I hold hands with Soccer Mom Prime, walking down the sunny boardwalks of beautiful Sausalito. The lap of water mingles with the chatter of tourists—chic sightseers who’s inherent obnoxiousness is canceled out by the bright sunny sky, the gently rolling waves, and the happy dogs walking up and down next to the quaint little stores.
“You enjoying yourself, BDW?” she asks me. It’s her affectionate nickname for me—Big Dick Whore—and I don’t mind it one bit. You can only argue with the truth for so long before you gotta embrace it.
“Yeah, SMP—yeah, I really am. Even when we fought all those Insectoids in Dimension X and fucked on the blood-soaked beach atop their chitinous corpses…I wasn’t half as happy then as I am right now.” I throw her a broad, unabashed grin.
She returns it. “Well I’m glad. Our world-saving adventures are pretty fun, but sometimes…sometimes, it’s the simple things, you know?” She casts her gaze out toward the water, and a warm breeze ushers in from the ocean, ruffling her hair and making her look twice as beautiful. “Mmm…smell that. I love that fresh salty smell.”
My grin turns naughty. “I got something fresh and salty for you…in my pants. I’ve been eating a lot of bacon.”
She affably punches me on my shoulder. “Pig. You know I try to be vegetarian.”
“Couldn’t help but notice that you went back to eating meat.” Now my grin turns sly and pervy. “Last night. In the dark of our hotel.”
She shakes her head and keeps smiling. “Pig.”
And then our hackles raise—the streets are clearing. The last few tourists are ducking into stores, giving us frightened, worried looks.
What the fuck?
A line of figures—maybe fifty of them—marches toward us from a hundred yards away. All feminine, super fit, and wearing skintight clothing.
I clutch SMP’s hand and turn around, ready to beat feet, but there’s a matching line of badass women coming at us from the other direction.
We’re fucking surrounded.
“Yoga moms,” SMP hisses under her breath. “They’ve come to steal you away. Not happening.”
They stop walking and their leader steps forward. “Relinquish the Man Whore, SMP! This doesn’t have to escalate!”
“Ladies, come on!” I raise my hands and laugh self-consciously. “I’m a soccer mom guy! You’ve picked the wrong cock!”
“Wrong.” The Yoga Mom leader holds up a WANTED poster of my thick, upcurved dick. “We’ve spent the last two years scouring the earth for THIS SPECIFIC DICK—the Cock of Legend. And now that it’s right in front of us, we’re not gonna let it get away. She doesn’t have to die, Kent—come with us and we’ll leave her be.”
SMP’s eyes steel over. “The Man Whore’s mine. I strongly advise you to fuck the hell off…if you want to keep your guts in your belly, that is.”
The yoga moms crack their knuckles. Their leader says, “Game on, bitch.”
And then they rush us.
“RUAAAAHHH!!!” SMP rips off the first one’s arms and uses them as impromptu clubs, smashing and beating the other yoga moms with a pair of ragged, severed stumps. Blood flies through the air, marring the bright sunny sky with gory crimson arcs.
“RUN, KENT!” she screams. “I CAN’T KILL THEM ALL—THESE BITCHES ARE CRAZY AS FUCK! THEY EAT GALLONS OF PATCHOULI ON A DAILY BASIS! RUN!!!”
“I CAN’T!” I blubber. “I CAN’T LEAVE YOU!”
She spins into a devastating wheel-kick, decapitating three yoga moms with a savage swipe of her stilettoed heel. “RUN, GODDAMN YOU!”
Fuck. No options left. So I open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
A glowing soccer ball made of pure energy shoots down from the heavens, and everything suddenly goes slow-motion. Before it can touch the ground, SMP coils her legs, leaps high into the air, body straightened, and—
“RUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” (Imagine those slow-motion screams Arnold or Stallone used to do when they barely escaped an explosion, backlit by the blast of hellish flames. Yeah—awesome, I know.)
—jerks forward and headbutts the ball. It ricochets off dozens of Yoga Moms’ heads, exploding each one into a bright burst of brain and bone. SMP lands in a crouch, surrounded by a horde of wavering, headless torsos. They stagger for a second, stumble aimlessly…
Then slump to the ground at the same time. THUMP.
SMP rises from her crouch, breathing heavily, murder shining from her take-no-shit eyes. “That’s you get, bitches. I’ve seen thousands of soccer games…seen every damn play that elementary-school rugrats have somehow managed to bungle. Put a soccer ball next to me and you’re fucking done. Your chances aren’t slim…”
“They’re fucking nonexistent.” She grins at me. “Thanks for the assist, BDW. Come on—let’s go grab a slice.” She scoops me onto her shoulder and pats my butt. “Then Imma get me summa this DICK! HEH heh heh!”
She’s not the only one chuckling. Pizza and sex—the BDW dream.
HEH heh heh!
Have your beautiful genitals been targeted by a gang of vindictive yoga parents? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜