“What do you think, Labrador Kent? Who could have done something this heinous?”
I gaze at the pile of droppings atop our favorite patch of sunbathing grass, shaking my head in absolute disgust.
“Whoever they are, they’re goddamn savages. What kind of animal ruins a dog’s sunbathing patch?” I shake my head again. “This reminds me of the Bad Old Days, when we were all shitting everywhere, ruining each others’ favorite spots.”
“You’re the Dog Detective, Kent—you’re gonna figure out who did this, right?”
“That’s why I wore my doggy trench coat, Rowfus Roofus. It helps me get in the take-no-shit, detective noir mindset.” I squint my eyes and imagine seedy saxophone music playing in the background. “All we have to go by is this steaming pile of poop…wait a second…the kibble patterns, those bits of greenery…they’re nepeta cataria…I’ll be damned.”
“What is it?” Roofus asks.
I turn to Roofus with a pained grimace. “It must have taken them years of training to approximate our dook, but in the end, it couldn’t have been anyone other than—”
“CATS, motherfucker!” The neighborhood’s lead cat, Hisspit, emerges from the shadows. A dozen of his cronies slink out with him. “Now is the winter of our discontent! You think your doggy trench coat will save you, Kent? It’s just a fucked up paper bag that you managed to bite into a wearable configuration! We’re about to tear you from snout from—”
“My trench coat may not save me, but THIS sure as hell will!” I reach into my coat and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant, mastiff-bernard-dane mix thunders up to us. It’s got portable vacuum cleaners strapped to its forepaws, and it’s waving them back and forth with delirious abandon.
“ARF ROOF WOOF GO FUCK YOURSELVES, YOU HIDEOUS FELINES!”
Hisspit and his goons take off yowling and shrieking. Me and Rowfus cheer and bark, wagging our tails and spinning in circle after circle as our reviled enemies flee from GigantoGoof—the patron saint of all big dogs.
Once we’re all done celebrating, we settle down and exchange pleased looks.
“How’s about we run amuck amongst the chihuahuas and remind them of their ridiculous frailty and unparalleled weakness?” Gigantogoof asks.
“Let’s DO IT!” Rowfus exclaims.
And so Gigantogoof, Rowfus, and Kent terrorized legions of Not-dogs with their big ol’ tails and enormous, slobbery tongues. 😀
Are you a happy-go-lucky big dog who’s being harried by worthless little fur-fiends? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜