When I was but a stem cell, life was exciting and fresh. I could’ve been anything—monocyte, macrophage, neutrophil—but nope; I was a boneheaded youngster, attracted to guts and glory, courtesy of those goddamn ads where a square-jawed dude finishes boot camp and shoves an enchanted sword down a dragon’s gullet.
My name is KentSperm8659. I am a member of an elite fighting force: Kent Wayne’s spermatazoic Marine Corps. Right now we’re lined up at the back of his urethra, ready to deploy.
Fuck my life.
Sergeant KentSperm3091 wriggles in front of us, gracing us all with a batshit-crazy Lifer stare. “THIS IS WHAT WE SIGNED ON FOR, YOU EGG-SMASHING FUCKS! ALL THE OTHER CELLS ARE PLAYING WITH THEIR CLITS AND WATCHING THE LATEST RERUN OF ‘GIRLS!’ Y’ALL ARE SOME PRIVILEGED MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU HEAR ME???”
“ERR-RAH!” we scream in unison. Jesus Christ I hope I’m not in the first wave; they always gets gassed with high-grade spermicide, or so we were told when we were going through Boot.
“DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU GODDAMN DESTROYERS!” Sergeant KentSperm8091 lowers his plasmic assault goggles onto his face. “YOU SEE ANYTHING BETWEEN US AND THE EGG, YOU RIP THAT CELL’S FACE OFF AND FUCK IT THROUGH ITS EYEHOLES, Y’ALL UNNERSTAN???”
“ERR-RAH!” I changed my mind—I’m okay with dying. I just hope it’s quick.
Red lights begin to flash. They’re accompanied by an insistent alarm—REE! REE! REE! A second later, a pleasant, female voice with a British accent speaks to us through the penile intercom.
“All chalks—stand by to deploy in five, four, three, two…”
Deafening squelches ring through the air: Kent Wayne’s first contraction. Then we hear: “Good luck, Marines,” and—
—PKEEEEEEEEWWWW! I go shooting out the tip. Almost immediately, I realize something’s wrong. During the briefing, we were told we’d be launched into warm, cavernous terrain. This is anything but. As I arc up into the open air, I look north, and see Kent’s vacant-eyed face slack with pleasure. His right hand is a frantic blur, stroking his pole like he was goddamn Survivor Man stranded in the Arctic, and he was trynna start a fire with wet, shitty wood.
Mother. FUCKER. He’s not having sex—he’s JUST JERKING OFF!
As we touch down in the Pube Forest, he collapses backward and falls asleep, snoring loudly like the disgusting ape-man he is. Shit—I need to make it to the rally point and link up with my squad. Maybe we can exfil back to the—
Piercing screams from very direction. Something’s killing off sperm, but what the—
And then I see it. One of my boot camp buddies—KentSperm4508—is trying to wriggle away from a giant, gnashing lice. The screams pick up. Holy fuck—EVERYONE’S DYING!!!
I swivel in place, looking helplessly from left to right, trying to think of some way to save my fellow sperm. Nothing comes to mind. Tears leak from my eyes as I realize we are well and truly fucked. No condom, no jelly…just straight up rawdog from a giant prison bull with a name like Rocco or Axel or Butchmaster Blumpkin.
Fuck it. No options left. I reach into my mitchondrial rig and open my eReader to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
I’m teleported back into Kent Wayne’s balls, back into the Spermatazoic Marine Corp’s central mess facility. Dozens of Marines look up from their chow, favoring me with a puzzled glance. I try to speak, but nothing comes out.
Eventually, I manage: “Lice…lice everywhere…he doesn’t wash…God help us, he doesn’t wash…”
Then I wander off, staring at nothing in particular and murmuring softly, repeating the same thing over and over again.
He doesn’t wash.
God help us all.
HE DOESN’T WASH.
*Theme from Requiem for a Dream*
Are you a brave member of the Spermatazoic Marine Corps, but your host is a disgusting jackass who doesn’t scrub his nethers? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜