him, you fools!” and, although it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, this wouldn’t be complete without some rando yelling, “HE’S JUST ONE MAN, DAMMIT!”
I’m in some kind of lab, staffed by a gaggle of blithering douche-bros. As they bolt for the door, one of them smacks an alarm, causing the overhead lights to immediately shut off. Flashing red glare and blaring sirens take their place.
“Hey! HEY!” I rip off my restraints, tackle a douche-bro, and slam him onto a nearby desk. “What the FUCK is all this?”
“We can’t compete with you!” He gestures furiously at math-filled whiteboards, volumes of meticulously documented research, and ominously lit, freon-cooled memory banks. “We’ve been trying to find the g-spot for decades! We’ve built sentient AI, mounted expeditions into hollow Earth, consulted with ancient yogis and mystical holy men—WE STILL CAN’T FIND IT! Our only option is to take you out of the equation!”
I release his lapels. “Well yeah—of course you can’t find it. My dick curves upward. It’s like a g-spot-seeking missile.”
“I KNOW!” he bellows.
“And yours is…well I can tell by looking at you, it’s straight-up pathetic.”
“I know,” he sobs. He drops to his knees and starts blubbering into his hands.
“I mean…as long as you know.” I rub the back of my neck and clear my throat. “Have fun with…” I cast a quick look around, “Your g-spot war-room, or whatever this is.”
As I exit the lab, his weeping subsides. So I poke my head in and remind him, “It’s pathetic.” Which causes him to burst into a fresh round of sobs.
That’s what you get for entangling me in a VR hellscape! Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
😀
Have orgasmically inept, frat-bro haters tried to imprison you in a nefarious simulation? Never fear! Buy my books, escape from their trap, and remind them all of their pitifully insufficient genitalia!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 
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Kent Wayne 
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