[To me, my X-men!]
Professor X’s mental command thunders through my mind. I bolt up in bed and start running toward his study, dressed in my Star Wars jammies, humming the theme to the ’90s X-men cartoon under my breath.
(da nanana naaah na nah. Da nanana naaah na nah. Da nanana naaah na NAH—nahnah.)
I burst into his study and skid to a stop. He peers at me from behind his desk, his fingers tented together in front of his chest. Cyclops, Wolverine, Jean Grey (hoachi mama she’s purdy!) and Beast are standing in a loose semicircle, arms crossed, directing stony glares toward Yours Truly.
“Kent.” Professor X wheels out from behind his desk. “My staff have expressed some concerns about your behavior.”
“I only boobytrapped ONE student’s doorknob with boogers and poop! This is madness! I demand legal coun—”
“That was you?” The professor cocks his head. “Hmm. Interesting.”
Cyclops mutters, “Disgusting,” under his breath.
“Nevertheless,” the professor continues, “your recent admission is simply one of many in a long line of egregious offenses. Your mutant ability—prehensile genitals—offers no perceivable benefit to the betterment of mutantkind. Kent, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to—”
“The fuck are you TALKING about??” I shout. “You telling me this doesn’t impress you?” I yank down my pants and make my wiener snake through the air. Cyclops and Wolverine wince and turn away. Beast mutters, “Oh my stars and garters.” Jean Grey, meanwhile, doesn’t say a word. She simply coughs into her first and glances embarrassedly off to the side. As her face turns beet-red, a trickle of drool slips from the corner of her mouth. She wipes it away with the back of her fist.
(MM-tst MM-tst MM-chika MM-chika yeaaahhhh….)
“KENT!” the professor shouts. “Put that blasted thing away! No one wants to see you perform party tricks with your unwashed genitals! My God man—they smell like year-old limburger!”
I wrap it back around my waist and tie it off with a square knot. “A contest, then!” I thrust a forefinger into the air. “Let us joust in the Danger Room! I’ll PROVE I belong here through physical combat!”
The professor presses his palms against his eyes, utterly exasperated, and voices a long, drawn-out sigh.
A SHORT WHILE LATER:
I duck under Beast’s claw, and somersault over Cyclops’s three-angled optic blast.
Wolverine snarls and pounces, but I manage to dive under his legs while he yammers on about how “he’s the best at what he does, and what he doesn’t isn’t very pretty.”
Finally, Jean Grey extends an arm and stops me mid-air with her telekinesis. As she flips me upside down, the others cease their attack. They walk up to me, shit-eating grins plastered onto their faces.
“I guess a giant wiener doesn’t help you in battle, does it Kent?” Cyclops snidely remarks.
“You wouldn’t know,” I retort. “And neither would Jean, unless she’s thinking about some other dude she’s been with. Bro, I’ve seen you wear some tight-ass spandex but somehow, you manage to look exactly like a Ken doll—all smooth and sexless. Where’s the bulge, man?”
He clenches his fists and starts toward me. “Why YOU LITTLE—”
“SCOTT!” Jean’s voice rings through the air. “Kent is a STUDENT!”
He points a trembling finger at me. “This isn’t over, Wayne.”
“No it’s not,” I agree, and reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My wiener uncoils and roars in anger. Machine-gun laser fire begins pouring from its tip, raking my enemies with an unending barrage of weaponized light. Cyclops and Beast yelp in panic and run for the door. I manage to score hits on both their asscheeks. They swear loudly and limp the last dozen yards out of the Danger Room.
“RUN HOME!” I yell. “RUN ON HOME AND CRY TO MOMMA! AHAHAHAHA!!!”
Wolverine charges at me but my wiener swivels toward him, and—
CHOOM CHOOM CHOOM CHOOMY MC-CHOOMSKIES
—reduces him to a smoking, skeletal husk.
Jean Grey releases me from her telekinetic freeze and starts running toward me. At the same time I triple-somersault down from the air. I land in an anime-style crouch, then shoot to my feet as she grabs me by the shoulder, and—
—then I swing her down like some suave-ass WWII doughboy, and plant a juicy kiss on her beautiful lips. She kisses me back, moaning hungrily into my mouth. From the corner of my eye, I see Cyclops in the monitoring room, tears streaming down from the bottom of his visor. One hand is clutching his laser-burnt asscheek, while the other is clenched into a fist, pounding against the reinforced glass.
Ha HA! There is NO FREAKIN’ WAY I’m gonna let Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters persecute big-wienered writers! Come on man—this is 2018! Ain’t no room for bigotry up in the X-Mansion!
Your favorite author (and perennial Man Whore) Kent Wayne wins again! 😀
Have your supposedly tolerant mutant teachers turned against you in a fit of genital envy? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜