Superman extends a hand.  “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.”  I scoot in and lower into my chair.  “To what do I owe the pleasure?  I’m a street-level metahuman—figured I wouldn’t even be on the Big Three’s radar.”

Batman rasps, “I started out street-level.  That doesn’t mean you can’t make a difference.”

“Definitely.”  Wonder Woman gives me a wink and a smile.  “I know you remember our multiple meatings—those made the girthiest of differences.  Meat-ings, get it?  MEAT.”  She makes a hole with her index and thumb, then jabs it a couple times with her other forefinger.  “Know what I’m saying?  Fives.”  She holds up a hand, prompting me for a high-five, but I shake my head in vehement denial.

“Uh…yeah, I think everyone knows what you’re saying.  Diana, we talked about this, remember?  Ixnay on the—”

“I don’t.”  Batman’s narrow angry eyes become angrier and narrower.  “What IS she saying?  Please—enlighten us.”

Before I can elaborate, Wonder Woman rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.  “Jesus, Bruce, do I have to spell it out for you?  Rawdog sex, anywhere and everywhere.  Selena knows.”

“CATWOMAN?”  He slaps the table and shoots to his feet.  “WHAT THE—”

Wonder Woman flaps a dismissive hand.  “When are you going to learn that your edgy emo bullshit just isn’t fashionable anymore?  We need fun-loving, freewheeling well-endowed he-whores.”  She gives me a mischievous smile, then turns back to Batman.  “Unlike you, this guy isn’t cursed with molerat needle-dick.”

“HEY!” he screeches.  “You said that girth and color didn’t matter, and you also said YOU’D NEVER TELL ANYONE!”

Superman stifles a snort-chuckle behind a half-curled fist.  It doesn’t escape Bats.  “Oh you think this is funny?  Keep laughing asshole—this man-strumpet widened out Lois’s holes!”

The color drains from Superman’s face.  “Lois?”

“Yeah!” Batman continues, “in a menage a trois with dear old Martha!”

Superman becomes a few shades paler.  “Mom?” he whispers.

Diana nudges me.  “Think you’d better beat feet.”

“Right!  Good talk!”  I sprint down the hall of the Justice League’s moon base.  A few yards in, I hear Batman and Superman’s anguished screams, followed by enraged promises to rip me limb from fucking limb.

Fuck.  FUCK.  No options left.  So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash. 

My prehensile wiener rips through my trousers.  “I’ve generated a year’s worth of foul-ass smeg!  Just say when!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a blue-red blur.  I have less than a second before Superman hits me with the force of a nuke. 

“NOW!”

Everything decelerates into stylish slo-mo.  As Supes rushes in, I leap back and turn, twisting my hips and unfurling my penis…

Wha-PAP!  It hits him square in the mug, sending him rocketing into the alloyed walls.  He instantly starts wailing and clawing his face.  “AAGH!  HIS SMEGMA BURNS WORSE THAN PURIFIED KRYPTONITE!” 

As I run down the hall, Batman’s howl trails my steps.  “This isn’t over, you hear me???  THIS ISN”T OVER!!!”

Fuck being a superhero!  Imma just plow their kind-hearted moms!  HEH heh heh! 

😀

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