Murrghh…wake up, brew some coffee, sit down at my computer to knock out some words.  Hopefully, myfriendshotmom dot com hasn’t posted any vids.  If they have, you’d best believe I’m gonna stop writing, because my wiener’s coming out so I can I beat it with the fury of a thousand exploding suns—

Steven Seagal tumbles out of my closet, sucking his own peen in a disgustingly impressive feat of yogic contortion. 

“WHAT THE—”

Before I can finish, he splooges into his own mouth.  “Disappointing,” he mutters.  “That was disproportionately more like sucking a dick than getting a blowjob.”

“YOU WERE IN MY CLOSET!” I sputter.

“Being weird and creepy enhances my orgasm.”  He gets to his feet, digs around in his neckbeard, then sniffs his funk-desecrated fingers.  “Have a whiff.”  He holds them out to me.

“NO!”  I sprint out the door, desperate to flee from his repulsive presence.  He’s right behind me; I can hear his feet pounding the floor. 

Suddenly, he stops and bellows, “Karens—TO ME!”

All throughout my condo complex, blond-bobbed ladies stop binging megachurch and pour out from doors and windows.  Seagal throws his arms back as they transform into streaks of pure Karen-energy and assimilate into his gross-ass being.  In less than a second, he expands into a towering, three-hundred-foot giant and booms:

“MAN-A-GERRRRR!!!”

As I sprint across sidewalk and asphalt, his mammoth gait cracks the pavement, causing me to stumble with each bone-quaking step.  Ten seconds into my headlong flight, my cellphone starts ringing.  I instantly recognize the encrypted number.

“Mr. President!” I gasp.  “Steven Seagal has combined with dozens of Karens and—”

“I’ve already deployed a wing of fighter jets!  The intel nerds are saying if we don’t stop him soon, we’re in for something a hell of a lot worse than Tetris with cheese!”

“ ’Tetris with cheese?’  What does that—”

“Just stop him, dad gummit!”

I click off my phone, just in time to spot a pair of jets, coming in hot with missiles and cannons.  Ordnance sparks harmlessly off his chest.  He responds, “MAN-A-GERRRR!” sending a focused wave of Karen-energy at the oncoming planes.  The pilots inside spontaneously explode, splattering the cockpits with brains and viscera.

Fuck.  FUCK.  No options left.  So I  open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Gary Busey front-rolls out of an interdimensional portal, dressed in a pair of stained whitey-tighteys.  “Someone call for me?”  He pops up and glances cagily around.  As soon as he spots Steven Seagal, he snaps his fingers in triumphant epiphany.  “Leave it to me!  Just got finished doing a set of squats!”  Then he rips off his squat-ripened undies, and throws em at the Karen-strengthened Seagal. 

No one can withstand the smell of Busey doing squats.  Case in point—when the undies make contact with Steven’s skin, he clutches the air and howls in agony.  His bones and muscles begin twisting and writhing, snapping and breaking in seizure-like spasms.

“That’ll do ya!”  Gary Busey puts his hands on his hips, punctuating his statement with a satisfied nod.  Meanwhile, Seagal melts into a puddle of goo-ified flesh. 

Kent Wayne wins again…I think?

Has a horrible pervert jerked off in your closet, then absorbed the evil of dozens of Karens?  Never fear!  Buy my books, summon Gary Busey, and stop said pervert with his squat-brined undies! 

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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