Yet another weird ad for my novels

I point my laser pointer at the various wieners I’ve drawn onto the Powerpoint slide.  “So as you can see, according to my doodles, length is no longer the decisive factor in penile preference.  Girth and color play a part as well.  While being fucked in half is by no means pleasurable, folks enjoy a happy middle ground, which means they’re all about a vigorous widening.  Growing consensus states that although color is purely an aesthetic factor, no one wants to accommodate a pale length of tissue that strikingly resembles a baby molerat.”  I push my fake glasses up my nose and clear my throat.  “Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.”

A lady in the audience screams, “Enough of this bullshit!  LET US SEE IT!”

I nervously adjust my tie.  “Ah…I’m not really sure if…”

Everyone begins chanting, filling the packed auditorium with rhythmic demand:  “Show us the COCK!  Show us the COCK!”

I hold up both hands.  “PEOPLE OF TED TALK!”  The audience immediately quiets.  “I will let you gaze upon my meat.  But know this:  you may require immediate rehydration, as your salivary glands and juiced-up holes will kick into overtime.”  I unzip my pants, my wiener unravels—thwip-thwip-THWIP—then dangles and bounces between my knees.  “Behold!” I proclaim.  I follow up by humming Also Sprach Zarathustra, the iconic opening music from 2001:  A Space Odyssey. 

The audience goes wild, cheering and hooting.  And just like I predicted, the seats are immediately drenched in bodily fluids.  At first I’m proud, but then I feel a pang of vague alarm.  The sea of fluid is ankle deep; it’s rising faster than it can exit. 

“Security?”  I look around as fearful murmurs ripple through the audience, now waist-deep in fluid.  “SECURITY?”  I laser in on a dead guard, floating face down in the ocean of Nasty. 

Oh.  SHIT.

Panicked screams erupt throughout, as people are swallowed by ripcurrents or thrashed by swells.  Pretty soon, the stage is swamped—I’m flailing desperately around, trying not to drown. 

“KENT!” 

I look up at the ceiling.  Batman’s hanging from the rafters, extending his gauntleted hand. 

“Can’t reach!” I shout.  “Any grapnels left?”

“I used them up escaping from Clark!  Lois was tired of missionary, so she called me, and…”  He shakes his head, frustrated.  “God DAMMIT!”

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

My club-like penis extends past my legs, growing dozens of feet in less than a second.

“Perfect!” Batman exclaims.  “Throw me your wiener!”

“Soccer moms only, fuckface!” I retort.  “This is 2022—you grab my wiener and I’ll see you in court!”

“Don’t be a fool!  You’re about to drown!”

I shoot him a rakish grin and rasp, “You don’t know me, son.”  Then I envision all the times I’ve boffed super hot soccer moms (if this were a movie, the camera would zoom in on my pupil and transition into a sex-heavy montage) and stab my boner into the stage, using my wiener like a giant pole-vault.  Up, up I go and—

“—GOTCHA!”  Batman grabs hold of my wrist and pulls me onto the roof.  “Resourceful as ever, Kent.”

I put my hands on my hips and nod in agreement.  “Thanks, man.  Hey, I was wondering…maybe I could hit on some of your exes?  A bunch of ’em have given me big-time fuck-eyes, so…”

Batman gives me a suspicious once-over.  “Maybe…who are we talking about?”

“Selena?”

“No.”

“Diana?”

“No.”

“Clark’s mom?”

Batman startles in place.  “How did you know I—” Then a grin spreads wide across his face.  “Abso-fucking-LUTELY.”

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

 

Have you shown your genitals to a thirsty audience, and now you’re in danger of drowning from their juices?  Never fear!  Buy my books and boner-vault out of there!  Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommunity

31 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

  1. No comment you must be unwell! would you like some soup, a massage! a stiff drink maybe! You missed breakfast maybe i can catch you for tea in a net, what film do you like to watch, some good films on Netflix created from my mind! That loosely incorporate narrative and the naughty book!

    Quietly satisfied i thought you were a brown bread! You need to write more narrative, i read some vice posts and thought of you! Now where did i leave my nuns outfit!

    Liked by 1 person

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