“Wake up, Kent! We’re going on patrol!”
“Huh?” I squint at Cyclops, blink sleepily, then turn away and pull my blanket to my cheek. “Fuck off, Scott. I don’t have powers—I’m not on the team.”
“You are today! Cerebro says you’re about to manifest! And watch your language!” He slings me over his shoulder and tromps out of the bedroom. “Logan! Jean! To the Blackbird!
Ten minutes later, we’re flying through the air. Everyone’s dressed in skin-tight sexiness, but I’m still in a t-shirt and underwear, ringed with tufts of unkempt pubes.
“What the fuck,” I grumble. “This is absolute horseshit.”
“Language!” Cyclops barks.
I respond with a scoff. “Jesus Christ—you need to eat shrooms, or at least try some nonmissionary sex.”
He levels a finger at my face. “Watch yourself, mister! You’re the public face of Mutant tolerance and diversity! Act like it!”
I throw my hands up in a WTF gesture. “ ‘Tolerance and diversity?’ Who were the originals, fuckface? You, Warren, Jean, Bobby, and Hank—making Mutants great again, eh?”
Scott turns bright red. “That’s not…I have Black frie—”
I stick a finger in my mouth and fake-gag. “You’re a walking cliche. Gross.” I roll my eyes. “Next time you wanna go on patrol, leave me out of it. Your small dick energy is fucking up my chi.”
“Watch yer mouth, bub!” Wolverine snarls. “Keep smartin’ off, and yer gonna find out the hard way that I’m the best at what I do! And what I do isn’t very nice!”
“What would that be? Fucking Jean when Scott isn’t looking?”
Logan sputters, “No, that’s isn’t…what are you…SHUT UP!” At the same time, Scott’s lower lip starts trembling and Jean hides a chuckle behind her hand.
Cyclops clears his throat. Then—in a quavery voice that sounds like he’s about to cry—he announces: “We’re going to run you through some real-world scenarios. With the appropriate amount of reactive stress, I think we can trigger your Mutant abilities.”
Fuck. THIS. I’m not gonna kowtow to a repressed Abercrombie model, who also thinks he’s a Mutant drill instructor. So I open my eReader to a Kent Wayne novel, activating its reality-distortion powers. Magic flash.
“Huh…” I stare wonderingly at my upturned palms. “I think it worked.” Buzzy waves are running through me, kinda like the come-up of a strong edible.
“Nonsense,” Scott says briskly. He begins ticking points off on his fingers. “We need to check you for enhanced strength, telepathic sensitivity, gravitic manipulation…”
As he blithers on, I raise a hand in his direction, simultaneously clenching my fist and my willpower.
“…temperature control, density shift, heat and illumi—HODEARJESUS!” He clutches his belly and falls out of his seat. “I’M GONNA…I’M GONNA…”
Mountains of shit coming pouring out, riddling his skintight undies with undulating lumps. Horrendous odor fills the cabin, causing me to squint in disgust like Robert De Niro.
“Fecalkinesis,” I manage. “Best power ever.”
“You just assaulted a founding member!” Wolverine snarls, popping out his claws. “Say yer prayers bub, ’cause…” I turn my power on him, and his expression changes from enraged to panicked. “Oh no…can’t…HOLD IT…” He arches back and screams at the sky—“HRRAAANNNGHHHH!!!”—as dook after dook slides out of his butthole.
Wolverine and Cyclops are now weeping and groaning, curled into fetal positions on the floor of the Blackbird. Jean Grey comes sauntering over, sits on my lap, and starts playing with my hair.
“Care for some company?”
“Me?” I raise an eyebrow. “I haven’t fought Magneto, or saved the world from a Sentinel apocalypse…”
Jean shrugs. “That stuff gets boring. Also, Logan smells like unwashed balls, and Scott’s wiener is the size of a tic-tac.”
“No, Jean…” Cyclops moans. “You promised…”
I quip, “Quiet, Tic-tac,” and give Jean a smile. “I’m girthy, but it doesn’t stop there—I’m also packing a wicked upcurve.”
“Interesting…” She curls a lock of hair behind her ear. “Never had one, but I’m looking forward to trying yours out.”
And THAT, my friends, is why I never became an X-man. Kent Wayne wins again! HEH heh heh!
Are you being harassed by a super-powered dickhead? Never fear! Buy my books and fuck his wife!
Get A Door into Evermoor here: A Door into Evermoor. Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization!
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! #Kindle #KindleUnlimited #WritingCommuni