“I’m breaking up with you.” 

“What?”  I stop plinking away at my latest story.  “Why?” 

“My jaw is sore 24/7!” Ariel shouts.  “In case you haven’t noticed, mermaids DON’T HAVE A VAJ!  You’re the only merman with a goddamn wiener, and it just so happens that it’s FUCKING GINORMOUS!  Oral’s fun, but my tongue and my masseters are working overtime—I’ve grown the jawline of a cartoon superhero!”

“It’s not my fault it’s the size of my fins!” I yell.

“I’ve been eyeing Prince Eric.  Ursula says she can help me out.”  She swims out of our two-bedroom sea cave.

“ERIC???” I sputter.  “He looks like a fucking Ivy League rapist!  Ariel!  ARIEL!!!”

Too late.  She’s already gone.

TWO DAYS LATER…

I pick up my sea-phone.  “Hello?”

“Kent, you gotta help!” Ariel gasps. 

My brows furrow in consternation.  “Did he hurt you?”

“Not yet, but I opened his fridge and—”  She sobs unintelligibly into the phone.

“Slow down, Ariel—talk to me!”

“Shrunken heads, dozens of them!  They were all staring at me like—”

“Heads?  What are you—”

“HE’S A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER!!!”

Right at that moment, a door opens in the background.  “Arieeelll…I’m HO-ome…”

“Kent—HELP!” 

Shit.  SHIT.  I always knew that Armie Hammer-looking fuckhole was dancing to Goodbye Horses and jerking it to severed body parts.  I need to help Ariel, but there’s no way I can get to her location, much less fight Prince Eric.  He’s got the advantage on land; I’m a goddamn merman.

UnLESS…

I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

I’m instantly transported to Eric’s douche-pad.  I’ve also transformed into a two-legged Man Whore—a naked two-legged Man Whore.

“What the fuck?”  The cannibal-deviant turns around. 

Dammit—no weapons!  Gotta improvise. 

“Olé!”  I jump into the air and whip my hips, smacking his face with my club-like peen.  His eyes roll back, his dislocated jaw skews grotesquely to the left, and he collapses in a tangled jumble of limbs. 

Ariel’s on him like stank on shit.  She bludgeons his face with a chain of hammer-fists, pulping his handsome features into a gory mess.  In less than a minute, his skull is reduced to a gaping red hole. 

“Uh…okay, then.”  I hiss through my teeth.  “I’m gonna GO…”

“Bullshit!” she snarls.  “You’re a goddamn Man Whore—come and service this murder-charged vaj!”

After a second, I respond with a shrug.  She’s right.  I’m a professional Man Whore—I can’t turn away a vajeen in need, even if comes with a side of murder.

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Has your significant other unknowingly hooked up with a charming monster?  Never fear!  Buy my books, dick-smack his face, then watch as your partner gives him what for!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!    

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!     #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing