I point my laser pointer at the various wieners I’ve drawn onto the Powerpoint slide. “So as you can see, according to my doodles, length is no longer the decisive factor in penile preference. Girth and color play a part as well. While being fucked in half is by no means pleasurable, folks enjoy a happy middle ground, which means they’re all about a vigorous widening. Growing consensus states that although color is purely an aesthetic factor, no one wants to accommodate a pale length of tissue that strikingly resembles a baby molerat.” I push my fake glasses up my nose and clear my throat. “Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.”
A lady in the audience screams, “Enough of this bullshit! LET US SEE IT!”
I nervously adjust my tie. “Ah…I’m not really sure if…”
Everyone begins chanting, filling the packed auditorium with rhythmic demand: “Show us the COCK! Show us the COCK!”
I hold up both hands. “PEOPLE OF TED TALK!” The audience immediately quiets. “I will let you gaze upon my meat. But know this: you may require immediate rehydration, as your salivary glands and juiced-up holes will kick into overtime.” I unzip my pants, my wiener unravels—thwip-thwip-THWIP—then dangles and bounces between my knees. “Behold!” I proclaim. I follow up by humming Also Sprach Zarathustra, the iconic opening music from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
The audience goes wild, cheering and hooting. And just like I predicted, the seats are immediately drenched in bodily fluids. At first I’m proud, but then I feel a pang of vague alarm. The sea of fluid is ankle deep; it’s rising faster than it can exit.
“Security?” I look around as fearful murmurs ripple through the audience, now waist-deep in fluid. “SECURITY?” I laser in on a dead guard, floating face down in the ocean of Nasty.
Oh. SHIT.
Panicked screams erupt throughout, as people are swallowed by ripcurrents or thrashed by swells. Pretty soon, the stage is swamped—I’m flailing desperately around, trying not to drown.
“KENT!”
I look up at the ceiling. Batman’s hanging from the rafters, extending his gauntleted hand.
“Can’t reach!” I shout. “Any grapnels left?”
“I used them up escaping from Clark! Lois was tired of missionary, so she called me, and…” He shakes his head, frustrated. “God DAMMIT!”
Fuck it. No options left. I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My club-like penis extends past my legs, growing dozens of feet in less than a second.
“Perfect!” Batman exclaims. “Throw me your wiener!”
“Soccer moms only, fuckface!” I retort. “This is 2022—you grab my wiener and I’ll see you in court!”
“Don’t be a fool! You’re about to drown!”
I shoot him a rakish grin and rasp, “You don’t know me, son.” Then I envision all the times I’ve boffed super hot soccer moms (if this were a movie, the camera would zoom in on my pupil and transition into a sex-heavy montage) and stab my boner into the stage, using my wiener like a giant pole-vault. Up, up I go and—
“—GOTCHA!” Batman grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me onto the roof. “Resourceful as ever, Kent.”
I put my hands on my hips and nod in agreement. “Thanks, man. Hey, I was wondering…maybe I could hit on some of your exes? A bunch of ’em have given me big-time fuck-eyes, so…”
Batman gives me a suspicious once-over. “Maybe…who are we talking about?”
“Selena?”
“No.”
“Diana?”
“No.”
“Clark’s mom?”
Batman startles in place. “How did you know I—” Then a grin spreads wide across his face. “Abso-fucking-LUTELY.”
Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
😀
Have you shown your genitals to a thirsty audience, and now you’re in danger of drowning from their juices? Never fear! Buy my books and boner-vault out of there! Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!
#Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity
This post was tasteless, vulgar, inappropriate and crude.
Two thumbs up. Would recommend.
Congrats on hooking up to the Bezos Train.
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Haha! One of the best compliments ever. Thankyew!
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So, did you model for Minx?
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I’m kind of low-key. Sometimes I’ll step in for an anaconda, if the snake handlers can’t make it for whatever reason. I do a lot of stuff for polish sausage shoots and logging companies. 🤣
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😂🤣🤭
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When I click on door to evermore I reach the echo series. Maybe it’s a faulty link.
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Crap. I think I fixed it.
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Fella had him a pecker like a doorknob. Woman din’t know what she thought of it till she couldn’t get off. Ya see, the damn thing worked just like a fuckin button…
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WTF haha everytime :}}}
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Moo hoo ha ha! 😁
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I do love how you make me smile and giggle out loud! xoxo
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Loving the compliment! If you come to my Ted Talk, bring a life preserver! 🤣
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Oh lord!!! 😀
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😏
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Stifler strikes again! i’ll be your missionary, should have chosen a boat and some floats! Something about riding and zoro!
All fodder to wind up the men folk!💋
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No comment you must be unwell! would you like some soup, a massage! a stiff drink maybe! You missed breakfast maybe i can catch you for tea in a net, what film do you like to watch, some good films on Netflix created from my mind! That loosely incorporate narrative and the naughty book!
Quietly satisfied i thought you were a brown bread! You need to write more narrative, i read some vice posts and thought of you! Now where did i leave my nuns outfit!
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I don’t drink, but the massage sounds great! HEH heh heh! 😏
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you should then if you die i have a central body to clear your demons!
On completion of passage i can put you through the pyramid shave of your extended obstructive brothers and take your body as my own! Too much information abort abort! lol
Thats how i got my last husbands body post jurisdictional death on marriage!
or i could reverse parameters and just play with you for an eternity! preference! My kind of mental foreplay! lol
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I’ll opt for the play. Just remember I like a slurpy beej! 🤣
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Lol! I come first remember you earn your celebration, lest saliva more sensation…
honestly clean up on isle horny!
You were in Buddhist central or a Greek god, you would have recieved already! lol😉
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It’s hard for me to bust so whoever I’m with always cums first…😅
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sounds great really selfless! removing grandad from your arse usually helps! tantric receipt doubled back to you! lol🤦♀️deep clean on isle one! whoever i am with…oh dear!
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I need a good wedding! night off and several hours post party to salaciously use my husbands body for my entertainment!
Unless you are good at body snatching damn warlocks!
No way forward i will just have to make you my wife! lol
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Do it! I’ll be the one wife that’ll pull your hair while hitting it from the back! 😂
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I told you it is great for balance! i reckon you’d be a shocked one slider! best make you safe or it would be a short life! practice makes perfect and why does that sound more of a baseball reference than loving! Foreplay for me is cuffing you and attaching ropes soon as you misbehave i am gonna pull you back! bit like that drinking game on elastic ropes! lol😜
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I don’t mind–I’m all about being ridden! 😏
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You are cheeky! now where did i put my whip! lol
😜 immaculate not dead! …. ridden you say its been a while since i minded such events! this naughty cat i found may just find you purrrfect! lol
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Neither do i! lol your not brave enough!💋
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I believe I am! 🤣
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I believe i would let you! as long as your fine with replacing your crazy entourage with my movies and music husbands, wait no that’s how he ran off last time…weighted a holes! they can just tether in i will sext them later! lol
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you awake lol!
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