“You seen him, Kent? I know we’s hardened trail hands and all, but this ain’t no laughin’ matter. Some fucker took down Ben Wade and his entire gang in less’n a second.”
Firelight reflects off Rufus Mcgovern’s shining pupils. He wipes a smatter of stewed beans off his lips and hunches over his Winchester rifle.
“The hell are you talkin’ about, Rufus?” I raise my hat a couple of inches and peek at my partner from under its brim. “Go back to sleep.” I let the hat drop down, masking my eyes from the light of the campfire.
“Naw, Kent. I ain’t sleepin’—not while he’s watchin’ us, waitin’ to rip us open from asshole to belly button. Shee-it, this dickface walks up on us, I’ll send him straight to hell, courtesy of my rifle Bess and her fifteen kids.” I hear him give his Winchester a reassuring pat before he jacks the lever and feeds a round into the chamber. “Got my Colt .45s loaded up as well. That murderous bastard better think twice before he tries to get the jump on us.”
“Go to sleep, Rufus.”
“Hhhgllghhhkkk…oh sweet Jesus…help me, Kent…”
“Rufus?” I peek at him again, then bolt to my feet. “RUFUS!”
Rufus is on his knees, his eyes and mouth leaking blood. Grammar Nazi Prime—a naked, spindly man with no muscle tone and a receded hairline—is pumping his fully erect penis in and out of Rufus’s left ear. With each thrust, the squelch of ruined brains rings through the air.
GNP lets loose with a satisfied, “HHRRNNNGHH!!” and pulls out of Rufus. My partner drops to his side, twitching reflexively as he breathes his last.
GNP looks regretfully down at his wiener, which is now the size of a stunted button mushroom. “Yeah…it only attains normal size when I’m scrambling someone’s mind.”
“You…you…” I can’t get the words out. Instead, I let loose with a long, enraged scream, pull my Colts, and start blasting away.
GNP walks forward through the puffs of gunsmoke, unaffected by the rounds, chuckling menacingly. “ ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C.’ Let me inject your sweet, pulsing cerebrum with some of my grammatically correct seed, Kent.”
“AHHH!!! AHHHH!!!! STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU LOW-DOWN MIND-FUCKER!!!”
BANG! BANG! BANG! Clickclickclick.
My eyes widen in horror. His widen in delight. Before he can touch me with his vitamin-D deprived hands, I reach into my satchel and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A giant, bean-n-jerky fart flies out from between my buttocks. Instead of dissipating, it surrounds us both in a whirlwind of greenish light, phantom skulls, and howling faces.
“What is this?” GNP glances from side to side, panic and shock playing through his expression. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???”
I throw him a harsh grin. “We’re in the Methane Dimension. Being a Man Child for decades on end has honed my butthole into a lethal weapon. You’re in MY world now, you nutless freak.”
He starts backing away, both hands raised, palms offered up. “Now hold on a minute, Kent—hold on just a minute! You know I was joking, right? I was never gonna hurt you—I was after your friend. Matter of fact, I think we can come to some kind of a—”
I clutch the air in front of me like some kinda Dark Side wizard. “ANNIHILUS DOUCHEBAG!”
The unholy winds contract around GNP and—za-WIP!—strip him of flesh, organs and blood. A second later, his bleached skeleton drops to its knees…then falls facedown into the dust. I breathe a long, shuddering sigh of relief.
Let this be a lesson to all of you—never, EVER fuck with Kent after a big ol’ meal of jerky and beans! HEH heh heh!
Are you trying to enjoy a peaceful night out in the desert, but much to your dismay, you find you’re being hunted by one of the foulest beings known to man? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜