Man, it’s a little past one. Can’t fall asleep…
“House—run me a holo-doc.”
“The year 2020.”
3-D images appear above my bed. The Great Pandemic, civil unrest, forest fires, swarms of murder hornets…holy shit, I can’t believe it got THIS crazy just a hundred years ago. I glad it’s 2120, where I can laze about in my maglev condo, cavorting with Soccer Moms who’re willing to support me with cash tips for sex…
I close my eyes, drifting off into sweet, restful slumber.
A woman says, “Kent.”
“Huh?” I rub my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. “Da fuq? House—activate lights.”
The lights click on, but the woman snaps her fingers and the lights click off.
“I prefer the dark.”
“Who are you?” I squint at her silhouette. “You’re breaking and entering—the maglev police are gonna have your ass.”
“Nope.” She holds up a craggy metal device: a pistol-grip with a small holographic projected above it. “Entanglement scanner—beats any comms short of Intergalactic Security Services’ quantum crypto.”
My eyes adjust to the darkness. Puckered frown, angry wrinkles around her eyes, hair cut into a short, blonde bob…
Oh my God. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING KAREN!
“What…what…” I scoot backward on the bed, mouth dropping open in astonishment and horror. “Your kind hasn’t been seen since 2020. How—”
She cuts me off with a sinister chuckle. “We went underground. Learned how to fake impartial consensus and critical thinking, even though it damn near killed us. Now we rise, ready to live-laugh-love the world into submission.”
“No.” I look down at my once-mighty penis. It’s shriveling into a tiny, frightened nub that could easily be mistaken for a spot of acne on a baby hamster. “NO!!!”
Her grin widens. “You’re first on our list—there’s no room in the Karen Empire for hot Asian sci-fi Man Whores such as yourself. Your big, dark, upcurved dick is an abomination—albino-white penises are the goddamn future.”
“Eww.” My face twists with disgust. “Like a baby mole-rat’s?”
“ExACTLY like a baby mole-rat’s.”
I shout “GROSS!” and open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Logical proofs form around me, coating my body in glowing equations. Aristotelian formulas, syllogistic deductions and exotic symbols…they contour around me in mathematical splendor.
“What…” She takes a step back.
“Inductive reasoning, fallacy negation, and common sense.” I make a fist, channeling the equations into a star-bright circle around my right hand. “You don’t stand a chance.”
“No.” She raises her arm in a futile attempt to ward me off. “NO!”
“OH yeah!” I join my hands at the base of my palms, curling my fingers into hadouken position. “EAT LOGIC, BITCH!”
The Karen claws the air and shrieks in fury. As she dematerializes, she screams:
“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE! DAAAAMMMNN YOOOOoooo….”
Ha HA! Kent Wayne wins again!
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