Echo-a Dystopian Science Fiction Novel / Kor'Thank / The Unbound Realm

Yet another weird ad for my novels

DirtySciFiBuddha32 Comments

I used to be a world-renowned, award-winning Man Whore.  Now I’ve got ear-hairs, liver spots, and a pathetic scraggle of snowy white pubes.  Yeah, my wiener hasn’t shrunk (still wraps around my thigh and tucks into my sock) but it never gets to a hundred percent.  Even the finest milf-porn won’t do the trick; I haven’t experienced a raging upcurve in well over a decade.  Jerking off is a sad affair, like playing pool with a greasy jump-rope.

I stare at the withered old codger in my bathroom mirror.  Time passes so damn fast.  One day your dick is in sky-high demand, wearing sunglasses at night and getting comped for bottle service, the next it’s getting ridiculed by TikToking youngsters. 

I look down and stare at my raison d’être, my ride or die, my phallic best friend who could’ve starred beside me in a witty buddy cop movie.  “I should’ve paid more attention,” I whisper.  “I was too busy booking you for thirsty holes, always striving for illusory treasure…a number in a bank account that doesn’t mean shit.  But you were always here, in the crotch of my pants—the real treasure was the friend I had with me, all along the way.”

Wiener coughs weakly.  I lift him up in my hands.  “What is it?  Do you need any—”

Then his dicklips start moving:  “ ‘And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon…’ ”

I can’t hear the rest; I’m ugly-crying harder than Will fucking Ferrell at his mid-2000s best.  After five straight minutes of snot-garbled sobs, it occurs to me that this can’t be my fate.  There’s no way—entropy can suck my unshaven ass.

I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

BRRZT

Something metallic is on my head, covering my eyes with a wrap-around visor.  I knew it!  Someone trapped me in a virtual reality, like a shittier knockoff of the already shitty, fourth-movie Matrix!  I’m not old—I’m in the prime of my panty-dropping LIFE! 

As I grab the sides and lift it up, I hear panicked gibbering all around me.  “He’s awake!” and, “How the fuck did—” followed by, “Seize him, you fools!” and, although it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, this wouldn’t be complete without some rando yelling, “HE’S JUST ONE MAN, DAMMIT!”

I’m in some kind of lab, staffed by a gaggle of blithering douche-bros.  As they bolt for the door, one of them smacks an alarm, causing the overhead lights to immediately shut off.  Flashing red glare and blaring sirens take their place. 

“Hey!  HEY!”  I rip off my restraints, tackle a douche-bro, and slam him onto a nearby desk.  “What the FUCK is all this?”

“We can’t compete with you!”  He gestures furiously at math-filled whiteboards, volumes of meticulously documented research, and ominously lit, freon-cooled memory banks.  “We’ve been trying to find the g-spot for decades!  We’ve built sentient AI, mounted expeditions into hollow Earth, consulted with ancient yogis and mystical holy men—WE STILL CAN’T FIND IT!  Our only option is to take you out of the equation!”

I release his lapels.  “Well yeah—of course you can’t find it.  My dick curves upward.  It’s like a g-spot-seeking missile.”

“I KNOW!” he bellows.

“And yours is…well I can tell by looking at you, it’s straight-up pathetic.”

“I know,” he sobs.  He drops to his knees and starts blubbering into his hands. 

“I mean…as long as you know.”  I rub the back of my neck and clear my throat.  “Have fun with…”  I cast a quick look around, “Your g-spot war-room, or whatever this is.” 

As I exit the lab, his weeping subsides.  So I poke my head in and remind him, “It’s pathetic.”  Which causes him to burst into a fresh round of sobs.

That’s what you get for entangling me in a VR hellscape!  Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have orgasmically inept, frat-bro haters tried to imprison you in a nefarious simulation?  Never fear!  Buy my books, escape from their trap, and remind them all of their pitifully insufficient genitalia!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor.  Get Weapons of Old here: Weapons of Old Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

32 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels”

      • 🤨🤣 Nerdrobe does not a genuine nerd make dude. It’s always nice to be able to converse at a certain level, but nothing is sexier than genuine kindness.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m already nice, but I find I’m irresistible when I throw in olive garden and scalp massages. 🤣 With nerds being a hot thing now, I wonder if a lady would be into a full-on nerd with a wheeze-gasp nerd-laugh? 🤔🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      • Perhaps… where there’s a nerd, there’s usually a way…but still might depend on the woman. I sometimes snort when I laugh, so I can say *nothing* about that🤡

        Liked by 1 person

      • I find the snort-laugh to be contagious! I used to make my ex snort-laugh, then when I pointed her and started laughing myself, she started laughing hard enough to leak tears. Half the time, I’d be in the same boat!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s impressive that you can catch the snorts from someone else…I have never witnessed mine to be contagious though 🤷‍♀️ it’s ok, I have made peace with that.😅

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m always surprised that nobody laughs when my voice breaks. It barely ever happens, but I always want to bust out laughing when it does. I wish folks would laugh at me when I did it so we could laugh together!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hmmm. With that one I find sometimes there can be a fine line with people laughing at you and people laughing with you. Details don’t matter here, but when I was four a lead pipe got shoved down my throat and it caused scarring that impacted my ability to speak without my voice cracking for years. And when I sing, I still have extra cracks. I had to work hard at what singing abilities I do have in part because of this. I was self-conscious about the cracks because other kids used to laugh at me about it. 🤷‍♀️ Now I kind of don’t care, but I think for me it matters if we’re all laughing together in a light-hearted way or if somebody is doing it in a mean spirited trying to hurt me kind of way…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Interesting you should bring singing up…I’ve been contemplating that as next on the to-do list of hobbies. (Dogs are dependent on living situation and possibly the ability to pay for doggy daycare). When I was in my twenties, I wanted to learn to play guitar and sing so I could make fun of my friends and make them laugh with musical accompaniment, but now I think I’d like to do it to be good at karaoke and hone my car singing. I sing a lot in the car, and lately I’ve been thinking damn–if I had was working on this with a more knowledgeable ear, I could be getting better, lol! I don’t want to make my own songs, though. I just want to be good enough to make people laugh and/or smile at a casual gathering.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I remember that you had an interest in learning how to do that. The subject came up in one of our comment exchanges from way back it feels like at this point. If you have an interest, I say go for it! And I believe we discussed the fact that I used to sing in church, actually I had decided to take vocal lessons in my twenties because it was very important to me. But I had to work a lot at certain things because of the things we have discussed, and with my allergies I often had to drink some lemon water right before if I was doing either a solo or a duet to clear out any residual mucus. I think my church singing days are in the past though, to be honest the congregations I feel most comfortable in are Unitarian and they’re too far away from where I live for me to feel like I need to do it on a regular basis in terms of budgeting timewise or be invested in joining their choir etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m waiting for the interest to build into an urge. A while ago, I thought it was cool to be a hustle-culture renaissance guy so I put too much stuff on my plate. Now I just want to enjoy what I’m doing and appreciate the moment.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I can appreciate that. Life has forced me to hustle, just not in a way that brings money, lol. Which is something not everyone understands, because plenty of people would think I had a choice. I did, just not one that I could have done emotionally well with and I am wise enough to know that It is more important to honor the path that allows me to feel happiest with myself about what I did.

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      • Absolutely. Plenty of folks who tick off a ton of boxes on the societally supported checklist, yet they live in misery, compounded by pressure from people who say they’re super lucky to have accomplished so much, as well as pressure from themselves because they feel like they’re wrong to feel miserable when they’ve checked off so many boxes.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. This was brilliant writing! Made me want to go fap fap fap ahahaha. You still got it, I bet and your description of a curve to find the g spot? Bang on. It’s the little ridge up in there, up in there. Drop it like it’s haute couture. Peace out and stay awesome.

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