“Goddammit!” Captain Rutherford’s voice echoes through the cabin. “Who the FUCK thought it would be a good idea to bring Kent FUCKING WAYNE along in Earth’s last seedship??? You’ve jeopardized the fate of the entire human species, you blundering idiot!” He shoots a quivering finger at me.
“I’m sorry!” I bleat. “I didn’t know that clogging the toilet would disrupt our nav systems! Shouldn’t the ship be designed for this kind of—”
“YOU IDIOT!” Rutherford surges toward me. His copilots hook his arms in theirs, stopping him in his tracks. “There isn’t a single engineer in the goddamn world who could have anticipated that your asshole would eject a METRIC TON of high-pressure feces! You’ve knocked us off course, you incomprehensible moron! Doomed us to a slow death in the outer reaches of the universe! YOU’VE KILLED US ALL!”
“Ah God!” I drop to my knees, clutching the air with claw-fingered hands. “I’VE WIPED OUT HUMANITY!”
Then I straighten. Wait a second…there’s one option left.
I reach into my pocket and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Emo-poet materializes in front of us. “You guys need help?”
“There’s a metric ton of shit that’s flooded our craft,” I say. “It’s putting physical pressure on our quantum transistors, disrupting their phase-flux calculations. If you could just—”
His eyes light up. “I LOVE the taste of feces! Sit back and chill—I’ll have you guys back on course in less than an hour!”
He pops a ventilation duct and slips inside. The captain and crew give me a puzzled look.
“Emo-poets live off poop,” I explain. “They excrete it as vampire-centric poetry and an obsessive need to wear Hot Topic.”
Rutherford winces. “That’s almost as bad. Not quite…but almost.”
“We’ll kill him once he’s done,” I assure him.
And then I lead the crew in a well-deserved round of cheers. Hip hip HUZZAH! Not only will humanity live on, we’ll actually manage to employ an emo-poet for a constructive purpose!
(And then we’ll kill him. His caliber of evil can’t be allowed to exist.)
Has one of your crew accidentally knocked your spaceship off course with their rogue colon? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜