What the Berserker Oral is happening, all you spread-legged deviants who’re getting lapped and sucked with seizure-inducing speed, holy fuck your left leg is twitching like a flea-bitten dog whose getting scratched on The Spot, your face is all scrunched, your lips are all puckered, cheeks are super red, loss of bodily functions soon to follow REE, REE, REE abort goddammit ABORT—

Don’t.  FART.  Christ man, you can’t go straight to Berserker Oral!  Gotta work your way up with a balanced rhythm!  Little bit of gagging, little bit of slow-head, set to some relaxing nineties soft rock…

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀

What the flipside-blumpkin is happening, all my fellow men-folk who have suddenly realized that blumpkins work both ways, and now you’re kneeling before your toilet-seated partner, lips trembling as a single tear runs down your cheek and you die a little more inside with each passing second, but your partner has no mercy; they express an evil laugh and grab the back of your head right as you scream THERE IS NO GOD—

And THAT, my friends, is why you stay the hell off urban dictionary!  Stick with the classics, lest you lose yourself in a dark underworld of ramen yarmulkes, bob-sleds, and Mississippi bird baths!

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀

What the Berserker Oral is happening, all you spread-legged deviants who’re getting lapped and sucked with seizure-inducing speed, holy fuck your left leg is twitching like a flea-bitten dog whose getting scratched on The Spot, your face is all scrunched, your lips are all puckered, cheeks are super red, loss of bodily functions soon to follow REE, REE, REE abort goddammit ABORT—

Don’t.  FART. 

Christ man, you can’t go straight to Berserker Oral!  Gotta work your way up with a balanced rhythm!  Little bit of gagging, little bit of slow-head, set to some relaxing nineties soft rock…

Anyways, now that I’ve got your attention, let me direct it towards my various-genred books!  First up is my YA fantasy:  A Door into Evermoor.  If you’re hankering for some psychedelic high school fun with a giant side of interdimensional monsters and teen genius hijinks, check out Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl!  If you want a big ol’ helping of robot vs. wizard pew pew, along with an extra serving of existential philosophy, check out my science fiction series Echo!  And don’t forget to leave a positive review for them!  Positive reviews—even though they only take a minute or two of your time—are like $1000 tips for us indie authors.  Every one of them is SUPER appreciated!  #WritingCommunity

🙂 🙂 😀