“WAKE UP, KENT WAYNE!” Jeff Bezos hollers.  “PREPARE TO BE HARVESTED FOR YOUR EXQUISITE PUBIC HAIR!”

What the hell?  I try to stand up, but my limbs are spread-eagled, shackled to a steel operating table. 

Bezos adjusts the surgical light, exposing my unzipped crotch and my enormous unshaven balls, and twiddles his fingers like a roided-out version of Montgomery Burns.  “Yes…Yeeeesss…the hair from these award-winning genitals shall serve as a worthy replacement for my once-luscious locks!”

“Just get a transplant like everyone else!” I rage.  “This is completely unnecessary!”

“So are my daily infusions of pureed infant,” Bezos chuckles.  “I hope you’ve been eating pineapple—most people think it does nothing aside from enhancing seminal flavor, but my chief necromancer assures me that it boosts the health of a man’s pubic hair.”

“WHAT?” I sputter.  “That’s INSANE!  And no—I don’t like pineapple!  Whenever I see a pineapple pizza, I take a giant shit on it to improve the taste!”

“That’s a shame,” Jeff sighs.  “Ah, well.  Let’s trim those hairs, shall we?”

Absolute rage surges through me.  “FUCK YOU AND YOUR OVERLORD WAYS!”  And simultaneously rip my arms free in a display of Kent-smash Hulk-strength.  Then I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its untapped reality-distortion potential.  Magic flash.

My wrinkled balls begin quivering and twitching.  “WHO DARES SUMMON ME?”  They expand in size, eclipsing Bezos with their ponderous shadow. 

Bezos falls onto his butt, scootching back on his hands until he hits the wall.  “Please!” he wails.  “Spare me!”

My balls respond with a thunderous laugh.  “NOT LIKELY, FLESHLING!  YOU FUCK WITH THE BULL, YOU GET THE ASS-WRECKING HORNS!  YOU’RE TALKING TO AN ENTITY WHO USED TO BULLY CTHULU ON A REGULAR BASIS—PREPARE TO SPIRAL INTO THE DEPTHS OF MADNESS!”

“No!” Bezos shrieks.  “NO!”

My testicles flex, unleashing a maelstrom of unholy smegma.  Bezos screams and writhes, clutching the air with his shaking hands as the skin melts off his bones and sinew.  I turn away and cover my mouth, tears of horror running down my cheeks. 

I’ve won, yes, but at what cost?

AT.  WHAT.  COST????

 

Have you been abducted by a Lex Luthor analogue who’s too damn fancy to stick with Rogaine and transplants?  Never fear—buy Kent’s books and escape his clutches!  Get A Door into Evermoor here:  A Door into Evermoor Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited