Much to my neighbor’s distress, I finish my shower-karaoke with a not just butchered, but fisted-in-the-anoos-and-left-for-dead rendition of “Every Breath You Take” by the Police.
“I’LL BE WATCHING YOOOOUUU!!!” I scream into my shampoo bottle/microphone.
Suddenly, a double-toned voice growls, “That should do it.”
Da fuq? I look down and lock eyes with a pair of cat-slit pupils, staring up at me from a thorn-ringed portal. A hand pops out, grabs my ankle, and yanks me in.
The last thing I hear is: “Welcome to Hell. HEH heh heh!”
SEVERAL EONS LATER…
Goddammit, I am SICK of Hell! These motherfucking demons make me bathe in piss, shop with my ex, and eat out legions of Karens! (They taste like mothballs and Hallmark—not really sure what that’s all about).
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!
So I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
Whoa! A microphone just dropped into my hand! I raise it to my lips and begin screeching out “I Will Always Love You.” Somewhere in the multiverse, Whitney and Dolly convulse in disgust, foaming at the mouth as their eyes roll back and blood pours from their ears. Can’t blame them—the lyrical fuckshow pouring from my mouth is nothing short of apocalyptic.
And lo! My demon taskmasters can’t stand it either! All around me, hellions and gargoyles clutch their stomachs and shit out organs. One of them wails for his mother as he commits seppuku with a jagged rock. Another grabs a pair of knives and stabs his own ears in a desperate attempt to escape my voice.
“SEND HIM BACK! SEND HIM THE FUCK BACK!!!”
Shloop! Off I go, spiraling back into my Earthly shell!
No one can withstand my terrible singing—Kent Wayne escapes again!
Have you been sentenced to Hell for your shitty-ass voice? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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