I arc up from the water, chittering like the happy-go-lucky dolphin I am. Hello, sun! Hello, algae! Hello, friendly surfer-humans!
That’s how we majestic ocean-dwellers think and behave, right?
Not only do me and my mad-tight homeboys throw around outdated 90s slang with unabashed fury, we also eat each others kids, get high off puffer fish secretions, and engage in nonconsensual boffery all day EVERY day, son! Ain’t no orifice safe from our fibroelastic pieces; they’re equipped with a shitload of collagen, making them WAY more intimidating and bonier than your soft-ass human wieners…EVEN when we’re flaccid! If we had a rap soundtrack, half of it would be comprised of someone continually racking the action on a big-ass shotgun, and the other half would be DMX raging at the world after someone shot both his testicles full of injectable cocaine.
Fuck thug life. Try DOLPHIN life.
As I cruise through the not-so-friendly waters of the Bay Area, I exchange slow, menacing nods with other pods of gangsta-ass cetaceans. As long as no one tries anything stupid, we’re good. Occasionally, we get in a scrap over turf, but that’s to be expected; the ocean is a dark, angry world where your butt can get filled with a giant whale-cock if you happen to let your guard down for even an INSTANT.
Suddenly, a cruise ship trundles by, and something tips over the railing. Two bodies splash into the water, inciting hordes of boner-wielding dolphins to arrow toward them. In another second, this is gonna be a repeat performance of Hole-pocalypse 2013: Leave No Hole Untouched.
But as I draw closer I recognize one of them as my spirit animal: the moronic Man Whore known as Kent Wayne. He and his soul-mate, Soccer Mom Prime, have eaten too much weed and are snorting and laughing as they splash around in the waves, unaware that both their bodies are about to turn from 60% water into 60% dolphin semen.
So I race ahead of the pack, reach my snout into Kent Wayne’s pocket, and open his eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Kent Wayne’s prehensile wiener rockets up the side of the cruise ship. It wraps tightly around the railing, and both Kent and his mate grab hold of it as it slingshots them both back up onto the deck.
Thwarted dolphins grumble and mutter as they converge on the spot where Kent was swimming a moment prior. But after they voice their complaints, an unmistakable sentiment runs through their ranks.
Because his wiener was freakin’ HUGE!
Is your butthole’s integrity being put at imminent risk by a pack of rapacious cetaceans? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜