They think they’ve got me.
Think again, fuckers.
Adulting Academy fields a cadre of elite enforcers, appropriately named the Dastardly Bastards. These evil fucks lured me into a Kent Wayne-centric trap-box baited with a laptop set to play clips from FiftyPlusMilfs, as well as a giant bucket of lemon-flavored paste. (God, did it taste good.) Once the door clanged shut, they transported me in an armored van to their heinous institute, where all students are forbidden from saying “fuck,” cracking dick jokes, or engaging in pretty much any activity aside from the brain-numbing study of corporate buzz-words. Adulting Academy wants to churn out a soul-deadened mob of societal eunuchs. Almost without exception, the Academy gets what the Academy wants.
Not me, though. I’ve been biding my time, waiting for the right moment—the right opportunity to break the fuck out of this testosterone-deprived shitbox. I’ve passed all their tests; I know which fork to use, I can poop in an adjacent toilet stall using the “silent splash” technique, and I can look super interested during a two-hour powerpoint. (that was last one was the hardest, in case you were wondering.)
So now they think I’m one of them. They’ve invited me to one of their douchey mixers, where they wear cuh-RAAAZY ties and throw around mildly ironic jokes in order to show how rebellious and free-spirited they are. Eat my dick, you smeg-snorting thundercunts. I’ll be damned if you infect me with your shit-fingered ways.
“Some party, huh Kent?” Herman Snerdbert, Director of Adulting Academy, claps me on the shoulder. “Glad you finally came around and ditched all that creativity BS. See? We can still have just as much fun as a bunch of reserved, appropriately dressed grown-ups.”
“Ha ha!” I force a laugh. “You bet, Herman! Who knew that instead of hurting my will to live, business casual would bring us all together into a relaxing hodgepodge of resigned conformity?”
“That’s the spirit!” He claps my shoulder again. “You’ll have to excuse me—I see a tray of amuse bouches that has my name on it. Oh my lord, do they look DELISH!” Herman wanders off toward the latest offering from his corporate sheep-god.
My eyes narrow with undisguised disgust—I can only keep up the pretense of Good Little Adult for so long. It’s a blessing and a relief to let my features express what I’m really thinking. Okay—time to enact my secret evil plan. Just need to find my magic eReader…
A ha. Herman’s left it unattended, lying next to the conference room sink. Here’s my chance.
I break into a sprint, chopping the air with my hands and screaming, “NOW IS THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT!” When I reach the eReader I flip it open to Echo, activating its reality distortion powers. Magic flash.
The 304th wrinkle—six folds left of the scrotal ridge of tissue known as the “perineal raphe,”—flaps open on my ballsack, unleashing a mess of hair-infested cheese. The testicular goo spills outward in undulant waves, stripping the flesh off anyone it touches. Partygoers turn toward the hideous tsunami, eyes widening in horror before their feet and legs dissolve into sludge. Their arms fly up as the evil concoction disassembles their bodies at the molecular level.
“NO—PLEASE GOD NO!”
“OH CHRIST, IT’S SO CHEESY!!!”
“DAMN YOU, KENT WAYNE!!! YOU EVIL PIECE OF—HLLLLKKK!!!”
And so it goes. That’s what you get for trying to tame my Man Whore ass with Adulting Academy’s customs and traditions! An unimaginably painful death, courtesy of the worst smegma to ever emerge from a fetid ballsack! Ha HA!
Kent Wayne escapes again!
Have the Dastardly Bastards at Adulting Academy imposed their bunk-ass ways upon your freewheeling mind? Never fear! Get Echo Vol. 1 on Kindle here: Vol. 1 on Kindle. Vol. 2 on Kindle here: Vol.2 on Kindle Vol. 3 on Kindle here: Vol. 3 on Kindle Vol.4 on Kindle here: Vol. 4 on Kindle Echo Omnibus here: Echo Omnibus Echo Vol. 1 & 2 Combined Edition here: Combined Edition If you wanna hear me babble on about anything and everything, and strain my FREAKIN’ BRAIN, then here’s a link to my podcast: Strained Brains! It is on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and Google Play! Please give it a listen and a five-star review! Here’s the miscellaneous gear that I use to try and become an uber-human: Optimization, and last but not least, my buddy Jumar Balacy has made a supercool microsite at kentwaynebrain.com! Go check out his computer-based wizardry 🙂 🙂 😀
Hold on! I just got approved to be an Amazon affiliate! If you’re going to buy ANY product from Amazon, and you’d like to support my efforts for absolutely free, then simply click on one of the Echo links I’ve provided—they’ll send you to Echo’s Amazon page—and THEN buy whatever product you wish. Amazon gives me a small referral fee each time this happens! In this manner you can support my books, musings, podcast, zany ads, or my adventures along the noble path known as The Way of The Man Child WITHOUT spending any more money than you were already going to! Should you do this, I vow to send you a silent blessing, causing your genitals to adopt the optimum size, shape, smell, and death-ray attachment of choice that paralyzes your enemies with fear and envy! Entire worlds will bow before your nether parts! 😲💪 😜