Yet another weird ad for my novels

A tesla pulls up.  The window rolls down.  “Get in.”

Holy shit—it’s Elon Musk! 

I slide in beside him, trying to control the quaver in my voice.  “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He steps on the accelerator, guiding the car onto the road.  “I’m a magnanimous guy.  Every now and then, I’ll give a ride to a peasant so I can spread my magnanimity.”

“Uh, thanks?” I chuckle nervously.  “Not sure I’m a ‘peasant,’ but—”

“Nonsense.”  He flaps a hand.  “You’re all peasants.  Oop—here’s our stop.”  He’s driven us into the middle of nowhere:  a desolate tract of scrub-coated desert.

“What are we doing here?”  I look nervously around.

Instead of answering, he lifts a cheek and cuts loose with a beefer.  “OHHHH!”  His eyes roll back and his face goes slack.  “Love smelling my own farts—fucking LOVE IT!”  As he sucks in a lungful, his nostrils dilate along with his pupils.

It hits me like a punch to the gut.  I start yanking on the door but he’s locked me in.  “Fuck!  HELP!”  My gorge rises and I clutch my belly.  “Why does it smell so goddamn BAD???  HORKKK!”  I paint the dash in chunks of barf.

“I eat bacon made from school-age children, cured in a mixture of coke and adderall.”  He cuts loose with a wet-sounding trill.  “Fuckholes on twitter keep giving me shit.  This is the only thing that gives me relief.”

“You’re going to…kill me?” I gasp.  “HOOOOOORRRKKKK!!!”

“That’s the idea.”  He couldn’t smile any wider.

If I wasn’t about to puke up my organs, I’d baste his face in nasty-ass sperm.  But I haven’t jerked off in a porta-shitter since I was in the military, and his human-bacon farts are ten times worse than anything I’ve smelled.  There’s no fucking way.

UnLESS…

I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its mind-bending reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

Reams of swimmers erupt from my wiener, coating Elon in pulses of gametes.  My magic eReader goes the extra mile:  it summons a miniature simulacra of Chuck Norris, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.  He’s jerking it right along with me, coating the magnate in wave after wave of seed and man chowder.

“Take that, ya global elitist fucklord!” Chuck Norris crows.  “Don’t mess with Texas!”

Elon flinches and spasms in fight-or-flight horror.  “No!  What are you—PHHHBBBTTT!!!  Oh God, it smells like ASPARAGUS AND KARATE!!!!”

Pretty soon, he collapses in his seat, pummeled senseless by the force and the smell.  After Chuck helps me kick out a window, I make my way back to civilization, grinning like the cat that got the fucking cream. 

Well…that isn’t entirely accurate—I didn’t get any cream.

I’m the fucker who was dishing it out.

Kent Wayne wins again!  HEH heh heh!

😀

Have you fallen into the clutches of a filthy-rich billionaire who’s determined to kill you with their human-bacon flatulence?  Never fear!  Buy my books and defend yourself with your disgusting-ass fluids!

Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #writingcommunity #writer #booktok #writerscommunity #writing

24 thoughts on “Yet another weird ad for my novels

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