Just ate some shrooms. Don’t have to do this, but I like the pre-astral ritual.
“Hit me.” I clench my teeth around my mouthpiece. My dick twitches as I think of how cool Johnny Mnemonic looked when he was about to enter cyberspace, then—
SHOOOOOOOMMM!!! I enter a fractalized world of imaginal bliss. My mouth yaws open, and I will dozens of pizzas down my suck-hole. Om nom McChompersons! Screw all that writing stuff; Imma boff some Soccer Moms, ride a tyrannosaur, and play with the coolest laser gun I can possibly conjure up using my twisted imagin—
Someone shouts, “KENT WAYNE!” With each word, the air turns hazy with blurry lines and fritzy static.
“Huh? Fuq’s dat?” I look wildly around, trying to spot the source of the words.
“YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS. YOU’VE BEEN BAD. EXTREMELY BAD.”
No…it can’t be…I’ve tried to put this off for so long…taken so much care to cover my tracks…
Then my head droops down to my chest.
“The Big Guy,” I whisper.
“THAT’S RIGHT. YOU’VE EARNED YOURSELF AN ETERNAL STAY IN THE NINTH RING. SHOULDN’T COME AS ANY SURPRISE TO YOU, GIVEN WHAT YOU’VE DONE.”
My head snaps up, and my eyes blaze with anger. “Fine—I violated some outdated regulations. But that’s not a legitimate reason to–”
“THINK ABOUT WHO YOU’RE TALKING TO,” the Big Guy retorts. “FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE FOR LESS THAN HALF AN EYEBLINK. ‘OUTDATED?’ MIGHT WANNA REPHRASE THAT, SPECK.”
“Okay, okay.” I pat the air with my hands in a conciliatory gesture. “What if I gave you a reason as to why I deserve to live?”
“BETTER BE A DAMN GOOD ONE. YOU HAVE ONE CHANCE, KENT.”
Time for a Hail Mary (possibly in the literal sense). So I reach deep in my mind and tap into the concept for Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The psychic embodiment of my wiener extends from my crotch. He curls his massive glans up at me and whispers, “Will all your blood into my shaft, and maybe we’ll convince Him you’re worth saving.”
“Got it,” I whisper back.
As Wiener stretches out and up (my upcurve is like a cheat code that allows me to bypass foreplay, HEH heh heh!) I clench both fists, bow my head, and squinch my eyes shut.
“HHHHNNNNNGGGHHH!!!” Sweat pops out across my brow. On my forehead, I feel a network of veins burst into prominence.
There’s a long, awkward silence.
Then: “THAT’S IT? YOUR ONLY JUSTIFICATION IS A GIANT PENIS?”
“WELL…I’VE GIVEN OTHERS A PASS FOR A WHOLE LOT LESS. MEH—YOU’RE GOOD. I’LL SEE YOU IN A FEW DECADES.”
Fist pump–YES! A few more years of exploding in Soccer Moms! Mm-chicka-BOW-wow!
Do you need a good excuse as to why you should continue on as a human being? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition Musings, Volume 1 is available here: Musings, Volume 1 If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜