Grammar Nazi Prime bursts from my closet, wielding a pair of red-ink pens.  I fall from my chair and grab his wrists, preventing him from burying the pens in my eyes.  After a quick back and forth in open guard, I worm a knee between us and pull off a scissor sweep—now I’m sitting atop his chest. 

“What the fuck, man???” I gasp.  “Why do you keep messing with me?”

He drops the pens and bursts into tears.  “No one will fuck me, I’m a self-hating piece of micro-dicked shit, and I can’t help but project that onto creative authors!  I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO—”

I cut him off with a Patton-style slap.  “Get ahold of yourself!  Good God, man—your gerbil-sized penis doesn’t have to keep you from a bout of hole-widening fun!”

He blinks in confusion.  “Really?”

“Come on.”  I grab his wrist and help him up.  “I’ll teach you the ways.”

If this were a movie montage, you’d hear “Build me up, Buttercup” as I spend the next few weeks instructing him in small talk, jiu-jitsu, and brain-melting mushroom trips.  At first he’s nervous, but as time goes on, he starts to gain confidence.

His guard is down.  Today’s the day.  HEH heh heh!

“Hey man.”  I catch his attention with a backhanded flick.  “Ready to meet your soul mate?”

“Absolutely!”  His eyes light up. 

“All righty, here we go.”  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

“Now remember,” I caution, “they’re a perfect match to you, so they’ll share your nitpicky dickhead vibe.”

“Wait, what?”  His brow wrinkles in confusion.  “What’re you—”

An interdimensional portal opens behind him, sucking him in with its asshole-polarized energies.  He grabs the lip with both hands, preventing him from disappearing into its maw.  “WHAT THE FUCK?”  Wind buffets his hair, his legs fly up behind him.  “WHAT DID YOU—”  Then he chances a quick look down.  Blonde-bobbed Karens are climbing the edges, snarling as they scamper towards his micro-dicked ass.  “No.”  His lips part in muted horror.  “NO!” 

A second later, Teddy Roosevelt busts in the room, complete with monocle, cane, and old-timey top hat.  He wags his cane at Grammar Nazi Prime, declaring, “Bully for you, you pang-wangling heartthrob!  You’re finally going to enjoy a bit of coitus!”

“Not like this!” Grammar Nazi Prime screams.  “NOT LIKE THIS!  I’m coming for you Wayne—gonna drench your stories in gallons of red ink!  Not a single phrase will be free from correction—you hear me???  NOT A SINGLE PHRASE!”

“Tut tut!”  Teddy raps GNP’s knucles with the tip of his cane.  “It is not the critic who counts, you anus-breathed scallywag, you heathen piece of sunbaked manure!  Now embrace your fate like a flummadiddling man!”  He escalates into a series of decisive whacks, beating the absolute shit out of GNP’s hands.  It forces him to let go and fly into the portal.

“DAMN YOU KENT WAYNE!  DAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN YOOOUUUUUUUU==”

Shloop!  The portal disappears with a wink and a twinkle.

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have micro-dicked Grammar Nazis projected their insecurities onto your writing?  Never fear!  Pair them with their hellish Karen soulmates!  Then, for an extra bit of crapulous good measure, summon Teddy Roosevelt to administer a jolly sound beating from the unforgiving end of his monsterful old cane!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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