Oh God, 2020 just got a dickload worse—THEY TOOK AWAY COFFEE!!!
I run through the suburbs of sunny San Diego, hunching and flinching as erratic gunfire rattles the air. Someone aims a burst at me—SNAP-SNAP-SNAP-SNAP—sending me diving behind a rusted dumpster. Three houses down, a suburban worker-drone screams in fury and rips off his shirt, revealing a pasty, vitamin-d deprived dad-bod, then charges his neighbor with fast-zombie rage.
Coffee—WHERE’S THE COFFEE???
I break from the dumpster and sprint for my Jeep. Howling Millennials taunt me with threats, firing at me as they swoop by in their Civics and Altimas. I reach for the door but a trio of rounds spark off the handle and riddle it with holes. FUCK! I snatch my hand back and angle left. If I make it behind that tree, I might be able to—
NO! A pack of Karens zips by in a decked-out minivan and lasso me with a rope made from home-spun yarn. They’re gonna ask to see the motherfucking manager! I’m a professional Man Whore—THERE IS NO MANAGER!!!
I writhe and curse, but there’s no getting away from their impeccably made, Michaels-sourced restraint. Fuck it. No options left—I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
VRRMMM!!! A helmeted figure zooms by on a turbocharged Ducati, snatching the lead Karen out from the van like a Batman attack-victim. The rider cuts a j-turn, dumps the Karen, then halts her cycle and revs the throttle.
Holy fuck. Superfit body, take-no-shit attitude…
No doubt about it—it’s Soccer Mom Prime.
The van-riding Karens swear and spit. Their driver steps on the gas and rockets forward.
Soccer Mom Prime revs her cycle, kicking up a thick cloud of smoke, then hunkers down and accelerates toward the out-of-control Karens.
Just before they’re about to collide, Soccer Mom Prime pops a wheelie and drives up the hood and onto the windshield. The Karen-mobile acts like a ramp—Soccer Mom Prime flies thirty feet up, propelled skyward at 100mph. At the apex of her leap, she leans back and fires a grapnel gun at the rabid Karens, leashing their car with a magnetic anchor. Before the line tightens, she hits the ground and weaves through some trees like the Dark fucking Knight. Then she screeches to a halt and hops off her bike as the line goes taut.
The trees jerk, the Karens flip. Soccer Mom Prime takes off her helmet and walks toward me, slow-motion eighties-style, backlit by the flames from the exploding Karen-mobile.
“Come with me if you want to live.” She grabs my wiener, prompting a high-pitched squeal from my gaping mouth. “And FUCK.”
Life. Is. AWESOME.
Kent Wayne wins again! Ha HA!
Have Karens run amuck in your once-peaceful neighborhood? Never fear! Get Kor’Thank here: Kor’Thank: Barbarian Valley Girl. Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀
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