Kor’Thank: A High School Absurdical

Oh God, 2020 just got a dickload worse—THEY TOOK AWAY COFFEE!!!

I run through the suburbs of sunny San Diego, hunching and flinching as erratic gunfire rattles the air.  Someone aims a burst at me—SNAP-SNAP-SNAP-SNAP—sending me diving behind a rusted dumpster.  Three houses down, a suburban worker-drone screams in fury and rips off his shirt, revealing a pasty, vitamin-d deprived dad-bod, then charges his neighbor with fast-zombie rage.

Coffee—WHERE’S THE COFFEE???

I break from the dumpster and sprint for my Jeep.  Howling Millennials taunt me with threats, firing at me as they swoop by in their Civics and Altimas.  I reach for the door but a trio of rounds spark off the handle and riddle it with holes.  FUCK!  I snatch my hand back and angle left.  If I make it behind that tree, I might be able to—

NO!  A pack of Karens zips by in a decked-out minivan and lasso me with a rope made from home-spun yarn.  They’re gonna ask to see the motherfucking manager!  I’m a professional Man Whore—THERE IS NO MANAGER!!!

I writhe and curse, but there’s no getting away from their impeccably made, Michaels-sourced restraint.  Fuck it.  No options left—I open my eReader to Kor’Thank, activating its reality distortion powers.  Magic flash.

VRRMMM!!!  A helmeted figure zooms by on a turbocharged Ducati, snatching the lead Karen out from the van like a Batman attack-victim.  The rider cuts a j-turn, dumps the Karen, then halts her cycle and revs the throttle.

Holy fuck.  Superfit body, take-no-shit attitude…

No doubt about it—it’s Soccer Mom Prime.

The van-riding Karens swear and spit.  Their driver steps on the gas and rockets forward.

Soccer Mom Prime revs her cycle, kicking up a thick cloud of smoke, then hunkers down and accelerates toward the out-of-control Karens.

Just before they’re about to collide, Soccer Mom Prime pops a wheelie and drives up the hood and onto the windshield.  The Karen-mobile acts like a ramp—Soccer Mom Prime flies thirty feet up, propelled skyward at 100mph.  At the apex of her leap, she leans back and fires a grapnel gun at the rabid Karens, leashing their car with a magnetic anchor.  Before the line tightens, she hits the ground and weaves through some trees like the Dark fucking Knight.  Then she screeches to a halt and hops off her bike as the line goes taut.

The trees jerk, the Karens flip.  Soccer Mom Prime takes off her helmet and walks toward me, slow-motion eighties-style, backlit by the flames from the exploding Karen-mobile.

“Come with me if you want to live.”  She grabs my wiener, prompting a high-pitched squeal from my gaping mouth.  “And FUCK.”

Life.  Is.  AWESOME.

Kent Wayne wins again!  Ha HA!

😀

 

 

Have Karens run amuck in your once-peaceful neighborhood?  Never fear!  Get Kor’Thank here:  Kor’Thank:  Barbarian Valley Girl.  Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here:  Vol. 1 on Kindle.  Vol. 2 on Kindle here:  Vol.2 on Kindle  Vol. 3 on Kindle here:  Vol. 3 on Kindle  Vol.4 on Kindle here:  Vol. 4 on Kindle  Echo Omnibus here:  Echo Omnibus  Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here:  Combined Edition  Musings, Volume 1 is available here:  Musings, Volume 1  If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast:  Strained Brains!  It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play!  Please give it a listen and a five-star review!  Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human:  Optimization!  🙂 🙂 😀

Hold on!  I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate!  If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish.  Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens!  In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to!  Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy!  Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts!  😲💪 😜  #Kindle  #KindleUnlimited

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