IN THE NEAR FUTURE…
Some people thought the world was gonna end, but they were dead wrong. We could handle the virus. There was one plague, however, that had us beat from the get-go.
Once they started mutating into variants, we never stood a chance. Adelines, Claires, Katelyns, Judiths…
You can’t fight. You can only run.
SEVERAL YEARS INTO THE KAREN REIGN…
I bank right, activating the boosters on my titanium jetpack. My airborne pursuers—several dozen Jessas and Kaylas—match my trajectory. Despite my cutting-edge flight gear, I don’t stand a chance. There’s too damn many of ’em.
Even from here, I can feel my cock retracting into my belly. It’ll only be a matter of time before it’s permanently stunted—reduced to a sexless nub that would evoke laughter and ridicule from a poorly endowed gerbil. Damn these variants and their wiener-destroying powers!
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
My melanin-tinged penis rips through my pants, whipping through the night as it magically grows fifty feet long. As the head snakes beneath the Karens’ faces, it fills their noses with its delectable, just-showered fragrance.
“NO!” one of them screams. “IT’S TOO DELICIOUS!”
Their skulls start exploding one by one. For the sheer fuck of it, I belt out Tchaikovsky’s Overture in my best Peter Griffin voice.
Get away from me, Karen-variants! Kent Wayne escapes again!
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