“Bring him in.”
Martha Stewart’s Food Network minions—a motley crew of trolls, orcs, and kobolds—lift me high in the air. I’m tied to a long, sturdy stick, like Luke and Han when they were captured by Ewoks.
As I enter her throne room, I catch glimpses of her gruesome trophies—Giada’s head in a jar of formaldehyde, Padma’s face stretched across a lampshade. Martha is waiting on her obsidian throne, carved from the femur of a black-scale dragon.
The lead minion calls, “HALT.” I come to a stop in front of the Food Network Demonness.
She gets up from her throne and strolls toward me, hands folded behind her back. “I spent time in prison. Do you know that, Kent?”
“Yes Martha,” I manage around my ball-gag.
“Prison…it changes you.” She dips her head in thought, continuing to circle me. Her footsteps echo off the cold stone floor. “My needs have expanded, in ways that mouth-breathing commoners could never comprehend.” She nods at her minions. “Release his genitals.”
One of the Orcs reaches between my legs and pulls on the giant bow that’s keeping my wiener and sack tied to my ankle. They both plop down and hang in the air. Martha starts shadowboxing, shifting from foot to foot with practiced ease.
“What are you doing?” My eyes grow wide. “Martha? MARTHA???”
“Shh. It’ll all be over soon.”
And then it starts.
BUH-bidda BUH-bidda BUH-bidda—her fists spin and twirl, working my balls like a couple of speed bags. The ache spreads from my stomach throughout my body, causing me to squinch my eyes shut and gasp in pain.
BUH-bidda BUH-bidda BUH-bidda BUH!
GOD it hurts!
She switches to my wiener, working it like a veiny heavy bag—pap pap PAP! Pap pap PAP! Christ, her technique is impeccable! That left body hook could’ve come from a young Mike Tyson!
Fuck it. No options left. I rip my hand free of the ropes, reaching in my shirt pocket and activating my iPhone, opening the Kindle app to Echo and activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The Justice League, the Avengers, along with the entire cast of heroes that fought Thanos to a standstill bust in through the wall, landing in their signature anime-style crouches.
Batman throws a batarang, slicing through my restraints and dropping me to the ground. Superman levels a finger at her.
“This has gone too far.”
Her body shakes with a mirthless chuckle. “On the contrary, I’m just getting started.” She cracks her knuckles, then bends her neck to either side, eliciting another pair of bony cracks.
I run out of the throne room, flinching and whimpering as heroes die in rapid succession. The last thing I hear is Superman screaming, “GREAT SCOTT! SHE JUST ATE AQUAMAN’S STILL-BEATING HEART! BATMAN, WAKE UP! WAKE UP AND SAY SOMETHING DAMN Y—WAIT MARTHA, NO! EXIT ONLY, MARTHA, EXIT ONL—”
His protest gives way to a long, anguished howl. Tears stream down my cheeks as I run out of her castle.
I managed to survive, but at what cost?
AT. WHAT. COST????
*Cue theme music from Requiem for Dream*
Have you gotten on the wrong side of a Food Network demigoddess? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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