Long ago, my name Kent Wayne. I eat Cheeto and dorito. Drink mountain dew and feast on pizza. Make love to soccer moms, and earn good money for Man Whore smashies. Then zombie virus run amuck, and I try to hide from ugly biters. They chase me down and bite bite bite. Bite my neck, bite my butt, bite my big girthy wiener and make into ravaged little dangle, smaller than tiny sad link of gray Jimmy Dean.
That hurt most. Award-winning wiener deserve much better. World need upcurve and hole-stretching girth.
Refuse to eat human, but really really hard. I wander around and moan and groan. Super slow because no eat people. Sometimes try to jerk zombie-fied wiener, but much too floppy—like playing with pool with piece of string. Occasionally, watch myfriendshotmom dot com, but hurt too much. Deep in Kent’s mind, Kent remember what it like to go buck nuts wild with horned up soccer mom. Balance several shots on hole-stretching wiener, then soccer mom pick up with mouth and chug-a-lug-lug. Decorate glans with many accessories—favorite was Batman mask and Santa hat—then dance night away. Me, Wiener, and chug-a-lug-lug soccer mom. So much fun and boner-ific joy.
But over time, wiener keep shriveling and crumbling. No soccer mom want it now, not when it look like sick little hamster tail.
Sigh. Oh well. At least I have eReader.
Wait…eReader use to have magic power. If I open to Kent Wayne novel, maybe I activate. So I open eReader and magic flash.
Huh. No do nothing. Worth a shot. Maybe one day, they find cure and—
Knock knock knock.
Who could be? Brow crinkle in puzzlement, then door open, revealing best client of all time: Soccer Mom Prime. I try to explain that Wiener no work, but all that come out is: “Hurrrr…Buhhh….”
Soccer Mom Prime wave dismissively. “We found a cure. Unfortunately, it’s physically inside you.” She snap on rubber glove, then follow up with knowing nod.
Wait. No like where this is going. Cure inside body? Holes are for exit! Exit only, Zom dammit!
I get up and shamble away. “Ruuuhhh…Gruuuhhh…”
No use. Soccer Mom Prime easily catch up and give me exasperated look. “Come on, Kent—it’s 2022. Everyone and their mother is into buttplay. Just relax and it’ll be over soon.”
No! Very sensitive around crinkled starfish! Go away, browneye invader! Do not touch rusty bullet hole!
SMP shake head in disgust, then cock arm back like softball champ. “Here goes. Try and relax.”
Help! Rather be zombie than fingerblast anus with roto-rooter phalange! Cannot believe it has come to thi—shloop!
SMP withdraws her finger. Along with my faculties, my skin and muscle begin to regenerate. In a matter of seconds, I’m back to my big-donged self.
“Wow…” I stare at my hands, turning them back and forth in utter astonishment. “I’m…me.” I look up at SMP. “Thank you.”
“De nada,” she says, putting her hands on her hips. “The rest of the world is already cured. Let’s get back to living, shall we?”
“Uh…okay.” I rub the back of my neck. “What do you want to do?”
She gives my knee-knocking wiener a pointed look. “What do you think?”
I raise my hands, a gesture that says slow your roll. “Keep your fingers out of my butt.”
Her smile grows devilish. “No promises.”
I chew my lip…then acquiesce with a shrug. “I’m gonna charge double. Triple, actually.”
She waves me off. “Whatever.”
Triple the pay and smashes with Soccer Mom Prime??? Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
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