Hmmm…now that I’m rich, squatted 405 for reps, earned a black belt in jiu jitsu, what should I do…
*snaps fingers* Of course! MyFriendsHotMom dot com!
I log into the VIP section, rubbing my hands eagerly together before squirting lotion into my palms. MILF videos: the perfect procrastination!
Suddenly, a floodlight blazes through my studio window, accentuated by the WHUP-WHUP-WHUP of a black-ops helicopter. “KENT WAYNE!” a voice booms through a megaphone. “GET ON YOUR KNEES AND INTERLACE YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!”
“WHAT IS THIS?” I scream, blubbering like the man-bitch I am. “I JUST LIKE TO JERK IT TO MILFS, LIKE THE MAJORITY OF PORNOGRAPHY AFFICIONADOS! MILF PORN IS THE MOST-VIEWED CATEGORY ON THE—”
“DON’T PLAY DUMB, KENT—FIVE WEEKS AGO, YOU ATE AN ENTIRE PACK OF SPICY SAUSAGES AND WENT TO THE GYM! AFTER DESTROYING THEIR UNISEX BATHROOM, YOUR VILE STENCH LINGERED FOR SEVENTY-TWO HOURS, POISONING EVERY SOUL WITHIN A HUNDRED SQUARE MILES! YOU’RE A NATIONAL HEALTH HAZARD, MOTHERFUCKER!”
“I’M SORRY!” I wail, tears and snot streaming from my face. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO! BUT THOSE LOUISIANA HOT LINKS ARE SO DAMN DELICIOUS!”
“THAT THEY ARE!” the voice agrees. “BUT THAT’S NO EXCUSE FOR THE EVIL YOU’VE WROUGHT! YOU’RE GOING TO THE BIG HOUSE, ASSHOLE!”
Fuck it. No options left. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The sky erupts with flying saucers, swooping down with zero-g speed and blasting the fuck out of those evil government helicopters. I run outside to watch, but I’m immediately sucked into a blue-tinged tractor beam.
“Hey!” I yell. “What the fuck is this???”
“THE SOCCER MOM COLLECTIVE,” one of the saucers booms. “WE ARE AN INTERGALACTIC CONFEDERATION OF THE HOTTEST SOCCER MOMS IN ALL OF EXISTENCE. WE WILL USE YOUR PENIS LIKE CHEAP COSTCO BROWNIE BATTER. PREPARE YOURSELF, MAN WHORE.”
Hot damn! Off to explore the reaches of space, all while super-hot soccer moms drain my balls of each and every individual sperm! Ha HA!
Are you being persecuted for your love of spicy foods? Have you turned a thriving metropolis into a deserted wasteland with your evil ass-gas? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization! 🙂 🙂 😀