Yet another weird ad for my novels

“The fuck do you want?  You kicked me out of the goddamn order.”

Force Ghost Obi-Wan exchanges an uncertain look with Force Ghost Luke, then clears his throat and begins to explain.  “It’s Anakin.  He’s gone off the rails.”

“Again?”  I scratch my nuts, sniff (not too bad, little bit o’ musk) and sit up on my futon.  “He’s a motherfucking ghost.  How the hell could he ‘go off the rails?’ ”

Luke sighs.  “He wants another chance at life, only with full knowledge of everything he did, so he can shape our history to fit his wishes.  Accordingly, he’s traveled back in time and re-inhabited his fetal body.”

“Whoa.”  I give him a disbelieving look.  “He’s gonna grow up as a super-intelligent infant, then alter events with his knowledge of the future?”

Obi Wan nods.  “And in so doing, life as we know it will cease to exist.”

“Which brings us to you,” Luke continues.  “You have a way with mature women.  We were hoping you could convince my…”  His face twists in revulsion, but he manages to control it.  “My grandmother to take him to Dagobah, where Yoda—still alive in our past—can expel future Anakin from the fetus, and protect our timeline from total obliteration.”

“Me?”  My forehead wrinkles in confusion.  “I was kicked out of the order for seducing hot moms…and now you want me to seduce your grandmother?”

Luke clenches his fists and stares at the ground, lips trembling in held-back rage.  Obi Wan shoots him a quick, concerned glance.  “If at all possible, we would prefer you don’t engage in coitus—”

I raise an eyebrow.  “That’s a tall fucking order.  Hot moms gravitate to my wiener like—”

“—but if it is a matter of LAST RESORT…”  He squinches his eyes, hisses through his teeth, then shakes his head in resignation.  “Then do what you must.”

Luke chokes back a sob. 

“I’ll wrinkle space-time.”  Obi-Wan raises his hands and splays his fingers.  “Sit this one out, Luke.  And try not to think of your grandmother with…yeah.”

I resist the urge to clap my hands and rub them together.  Yes!

SEVERAL DECADES EARLIER…

I materialize on the periphery of a Tatooine market, and immediately lock eyes with Shmi Skywalker.  She startles in place and slaps a palm to her heart.  “Oh my!”

“Hey, what’s up?” I ask hurriedly.  Before she can answer, I blurt, “Your future evil son has Dark Side mind-ported into your fetus.  He wants to redo his life and assfuck the future.  We have to find Yoda so he can kick out his future consciousness and—”

[Too late!  I put him in a coma!] Anakin telepathically crows from inside Shmi’s womb.  [I had to use up my Dark Side reserves, but just you wait—I’m growing stronger by the minute!  It won’t be long before I rip him apart and put an end to your plan!]

“Shmi, did you hear that?” I ask.

“Yes, but…”  She stutters and stammers, then manages, “Who are you?”

“A concerned citizen and professional Man Whore.  We have to stop future Anakin.  But without Yoda…”  I clench my fists and shake my head.  “Dammit!” 

Then I remember:  I have one last card to play; I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Shmi straightens, snapping her fingers in a lightbulb epiphany.  “If we induce enough trauma, he might leave of his own accord!”

“What are you suggesting?” I ask doubtfully.

She grabs my hand and strides toward a hut.  “This way,” she orders.

As soon as we’re inside, she grabs my crotch and kisses me hard.  “Whoa!” I protest.  “What are you doing???”

“Shut up,” she growls.  “You’ll understand soon enough.”

“All right, but you might want some lube and maybe some cocoa butter.  I’m pretty damn girthy…”

She steals my breath with another kiss and continues to undo my buttons and zippers.  Pretty soon we’re banging like a couple of horned up teenagers.

“What does this accomplish?” I gasp.  “Not that I’m complaining, but—”

Then I hear Anakin from inside her womb:  [Whoa!  HEY!  No, that is DISGUSTING!]  His revulsion comes through our psychic link, along with a hazy impression of my wiener throttling toward his face—the most horrific POV you could ever imagine. 

“It’s working!” she pants.  “Hit it from the back!”

“Doggy style it is!”  We get on our knees and I start slappa-slapping away like my life depends on it, (which, in this case, it actually does)

As Shmi moans in orgasmic pleasure, Anakin rages, [That is my MOTHER, you troglodyte!  HOW DARE YOU!!!]

[How dare YOU, motherfucker?] I rasp.  Then I grin.  [Actually, I should call you something else—right now, I’m the literal definition of that goddamn word.] 

“We need to up the ante and blow a load in his eyes!” Shmi yells.  “Quick—what’s the easiest way to make you cum?”

“Get on top!” I shout.  We reposition and start humping away.  [Here it comes, you Stewie Griffin knockoff!]

[No!  Don’t you—oh God, I CAN’T!!!!]  Future Anakin flees from the womb, leaving my timeline whole and intact.  Too bad, because I grab Shmi’s ass and—

HHNNGHH!

Kent Wayne wins again! 

😀

Is Anakin Skywalker trying to assfuck your present by hiding in the past and re-doing his life?  Never fear!  Buy my books and put him in his place with a faceful of jizz! Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommuni

44 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

  1. Anyway i thought the whole point was to bring a child in to a happy home, writhe and rock away to help them sleep! really would be ruining your life going in with no time served for twenty years labour! Hense for Military, Pc or deliverance i had sections! I do not need to please a dark seat by smashing it up, catching the worlds filed attenders! adopting them with my best friend for others! knowing by week one if you fail to attend some adonis with tantric specialism exchanges your place as she sleeps, or you never play again! ohh yes i get it! lol professional catching mitts!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. laughing is best in pure satisfaction! like waiting 40 years to get all your molevolent mates into successful roles and then granting them their records as they get prepped to recieve their backwards jackets raising the light is more difficult than you think! but you do get to lock them in work!😋 🍑 who needs apples,just peachy baby! I just took 15 yrs worth of light to parliament and got their gossipping key lines to grant them their house records! i think i just socked a few thousand myself!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s