Long ago, Kent Wayne’s brain withered away into a decrepit mass of sluggish matter.  It no longer functions autonomically; it requires an external stimulus, someone who regulates his behaviors and actions.

That’s where I come in.  My name is True Hamster, pleased to meet you.

Long ago, when I was a hairless tyke, I crawled into Kent’s ear and took up residence in his conspicuously empty cranial cavity.  Initially, I piloted his body out of boredom and curiosity, but then it became a full-time job.  His intelligence is stunted, to say the least.  My herculean efforts are the only reason he can live a “normal life.”

As I crank the wheel attached to his shriveled lobes (I had to rig an electromechanical apparatus onto his brain in order to interface with it), a red-lit alarm begins flashing on the wall.

“WARNING.  WARNING.  BREAKUP FART IS IMMINENT IN T-MINUS FIVE MINUTES.”

Breakup WHAT???  Dread unfurls through my tiny furry belly.  A quick status check reveals he’s in the midst of sexual intercourse (with a Soccer Mom, of course). 

If he unleashes a break-up fart mid-coitus, he’ll be put on a blacklist by every orifice in all of existence.  He’ll be condemned as a criminal mastermind and genocidal villain, then mercilessly persecuted by any lifeform with olfactory sense-organs.

I gotta fucking stop him.

I run frantically through his empty head, flicking switches and pulling levers, trying to stave off the horror of a full-on breakup fart.  Nothing’s working.  Maybe if I downshift it into a quiet squeaker, it’ll at least—

The woman on the monitor screams, “Oh GOD, Kent!  YOU NASTY MOTHERFUCKER!  I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST—”  Then she starts coughing and vomiting.

Fuck it.  No options left.  I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Time rewinds.  BwrrzeeowZOOP!  (That’s my rewinding noise, if you couldn’t tell)

Where are we…oh, okay.  Kent is parked outside his lover’s house, singing along to yet another bubble-pop atrocity.  I punch a few nodules that control his gastronomic organs, triggering the breakup fart in the confines of his car. 

POOF!

He immediately loses consciousness, slumping down onto his steering wheel.  No one can withstand Kent’s breakup fart—not even Kent.

Just another day in the life of True Hamster.

 

Are you an overworked brain-hamster, trying to desperately keep your host from unleashing hell from their foul anus?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

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