Between running on my wheel to power Kent’s brain, and supervising the functions of his muscular body, I am straight up EXHAUSTED.

That’s right—I’m the furry rodent inside his noggin.  Widely known as True Hamster.

You may think of him as a lumbering he-slut, but it may surprise you to know that his natural IQ doesn’t sit below annoyingly chilly, office room temperature.  He’s perceived as dumb because of his sentient penis, who’s constantly jockeying for control of his autonomic functions and core beliefs.  If not for me, Kent would be Man-Whoring 24/7.  If not for his penis, he would have solved world hunger, unified general relativity and quantum mechanics, and invented a pill that makes bdussy smell like fresh-baked cake.

I’ve made him shower, clean his belly button, and launder his sheets (to no one’s surprise, getting him to do so is like pulling fucking teeth).  Now I can relax, get a bite to eat, then—

Alarms start wailing.  “REEE!  REEE!  REEE!  ATTENTION, TRUE HAMSTER:  KENT WAYNE’S PENIS IS STAGING A REBELLION!  PREPARE TO REPEL AN ONSLAUGHT OF LUST!”

Mother of FUCK.  According to the monitors, he’s watching myfriendshotmom dot com.  Wiener is capitalizing on his penchant for soccer moms; he’s been charged by a surge of milf-assisted boner-power. 

The upcurving head appears on my screens.  “BOW BEFORE THE WIDENER!” it bellows.  “YOU CANNOT RESIST THE ALMIGHTY WOMB-HAMMER!”

This is bad—he’s referring to himself in the third person, using self-ascribed nicknames.  That only happens when he’s extra confident. 

I busily work my cerebral controls, flicking dials and levers at breakneck speed.  Unfortunately, none of it works.  Slowly but steadily, Kent’s IQ continues to drop.  When it hits 42 (not that far down, in case you’re wondering), he opens the scheduling app on his phone.  He’s booked for appointments four months out.  If he compresses his schedule and caters to vajeen without rest or hydration, it won’t be long before he looks like a thousand-year old mummy.

“CEDE YOUR LOSS, TRUE HAMSTER!” Wiener booms.  “KENT IS MINE, YOU HEAR ME?  MINE!!!”

Sure enough, Kent’s dialing a client.  The speakers crackle with his Neander-fuck voice, made all the more stupid by the lack of blood in his speech modulation centers:  “Holes…now…” he mumbles. 

A glimmer of hope sparks in my mind.  If his client has a scheduling conflict, or, better yet, is turned off by his dumbass voice…

“Yes, I AM available!” the lady chirps.  “Gimme an hour and I’ll head to your place!  WHOO!”  I can’t see her fist-pump, but I can hear it in her tone.

FUCK.

The phone clicks off.  Kent drools and stares vacantly at nothing.  “Holes…”

“HA!” Wiener crows.  “THAT’S ONLY THE FIRST!  SOON, THIS ENTIRE BODY WILL OBEY ME WITHOUT QUESTION!  PREPARE TO DIE, TRUE HAMSTER—ALL YOUR NUTRIENTS ARE BELONG TO US!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I switch on Kent’s book-idea repository, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

His optical centers spark with snapshots of Karens, flooding his cerebrum with short blond bobs, wagging fingers, and merciless requests to see the supervising manager.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???” Wiener screams.  “THIS HURTS US BOTH!”

“Don’t I know it.”  I grin savagely at Wiener through our cognitive video-link.  “But you know as well as I do that first and foremost, he’s meant to be an author.  Pleasing soccer moms is a damn close second, but writing takes precedence.  You know it, I know it…the world knows it, asshole.”

“FUCK YOU!” Wiener wails.  “DAMN YOU, TRUE HAMSTER!  DAAAAMMMMmmmmnn yooouuu….”

The Karen energy shrinks Wiener down to a withered nub.  He once looked like a baby’s arm holding an apple, now he looks like a stunted acorn.  Yes, Karens hurt my fucking soul, but I serve the host-body, unlike that pendulous (under normal circumstances, anyway) fucking traitor between Kent’s legs. 

True Hamster wins again!

😀

Have your genitals conspired against your loyal brain-hamster?  Never fear!  Buy my books, thrash that would-be usurper with Karen energy, and regain control of your cognitive faculties!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

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